Smell The Glove

This week Korea received record snowfall.



One thing that I noticed is that Korean people don't know how to fucking use tire chains... But they try... Oh do they try... I saw this one guy with white rope woven in and around his tire and rim... How cute.



Most people just drive super slow and skid and spin their tires and stuff. And the people that ride motorcycles just ride with their feet stretched out and skidding along the sides of their motorcycle like they're stand up but riding at the same time... You think Asians are bad drivers??? Add snow and ice to the equation... Damn...



So this week something terrible happened. Really fucking terrible. I got a terrible toothache. I got a really terrible toothache. So, naturally, I decided to seek professional help.

Now...

I hate dentists... Always have... I'm definitely an anti-dentite... A rabid anti-dentite...



What do you call a doctor that flunked out of medical school?

A dentist...

Now, I'm not sure why I hate dentists so much. I guess they have a hard enough job, they usually are nice people... I just don't like dentists...

And dental hygienists... Don't even get me started on this group of flunkies...

But dentists do kind of get a bad rap. I mean, you go to them and they dig around in your mouth with metal spikes and usually inflict pain on you. Not really the kind of thing that most people look forward to... So I guess most people don't really like dentist... But I just hate dentists...

AND FURTHER MORE... I really wasn't looking forward to going to a Korean dentist. I mean, Korea is an advanced first world nation and stuff... But I was just nervous... Really fucking nervous... Like O.J. on verdict day nervous...

So I walk into this office and no one speaks a god damn word of English. They hand me this little slip to fill out and, of course, it's totally in Korean. So I write my name on one of the lines and give it back to the lady and sit down in the waiting area... They have a little TV on, and sure enough, it's playing the fucking worst show in the world, America's Funniest Home Videos... I have finally found hell my friends, and it's in a dentists office in Korea...

So I wait like 15 minutes and the lady starts signaling to me... So I walk over to the actual dental part of the office... It looked like a standard dentists office... Chair, Spot Light, Tray of tools...

But wait... Why is there a fucking cigarette lighter at every chair... Look. I managed to get a spy picture...



It's the purple thing in the top right corner... What the hell is it for? Sterilizing things? It seems to me that only heroin addicts sterilize things with lighters these days... Is this guy going to be puffing away while he works? I can just see him dropping ash in my mouth and having the little hygienist vacuum it out with her little spit vacuum...

And another thing... There weren't any protective plastic coverings or anything, anywhere. But I didn't really give a shit... Talk to me in 6 months when I have Hepatitis... So I sit in the chair and this 50 something Korean dude comes over, gives the chair a violent kick, like a drunk Alabama man kicking his dog, and the chair reclines... He sticks his ungloved hand in my mouth...

Did I mention the whole office smelled like fucking fish... Fish... Ya it was bad...

Ok where were we? Aw yes, so this Korean guy was knuckle deep into my mouth with his ungloved hand... Is ungloved a word? My spell checker says no but FUCK YOU computer, I think it's a word... So he feels around a little and then says something in Korean and leaves... Is this the end??? Am I cured???

So he gives the chair another violent kick and I return to my upright seated position. At this point the hygienist grabs me by the arm and takes me into this little room with what I think was an x-ray machine. She makes me put my chin on this little chin rest and bite down on this little piece of plastic, again, no covering... Then she hurries out of the room and pushes a button. The machine starts to humm and whirr and a computer voice begins to speak to me in Korean. What the fuck are you saying computer voice???

HOLY SHIT... I just realized that I didn't get a lead vest or any kind of ball covering... Sorry future children...

So the x-ray machined does like 3 laps around my entire head and them comes to a stop. The lady comes back in, grabs me by the arm and takes me back into the dental exam room... The dentist walks over with the picture and says something, I think he said "Son of Sam"!

But then he said "root pain"... Ok, I have no idea guy... So we stared at each other for like 15 seconds and then the lady again took me by the arm and hurriedly rushed me to the appointment counter... The new lady at the desk spoke a little better English than her co-workers... She told me "Monday" "6" and "surgery"... Hmmm...

Ok, so I was to come back on Monday... I think...

Monday...

So I walk into the dentists office and sure enough, more fish smell and more America's Funniest Home Videos... Is there a bigger douche bag than Bob Saget? If there is I'd hate to see him... When will the hurting stop?

So I check in at the counter, by check in I mean say stuff in English to the lady and have her reply in Korean... I could have said "money balls" or "cock trout"... But I didn't... So I guess they know I'm here...

There were 2 other Korean dudes in the waiting room with me. One carrying a super huge man purse and the other wearing a hospital gown... Why the fuck did he have on a hospital gown? And the whole time hospital gown man was standing right in front of me, starring at the window at his reflection and combing his bleach-orange hair. He was super close to me, I could have rolled up a copy of Korean Golf magazine and slapped the shit out of him. Why was he so close? The waiting room was huge and hospital gown man was literally in my American sphere of personal space... USA.... USA.... USA....

In Korea, the word excuse me doesn't exist, if you're walking somewhere and there's someone in your way, you just bump them and continue... It's not rude, just the way it is...

So I was sitting in the waiting room with hospital gown guy and man-purse man for a good 25 minutes... I kept a good eye on hospital gown man, you know, in case he tried to start something I could be ready... He weighed himself about 3 times on the scale they had in the waiting room, combed his hair in about 5 different windows, laughed like a tyrannical mad-man every time a fat lady slipped on ice on America's Funniest Home videos... It was terrible...

Strangely enough, what kept me calm during the whole wait and procedure was thinking about fried chicken... Fried Chicken... I don't usually eat the stuff or think it's particularly delicious, but thinking about it made me feel a zen-like calm... I wonder if that's the same thing Ghandi or Buddah thought about? Probably...

So finally the lady signals to me to come over, it's time to get drilled... So I walk over, hang up my coat and sit in the chair... She put a little bib around my neck like I was going to be eating lobster, say something to me in Korean and walks away.

BAM...

The familiar kick strikes my chair and I all of a sudden am descending to drill level... The doctor doesn't say "Hi" or anything, he really doesn't look at me, he just holds this huge needle in front of me and I realize that it's time to open up... The bastard gives me 4 shots, 2 in the side of my gums and 2 right into the roof of my mouth, my palate... Those fucking hurt... My eyes watered... But I wasn't crying... Whenever I get a dental shot it makes my eyes water, and I always am worried that the dentist is thinking that I'm a super huge pussy or something, but I'm serious guys... I wasn't crying...

BAM...

Another kick and I'm returned to a seating position... I started to get super drowsy all of a sudden. I wonder what the fuck was in that shot?

BAM...

About 10 minutes later the doctor returns and it's time for the nitty gritty... He pulls out a knife... What is a doctors knife called? Sucher? Scalpel!!! He pulls out a scalpel and cuts the shit out of my gums, folds them back and starts drilling directly into my jaw bone... The beauty part was, I couldn't feel a thing! Whatever they gave me was working pretty well...

One thing I was thinking while the procedure was going on, besides about fried chicken, was that I finally know how people that think that they get abducted by aliens and have weird experiments done on them feel. There were 5 random Koreans all buzzing around me, speaking a completely foreign language, and using instruments and tools to do something to me that I really didn't understand... Fried chicken, Fired chicken, Fried chicken...

One thing I didn't appreciate... The dental hygienist, the one manning the spit vacuum, would always, after she was finished vacuuming out my spit and blood and stuff, play with the hair on the bottom of my lip with the spit vacuum... See, I have a little patch of hair protruding from the bottom of my lip, some would call it a soul patch, but I hate that term... And every time this lady had the vacuum in her hand she would be playing with my patch with the spit vacuum... It was bizarre... But I let it go... Fried chicken, Fired chicken, Fried chicken...

So about an hour later, the doctor began to sew me up... 3 stitches...

BAM...

Another swift kick, like a Floridian kicking his wife, and I was back to seated level... This fucking guy really let his leg fly too... Like he was punting a football or something... Fucking bastard...

So I walk to the desk, feeling a little woozy...

The dentist walks up to me and says, "Saturday", "11AM", "No sauna and no smoking"... Like I'm some kind of fucking swinger or gigolo or something... Haunting the sauna's with my pencil thin mustache and soul patch smoking and looking for ladies... But I was like whatever at this point...

The total charge for the procedure? $19... With medication... So I walked home, filled a sandwich bag full of snow from the ledge outside and iced the shit out of my soar cheek...

Fried chicken, Fired chicken, Fried chicken...