Fuck, 730AM... Oh wait, today I'm going to Thailand!
I jump out of bed wearing 3 layers of clothes, in about 26 hours I will only be wearing 1. That's right 26 hours. Does it take that long to fly to Thailand from Korea? No, but I have the mother of all fucking layovers... 15 hours in Hong Kong... Sounds kind of like a porno or something doesn't it?... But I'm thinking that it will be cool to explore the airport and stuff... Ya right...
My flight leaves the Seoul airport at 3:15pm... So leaving myself ample time, I leave the house around 8AM... By the way, I have to take a subway, strike that, 3 subways, one bus and a train to the god damn airport...
Waiting by the bus station by my house I feel super excited, even to the point of smiling... Actually, smiling is the only way I can keep warm at this point... With the weather in Bangkok about 40 degrees warmer than that of Seoul, I dressed right in the middle, actually screwing myself in both climates... Too cold for Korea and too warm for Bangkok...
So I get off the bus and onto the train, still smiling, still strong... I get to the station where I will make the first transfer... 5... 10... 15 minutes with no train... Suddenly some Korean dude jumps on the intercom and says something in Korean... All the Koreans on the platform start to moan and a few leave... What did he say? Is the world ending???
So I had to make a split decision, either wait for this train or reroute myself on a different train that will still take me to the same destination, only with like 15 more stops in between. I chose the latter... I wonder how long those people waited on the platform? They might still be there...
Standing on a packed Korean subway dreaming about Pad Thai is when it finally hit me, I guess I just really woke up... I'm going to be in Thailand in like less than a day... Ahh the land of smiles...
One thing though... This fucking crazy ass Korean chick, maybe around the same age as me, gets on the train about 7 stops before the airport... At this point there were like 8 people in my particular car... This chick takes a seat adjacent to me and screams out, I'm serious, she screamed out... "Anyanghaseo, ordomayo?"... Now I don't speak Korean, but I know what she said, she said, "Hello, where are you going?" At least I'm like 95% sure that's what it means... "Anyanghaseo, ordomayo?", she screams it again... The whole time I'm just sitting there looking at the Korean subway map in my hands and trying to get this freak to move on to different pastures... The 6 or 7 people onthe subway car are all looking at me and the crazy chick at this point... "Anyanghaseo, ordomayo?", "Anyanghaseo, ordomayo?"...
But...
This chick was pretty hot, I mean, I would go there... So this got me thinking, would I hook up with this chick, putting aside her obvious mental problems? Is this right? Or legal??? I mean, what is crazy, really??? Can you gauge crazy, or put a number on it, and then put a limit on who can hook up with who??? Like for example, this chick on the subway is an 8 on the "crazdar" and I only rank a 3, so is she out of my sanity league? I don't know... But around this time the chick got off the subway... Weird...
Getting to the airport, I felt bad vibes coming in from all around... The crazy chick on the subway freaked me out, like finding a beetle in your underpants... But I shook it off like a dog just getting out of the water and my smile returned...
Walking through the terminal I got freaked out by the amount of ice and snow on the runways... See...
But then I got distracted by the show going on right behind me... This Chinese couple was having a HUGE fucking fight... She was screaming at this guy who I assumed was her boyfriend, and he was crying and speaking Chinese in a very apologetic tone... Then she slapped the shit out of him... Like a 3 year old getting slapped at K-Mart, she let this mother fucker have it... Even I felt sorry him... Then she got up and started walking away. He said something to her, I think she had his passport and ticket or something... So this chick takes a few steps towards a garbage can, takes his ticket and passport out of her fanny pack, and fucking throws them in the trash can! This is the greatest thing I have ever seen! So she storms off and this blubbering Chinese guy gets up and starts rifling through the trash can! Still sobbing he's like throwing trash on the floor, picking up pieces of paper, holding them up to the light and examining them... He finally finds his passport and ticket... So he goes back and sits down, still sobbing, and gets on his phone and starts screaming in Chinese! So, since I was the closest person to the trashcan and didn't want people to think it was me, AND, I had had my fill of high pitched blubbering/screaming of Chinese, I decided to go and get a coffee...
MMMM airport coffee, best $12 I've ever spent...
Boarding time! I'm really on my way! As I'm walking onto the airplane I take a Korean newspaper... Maybe I can make a little captains hat out of it, but I forget how the folds go, so I just end up looking at the pictures... On the plane they had this interactive multimedia display in each seat back, which was super epic. They had movies, games and TV shows. So I ordered a San Miguel and sat back and watched some Entourage... Lloyd!!!!!!!!!!
We arrived in Hong Kong half an hour early... What the fuck? How does this happen? Did the pilot haul ass or something? Did he kick it into overdrive? Anyway, this increased my layover time to 15 hours 30 minutes... Ok I can do this, I guess I could always just spin around and get dizzy, that used to kill time when I was a little kid, I guess it's back to basics... But about 5 minutes in a security guard came over and recommended that I stop...
Hong Kong airport is huge, and I have walked the entire length of it... From gate 1 to gate 78... Around gate 50 I saw a sign saying resting area... I took a peek and there were these reclining chairs! Sweet! So I took a seat and tried to get some sleep. They were playing music like you would hear in a baby's room, only it was Christmas songs... Bizarre, since it was the middle of January... But I found it rather soothing... So anyways I couldn't sleep, I was too cold, I took off my long sleeve shirt and used it to cover my lower half, but then my upper half got cold so I moved the shirt to my upper half, but this left my lower half cold... I tried to curl up into a cannonball fetal position and cover my entire self with the shirt, but is wasn't big enough and this wasn't comfortable at all... I tried covering myself with a book, unzipped backpack and shirt, but this just looked ridiculous and wasn't warm either... A Ha! I know what I'd do... I got the plastic bag that my crappy airport sandwich came in, went to the bathroom, filled it with hot water and came back and put it right on my stomach, with my long sleeve shirt covering my lower half... God dammit fucking shit... The bag had a little hole in it so I woke up like 20 minutes later soaking wet, making me more freezing than before...
I decided sleep wasn't going to come, so I read a book... 170 later I sat down and watched Avatar on my iPod... I looked at my clock 10:45PM, since (I thought) Hong Kong is 2 hours behind Korea, I had set my watch accordingly... However, Hong Kong is actually 1 hour behind Korea, making it only 9:45PM...
Sleep found me around 2 A.M., (which was actually 1 A.M.). I woke up around 5:45 A.M. (actual time 4:45A.M). I wondered why the hell the airport was so damn empty... Walking around I finally found a clock and became aware of the error of my ways... I was super starving at this point... I walked for literally 25 minutes and found nothing open... The noodle shop, burger king, the other noodle shop... All closed... Then I saw it, Starbucks... I ordered coffee and a crappy pastry of some kind, then I walked to my gate, and waited for 5 hours until my plane departed... Around 6 A.M. the sun began rising over the mountains of Hong Kong...
This is when I got into vacation mode and my smile was on full blast... In just 5 short hours I would be in Thailand, the land of smiles, the land of lust and the land of love... I made those last 2 up...
One thing that I noticed is that Korean people don't know how to fucking use tire chains... But they try... Oh do they try... I saw this one guy with white rope woven in and around his tire and rim... How cute.
Most people just drive super slow and skid and spin their tires and stuff. And the people that ride motorcycles just ride with their feet stretched out and skidding along the sides of their motorcycle like they're stand up but riding at the same time... You think Asians are bad drivers??? Add snow and ice to the equation... Damn...
So this week something terrible happened. Really fucking terrible. I got a terrible toothache. I got a really terrible toothache. So, naturally, I decided to seek professional help.
Now...
I hate dentists... Always have... I'm definitely an anti-dentite... A rabid anti-dentite...
What do you call a doctor that flunked out of medical school?
A dentist...
Now, I'm not sure why I hate dentists so much. I guess they have a hard enough job, they usually are nice people... I just don't like dentists...
And dental hygienists... Don't even get me started on this group of flunkies...
But dentists do kind of get a bad rap. I mean, you go to them and they dig around in your mouth with metal spikes and usually inflict pain on you. Not really the kind of thing that most people look forward to... So I guess most people don't really like dentist... But I just hate dentists...
AND FURTHER MORE... I really wasn't looking forward to going to a Korean dentist. I mean, Korea is an advanced first world nation and stuff... But I was just nervous... Really fucking nervous... Like O.J. on verdict day nervous...
So I walk into this office and no one speaks a god damn word of English. They hand me this little slip to fill out and, of course, it's totally in Korean. So I write my name on one of the lines and give it back to the lady and sit down in the waiting area... They have a little TV on, and sure enough, it's playing the fucking worst show in the world, America's Funniest Home Videos... I have finally found hell my friends, and it's in a dentists office in Korea...
So I wait like 15 minutes and the lady starts signaling to me... So I walk over to the actual dental part of the office... It looked like a standard dentists office... Chair, Spot Light, Tray of tools...
But wait... Why is there a fucking cigarette lighter at every chair... Look. I managed to get a spy picture...
It's the purple thing in the top right corner... What the hell is it for? Sterilizing things? It seems to me that only heroin addicts sterilize things with lighters these days... Is this guy going to be puffing away while he works? I can just see him dropping ash in my mouth and having the little hygienist vacuum it out with her little spit vacuum... And another thing... There weren't any protective plastic coverings or anything, anywhere. But I didn't really give a shit... Talk to me in 6 months when I have Hepatitis... So I sit in the chair and this 50 something Korean dude comes over, gives the chair a violent kick, like a drunk Alabama man kicking his dog, and the chair reclines... He sticks his ungloved hand in my mouth...
Did I mention the whole office smelled like fucking fish... Fish... Ya it was bad...
Ok where were we? Aw yes, so this Korean guy was knuckle deep into my mouth with his ungloved hand... Is ungloved a word? My spell checker says no but FUCK YOU computer, I think it's a word... So he feels around a little and then says something in Korean and leaves... Is this the end??? Am I cured???
So he gives the chair another violent kick and I return to my upright seated position. At this point the hygienist grabs me by the arm and takes me into this little room with what I think was an x-ray machine. She makes me put my chin on this little chin rest and bite down on this little piece of plastic, again, no covering... Then she hurries out of the room and pushes a button. The machine starts to humm and whirr and a computer voice begins to speak to me in Korean. What the fuck are you saying computer voice???
HOLY SHIT... I just realized that I didn't get a lead vest or any kind of ball covering... Sorry future children...
So the x-ray machined does like 3 laps around my entire head and them comes to a stop. The lady comes back in, grabs me by the arm and takes me back into the dental exam room... The dentist walks over with the picture and says something, I think he said "Son of Sam"!
But then he said "root pain"... Ok, I have no idea guy... So we stared at each other for like 15 seconds and then the lady again took me by the arm and hurriedly rushed me to the appointment counter... The new lady at the desk spoke a little better English than her co-workers... She told me "Monday" "6" and "surgery"... Hmmm...
Ok, so I was to come back on Monday... I think...
Monday...
So I walk into the dentists office and sure enough, more fish smell and more America's Funniest Home Videos... Is there a bigger douche bag than Bob Saget? If there is I'd hate to see him... When will the hurting stop?
So I check in at the counter, by check in I mean say stuff in English to the lady and have her reply in Korean... I could have said "money balls" or "cock trout"... But I didn't... So I guess they know I'm here...
There were 2 other Korean dudes in the waiting room with me. One carrying a super huge man purse and the other wearing a hospital gown... Why the fuck did he have on a hospital gown? And the whole time hospital gown man was standing right in front of me, starring at the window at his reflection and combing his bleach-orange hair. He was super close to me, I could have rolled up a copy of Korean Golf magazine and slapped the shit out of him. Why was he so close? The waiting room was huge and hospital gown man was literally in my American sphere of personal space... USA.... USA.... USA....
In Korea, the word excuse me doesn't exist, if you're walking somewhere and there's someone in your way, you just bump them and continue... It's not rude, just the way it is...
So I was sitting in the waiting room with hospital gown guy and man-purse man for a good 25 minutes... I kept a good eye on hospital gown man, you know, in case he tried to start something I could be ready... He weighed himself about 3 times on the scale they had in the waiting room, combed his hair in about 5 different windows, laughed like a tyrannical mad-man every time a fat lady slipped on ice on America's Funniest Home videos... It was terrible...
Strangely enough, what kept me calm during the whole wait and procedure was thinking about fried chicken... Fried Chicken... I don't usually eat the stuff or think it's particularly delicious, but thinking about it made me feel a zen-like calm... I wonder if that's the same thing Ghandi or Buddah thought about? Probably...
So finally the lady signals to me to come over, it's time to get drilled... So I walk over, hang up my coat and sit in the chair... She put a little bib around my neck like I was going to be eating lobster, say something to me in Korean and walks away.
BAM...
The familiar kick strikes my chair and I all of a sudden am descending to drill level... The doctor doesn't say "Hi" or anything, he really doesn't look at me, he just holds this huge needle in front of me and I realize that it's time to open up... The bastard gives me 4 shots, 2 in the side of my gums and 2 right into the roof of my mouth, my palate... Those fucking hurt... My eyes watered... But I wasn't crying... Whenever I get a dental shot it makes my eyes water, and I always am worried that the dentist is thinking that I'm a super huge pussy or something, but I'm serious guys... I wasn't crying...
BAM...
Another kick and I'm returned to a seating position... I started to get super drowsy all of a sudden. I wonder what the fuck was in that shot?
BAM...
About 10 minutes later the doctor returns and it's time for the nitty gritty... He pulls out a knife... What is a doctors knife called? Sucher? Scalpel!!! He pulls out a scalpel and cuts the shit out of my gums, folds them back and starts drilling directly into my jaw bone... The beauty part was, I couldn't feel a thing! Whatever they gave me was working pretty well...
One thing I was thinking while the procedure was going on, besides about fried chicken, was that I finally know how people that think that they get abducted by aliens and have weird experiments done on them feel. There were 5 random Koreans all buzzing around me, speaking a completely foreign language, and using instruments and tools to do something to me that I really didn't understand... Fried chicken, Fired chicken, Fried chicken...
One thing I didn't appreciate... The dental hygienist, the one manning the spit vacuum, would always, after she was finished vacuuming out my spit and blood and stuff, play with the hair on the bottom of my lip with the spit vacuum... See, I have a little patch of hair protruding from the bottom of my lip, some would call it a soul patch, but I hate that term... And every time this lady had the vacuum in her hand she would be playing with my patch with the spit vacuum... It was bizarre... But I let it go... Fried chicken, Fired chicken, Fried chicken...
So about an hour later, the doctor began to sew me up... 3 stitches...
BAM...
Another swift kick, like a Floridian kicking his wife, and I was back to seated level... This fucking guy really let his leg fly too... Like he was punting a football or something... Fucking bastard...
So I walk to the desk, feeling a little woozy...
The dentist walks up to me and says, "Saturday", "11AM", "No sauna and no smoking"... Like I'm some kind of fucking swinger or gigolo or something... Haunting the sauna's with my pencil thin mustache and soul patch smoking and looking for ladies... But I was like whatever at this point...
The total charge for the procedure? $19... With medication... So I walked home, filled a sandwich bag full of snow from the ledge outside and iced the shit out of my soar cheek...
