S.T.P. in Thailand -> Part 3

Walking around Khao San district that first night, I was in a daze... A hazy daze. I had a strange mixture of feelings running through my body, Tiredness, hunger, excitement, anxiety... They all flowed like soup running through a garden hose.

So I decided to do what any red blooded American would do in this situation, get drunk as fuck...

I sat down at this little outside restaurant next to a place called Shabad House...

I was wondering why there was so much security in front of this place and also why the security guards were all wearing yamakas... I would later come to learn that this place was a hotel only for Jewish people. Which offered very cheap rooms (haha, seriously), Kosher meals, heightened security and free calls to Israel... Seriously...

If there was going to be a terrorist attack anywhere in Thailand, this place or the American embassy would probably be on the top of the list, but oh well, the beers here were only a dollar here... If that's any consolation...

I wasn't sitting there long when I struck up a conversation with a dude sitting beside me. I can't remember his name right now, but I'm sure I will in a minute. He was a Scottish guy, drunk, sun burned, tattooed, loud... Good guy. Apparently it was his 8th time in Bangkok. After our second beer, this guy opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters... But only about crazy shit... He told me about all the ping-pong shows that he's been to. About how you have to tip the girls well or they'll throw bananas at you... Gross I know... Where to get the best massage... Where they sell "stuff"... Where to get the best food... Bla bla bla...

Tom was his name I think... Something like that...

After he spends like 45 minutes telling me about the craziest and nastiest shit, he tells me that he loves his girlfriend and would never cheat on her... Kind of like an "I did not have sexual relations with that women" moment... Sure Tom, sure...

But after a few rounds this guys was like, "Let's go to another bar, a good bar..."

Hmmmm... So... This guy's fucking insane, might do something crazy, Why not?

We walk down Khao San road to the Silk Bar...



This place was full of "people"... People with braids, white people with dread locks, people with bad tattoos, old dudes with Thai chicks, power drinkers and power hippies...

We order more beer and start talking to the 2 chicks to our right... Well, we were sitting across the table from one another so to my right and his left, technically...

"Hey girls, where are you lasses from?" He says. "I bet you're from Cambodia, I can tell you people apart around here"

"Ya..." They both say, obviously not very impressed...

"Rawwwrrrr, I'm a tiger, girls" this guy says, "Rawwwwrrrr" he says with a pawing motion...

Who the fuck is this guy I think? What a god damn psycho, unless these chicks buy it of course... Then at that point the thin line between James Mitchell and James Bond would be crossed...

"More like a pussy cat" the two maybe-Cambodian chicks say...

Seeing this guy strike out like a drunk Babe Ruth was more than I could bare...

"I need to get the fuck out of here man... I've got to throw up or eat or do something else... Jesus man, I have to go..." I remember saying... Just mention vomit, and people never question you I've learned...


When I got back to my guest house that night... I heard "it"... Korean...

"Anyanhaseo San Sang Neem..." (Hello, Teacher), said the man with the mustache that runs the quest house...

"...Hi" I say in a kind of blasé tone... I think I told him I was a teacher in Korea, but where did this Thai guy learn Korean?

"(Some shit in Korean that I don't understand)" He says.

"What?"

"These are from Korea, come sit"...

I see three Korean chicks sitting there all looking very Korean... Bags of random food on the table, bangs, reading glasses, soju...

I like how he said these, like he was talking about rocks or shirts or something...

Now, for the record, I love Koreans... But off the record... Coming to Thailand and hanging out with Koreans is like traveling from Mexico to Canada to get a burrito or traveling from Canada to Mexico to watch a fucking hockey game... Does that make me sound racist??? I hope not... Or do I???

So I sit down and pop open up a beer...

Of course, right away, I size the table up and put them in order of who's hottest... There's one that is obviously way hotter than the other two... With the remaining other 2, one is drunker than the other, but she kind of has a sketchily round face, while the other is more sober but has sketchy glasses that remind me of Ted Khazinski...

"What do you guys do?" I ask... Again, blasé...

"We are teachers" the "hot" one says.

"Really, I'm a teacher too... Where do you teach?"

"Korea"

(No fucking shit) I think...

"What part?" I ask.

"Suohool"...

Koreans have a funny way of pronouncing Seoul. Or maybe foreigners have a funny way of pronouncing it and we just are dicks... But Koreans say "Sa-Uh-Oh-Oo-El"... I don't know why I just wrote that, it's not really that interesting but I find it unique...


"Ahhhhuuuuuurr, what do you teach?" the second hottest one asks...

She really made a sound like that, like a low metallic gurgle really.

"Well... ... ... Do you guys know any drinking games?" I ask...

"Yes! Do you want to play 3?"

"What's that?" I ask... Blasé as ever...

She goes on to explain some random game that had to do with math and adding or subtracting or something... Not doing much for the stereotype, I thought...

"Ok, let's play, sounds great" I say, not knowing how to play...

I guess you start at 1 and count around the table and every time someone says 3 you clap... I don't even know what to say about it.

Another 2 Korean girls walk down the crappy wooden stairs from their room...

"Hey, come and join us" I say, I mean, why the fuck not right?

So there I am, myself and 5 Korean chicks. Getting eaten alive by mosquitoes and listening to these chicks assuredly talk about me in a language that I don't understand...

"Do you like Korean rice or Thai rice better?" The 3rd hottest one at the table asks me...

Sweet Jesus I though, I need to get out of here...

"You guys want to go to a bar?"

"Sure" the 2 new K's reply...

"We have to go to bed" The first 3 K's say...

Good, I thought... "Awww" I say, "I'll see you tomorrow?"

These 2 new girls were pretty chill and drinking like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas...

Excellent I think...



Excellent...

So we walk back to the bar next to the Shabad house, sit down and order some beer and food...

We're having a good time, chopping it up and having surprisingly interesting conversation considering... Then...

"I'm a Korean witch" one of the girls says...

"...What?" Maybe she mistranslated that I thought...

"I'm a witch, like magic, you know"...

And then the other foot drops... This chick IS different from other Korean people, in fact, she's fucking crazy... Not crazy like girls gone wild crazy, but like padded room crazy...

"Really, so do you fly around on brooms and stuff?" I ask, quickly looking around for the nearest exit...

"I do Tarot cards, I can tell your future and tell what you thinking..."

I started thinking about random shit to block her view into my minds eye... Adult diapers... Horse... Basketball... Vampire Hooker...

Hmmmm I think... Is this bitch going to kill me?

Just then we were accosted by like 3 different old Thai ladies selling stuff... Thank god... She won't kill me in front of all these people... Will she?

In Thailand, about every 5 feet someone's trying to sell you something... Huge foot long lighters, some kind of hat, fake Louis Vuitton cigarette cases, suits... All crap... But the thing is, most of these people have the same shit... You think they'd diversify... Like Shaky the Bum always told me outside of the Economics building in college, "Nigga, you need to diversify yo shit..." Then he'd start laughing... Ahh Shaky... You know, now that I think about it, it's kind of creepy...

Anyway... So we're sitting there and this kid comes up to us... Some poor street kid begging for money... I'm about to backhand him when both of the Korean babes are like, "How cute, come here sweetie, are you hungry?"

These girls start spoon feeding this kid shrimp fried rice, from the same spoon that they were using! "How is it, are you hungry?" Bla bla bla... I have to admit, the caring aspect was kind of cute, but... Then they start using the same spoon again!

They're looking at me smiling, chomping shrimp fried rice, looking at him, caressing his face, looking at me and smiling... And the entire time I'm sitting there with the look on my face of a rat trying to figure out if someone has farted...

"You pay now!" I hear all of a sudden...

"You pay now!" This kind of feminine person says...

"What time do you guys close?" I ask he/she...

"We open 24 hours, you pay now"...

What the fuck is this person's problem I wonder? But, I could hardly fucking care... I mean, ya, I didn't care... At this point I'm like screw you guys, I'm going home... We pay our tab and start on the 15 minute walk back to the guest house...

So were walking back and the Korean witch grabs my hand... Maybe she's just drunk I thought... I mean, way too drunk to ride her broom home, I'll help steady her and stuff... We're at this red light waiting for it to change, and I get "the look"... This bitch wanted to make out... Visions of little street kids, half digested shrimp fried rice, children eating garbage, dirty diapers, magik and urinal cakes raced through my mind... I've never disgusted myself that much before... Well, Ok second time...

I panic... If I kiss this chick, I might as well kiss every street kid in this god damn town... Plus, she's a non-hot Korean witch... What would my mom say?

So I started coughing... And coughing and coughing... Deep repelling coughs... Super deep loin popping, Korean witch repelling coughs...

Back at the guest house... The Korean witch gives me a hug...

"Tomorrow I'll read your Tarot, she'll say good things about you i think"

"She?" I ask, very scared at this point...

"Yes, the spirit is a female..."

(Wow, I think, Wow... This chick is going to be wearing my skin as a hat tomorrow if I don't protect myself...)

"Oh cool, sounds great... Night..." I say, kind of with my hands up to deflect any sudden jabs or slaps... I slowly back away and slam the door to my room... I open the huge padlock on my door and immediately lock all of the 3 locks on the door, I think about moving the shelves against the door to protect against any night attacks, but instead I climb under the mosquito net and immediately pass out...


Next -> Thailand Part 4 - (Insert Random Title Here)

Welcome to the Jungle - Thailand - Part 2

Walking off the plane at the Bangkok Airport I was greeted with the sign "Warning: The age of consent in Thailand is 18 and is STRICTLY ENFORCED"... Wow, no "Welcome to Thailand" or anything like that? Kind of fucking rude... Who are these damn perverts visiting this country anyway??? So I walk to immigration, have my picture taken, and continue on to the baggage claim. One quick thing, why is my bag always the last god damn bag off the plane? I mean honestly... In Hong Kong, Bangkok and Seoul... It's not that big of a deal but kind of crappy and interesting if you want to know the absolute god damn truth about it... So I grab my bag, walk out into the hot, dirty air of Bangkok and take a deep breath... I immediately start coughing and sweating... I've arrived!

I walk back inside looking for a bus ticket to Khao San Road. The airport in about 45 minutes from downtown Bangkok so I need to get a ticket and get this fucking show on the road... I find a ticket counter and said "Khao San"... "One fiddy Baaaaht" the women replies...

Side Note:

Coming from Korea, the land of bad English, I really expected the same out of Thailand, but it was completely different. Mostly everyone spoke and understood enough English to at least get by and in some cases have a conversation. In Korea, English is spoken mostly by the educated and wealthy, while some of the younger generation can speak English thanks to learning it in schools and watching The Simpsons... But in Korea, most of the jack off taxi drivers, middle class workers and anyone over 35 that doesn't have a reason to speak English, doesn't...

In Thailand, the tuk-tuk drivers spoke English very well... (You want ping-pong show buddy? *pop* *pop* "Ping Ping Pong Pong???) The old women making my pad-thai spoke English enough to tell me how great hers was and how crap the prick down the street makes it...

End Side Note:

This bus driver was a fucking maniac... He was passing people like he was fucking Richard Petty, he was weaving in and out of traffic like he was in a go cart, and he was smoking like Lucille Ball after her second divorce... But I wasn't really all that scared... It was kind of like a ride...

(Whatever the fuck this means...)

There were five of us on the bus, all male... I was looking around trying to figure out what the fuck these people were doing here... One of the guys looked like a heroin addict who had just been kicked out of a garbage bin for being too dirty... One looked like a wide-eyed Mexican witnessing the birth of Christ... The other two were "Some kind of Asian" (is that racist?) and seemed like your average tourist... They had wide circular glasses and cameras around their necks. Both were wearing hats like Gilligan and were obviously wearing money belts stuffed with something obviously valuable. At this point I wondered where I fit into this equation? I didn't really give a shit after like a minute and continues looking out the window as my new home for the next 12 days sped past me.

The bus lurched to a halt and the bus driver got off and walked away, like a rock star slamming his guitar on the stage and walking to his dressing room, he just washed his hands of the whole damn bus... I guess this is my stop... As soon as I walked off I started to sweat again. I was wearing a thermal long sleeve shirt, a button up long sleeve and long pants, just in case you were wondering, I was also wearing a red thong... About 7 different Thai guys came up to the bus, smelling fresh meat. "Hey my friend, where you go?" "Hey buddy, come with me"... I walked passed them with a look on my face that was a mixture of I'm going to barf/ I'm going to kill you... Works every time...

Walking down the Khao San Road for the first time it hit me, "There's a lot of god damn hippies here"... "And they all have varying degrees of bad tattoos"...



But who am I to judge really? I'm just some jerk who writes a bad blog... But, it's probably just the heat... I'm sure when I get some cool clothes and cool drinks on and in me I'll see the light...

Where the fuck is my guest house???

I have a crude map printed from the internet, and directions to this place printed in Thai... So let me see, it say dash, dot, line, curly line, dash, dot, dot, curly line with dot... Hmmmm... What does the map say?... Ok, it says from the end of Khao San road, turn right, then turn left at the 7-11... I didn't realize how ubiquitous 7-11 was in this world... Look, here's one next to a whore house in Pat Pong...



So I turn left at the 7-11, at this point I've been walking for 15 minutes with about 50 pounds of shit and long pants and a long sleeve shirt in 90 degree weather, things started to go blurry... See, I took a picture...



Then I see it... Siri Baan Guest House... The first thing I think is, "Damn, this place looks different from the pictures on the internet"...

So I walk in and there's 2 thick mustaches to greet me... One on a man, and one on a women... "Hi, I have a reservation"

"Oh Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii, where you from where you go?", Says Mustache Women.

"What?", I reply.

"Hahaha, Thailand sooooo beautiful, so many beauty"

"Ya, I..."

"Or you see so many sites"

"I don't think you can start a sentence with "Or"..."

"So your room not ready, you have some hot coffee or tea?"

"It's like 90 degrees..."

At this point the bearded lady runs off and comes back with a piping hot mug of coffee... I literally have sweat stains the size of dinner plates and my mouth feels like a camel farted dust into it... But, not wanting to be rude, I drink the damn coffee...

Sitting in the courtyard at a bamboo table, drinking coffee in the direct sunlight, I begin to ponder life's mysteries, but was interrupted by...

"Oh Hiiiiiiii, room ready, room ready..." Captain Lady Beard screams...

"Oh I..."

"Room is now ready"

(At this point I begin to speak very fast in order to get my sentence out before the bearded women has a chance to start talking.)

"Thank you it looks nice I hope to have a nice stay at your fine establishment..." (All in one breath)

She hands me a pad lock and key, smiles, probably not understanding me, and walks off... As soon as I get into my room I change into something a little more appropriate and dry...

I notice that I have profusely sweated through my money belt, and now have the imprint of a 1000 Baht note slightly visible on my stomach...

So I put the giant padlock on the door, smile and wave as I walk past the mustache twins, and step out onto the streets of Bangkok...

With sight seeing planned for the next 4 days, today would just be a chill day for me... Exploring Khao San Road and getting familiar with Thai culture, i.e., drinking...

I pop into the 7-11 on the corner and buy a bottle of water and a Thai red bull, this stuff is banned in every country in the world except Thailand due to it's awesome ability to keep you more wired than River Phoenix at the Viper Club... In fact, Red Bull was invented in Thailand... Krating Daeng, it's original name, means Red Bull in Thai... I was immediately struck by how cheap everything was here... The exchange rate is roughly 30 Baht to the Dollar... A Thai red bull costs 10 Baht and a 2 liter bottle of water costs 12 Baht... Awesome! With all this extra money I can afford to get a Thai hook... I mean... Save it for college... Ya... College...

It's around 2 P.M., lunch time... Walking down some main road in the direstion of Khao San, I see a plethora a street vendors, bums and people who are either super ugly chicks, or lady boys... See, lady boys are like wigs... You can only spot a bad one... Which is why I need to be super careful when dealing with the opposite sex here in Thailand, because what is perceived to be a friendly valley could turn out to be a mighty peak... Gross...

You can literally buy anything you want in Thailand...



For 300 Baht I could be a student, driver, member of the press AND a college graduate... People selling batteries, Levis, little pink candies, fried scorpions, purses, shirts, fruit, pad-thai, Suits...

The fucking Suit people... These people looked different from the Thai people, I'm going to guess "some kind of Arab"... They would stand in a row of usually 2 or 3 slapping a worn-out laminated card against their other hand and saying, "Oh buddy, nice suit for a nice buddy?"... "Suit, suit, suit suit..." ... The entire time I was in Thailand I didn't see anybody wearing a god damn suit...

Walking around Khao San, I got the distinct feeling that this isn't what Thailand was really about... Let's examine this place in more detail...

Advertising:



What pops out? iPod touch, Subway and Durex... Listening to music, eating and fucking... Sounds like a pretty nice little Saturday, but not what I came to Thailand to do...


People:

( My guess is that he wears that shirt a lot)

The people on Khao San were an interesting mix of drunk bastards looking to get more drunk, and hippies...

Let's take a time out and define hippie. By hippie I don't mean free loving, people from the 60's, I mean dirty, probably dreadlocked, kind of socially inept, kind of weird looking, usually has some kind of weird scar, wearing what they think the earth would want them to wear type of people... Let's call them power hippies...

Seeing the power drinkers and the power hippies together was super weird, like seeing a cat mounting a dog or hearing Sarah Palin saying a sentence that doesn't end in "Don't cha know..." If there's one thing I can't stand... It's bears... And if there's two things I can't stand, it's bears and power hippies...


Next -> Part 3 - Wat the Fuck, Po?