So I decided to do what any red blooded American would do in this situation, get drunk as fuck...
I sat down at this little outside restaurant next to a place called Shabad House...
I was wondering why there was so much security in front of this place and also why the security guards were all wearing yamakas... I would later come to learn that this place was a hotel only for Jewish people. Which offered very cheap rooms (haha, seriously), Kosher meals, heightened security and free calls to Israel... Seriously...
If there was going to be a terrorist attack anywhere in Thailand, this place or the American embassy would probably be on the top of the list, but oh well, the beers here were only a dollar here... If that's any consolation...
I wasn't sitting there long when I struck up a conversation with a dude sitting beside me. I can't remember his name right now, but I'm sure I will in a minute. He was a Scottish guy, drunk, sun burned, tattooed, loud... Good guy. Apparently it was his 8th time in Bangkok. After our second beer, this guy opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters... But only about crazy shit... He told me about all the ping-pong shows that he's been to. About how you have to tip the girls well or they'll throw bananas at you... Gross I know... Where to get the best massage... Where they sell "stuff"... Where to get the best food... Bla bla bla...
Tom was his name I think... Something like that...
After he spends like 45 minutes telling me about the craziest and nastiest shit, he tells me that he loves his girlfriend and would never cheat on her... Kind of like an "I did not have sexual relations with that women" moment... Sure Tom, sure...
But after a few rounds this guys was like, "Let's go to another bar, a good bar..."
Hmmmm... So... This guy's fucking insane, might do something crazy, Why not?
We walk down Khao San road to the Silk Bar...
This place was full of "people"... People with braids, white people with dread locks, people with bad tattoos, old dudes with Thai chicks, power drinkers and power hippies...
We order more beer and start talking to the 2 chicks to our right... Well, we were sitting across the table from one another so to my right and his left, technically...
"Hey girls, where are you lasses from?" He says. "I bet you're from Cambodia, I can tell you people apart around here"
"Ya..." They both say, obviously not very impressed...
"Rawwwrrrr, I'm a tiger, girls" this guy says, "Rawwwwrrrr" he says with a pawing motion...
Who the fuck is this guy I think? What a god damn psycho, unless these chicks buy it of course... Then at that point the thin line between James Mitchell and James Bond would be crossed...
"More like a pussy cat" the two maybe-Cambodian chicks say...
Seeing this guy strike out like a drunk Babe Ruth was more than I could bare...
"I need to get the fuck out of here man... I've got to throw up or eat or do something else... Jesus man, I have to go..." I remember saying... Just mention vomit, and people never question you I've learned...
When I got back to my guest house that night... I heard "it"... Korean...
"Anyanhaseo San Sang Neem..." (Hello, Teacher), said the man with the mustache that runs the quest house...
"...Hi" I say in a kind of blasé tone... I think I told him I was a teacher in Korea, but where did this Thai guy learn Korean?
"(Some shit in Korean that I don't understand)" He says.
"What?"
"These are from Korea, come sit"...
I see three Korean chicks sitting there all looking very Korean... Bags of random food on the table, bangs, reading glasses, soju...
I like how he said these, like he was talking about rocks or shirts or something...
Now, for the record, I love Koreans... But off the record... Coming to Thailand and hanging out with Koreans is like traveling from Mexico to Canada to get a burrito or traveling from Canada to Mexico to watch a fucking hockey game... Does that make me sound racist??? I hope not... Or do I???
So I sit down and pop open up a beer...
Of course, right away, I size the table up and put them in order of who's hottest... There's one that is obviously way hotter than the other two... With the remaining other 2, one is drunker than the other, but she kind of has a sketchily round face, while the other is more sober but has sketchy glasses that remind me of Ted Khazinski...
"What do you guys do?" I ask... Again, blasé...
"We are teachers" the "hot" one says.
"Really, I'm a teacher too... Where do you teach?"
"Korea"
(No fucking shit) I think...
"What part?" I ask.
"Suohool"...
Koreans have a funny way of pronouncing Seoul. Or maybe foreigners have a funny way of pronouncing it and we just are dicks... But Koreans say "Sa-Uh-Oh-Oo-El"... I don't know why I just wrote that, it's not really that interesting but I find it unique...
"Ahhhhuuuuuurr, what do you teach?" the second hottest one asks...
She really made a sound like that, like a low metallic gurgle really.
"Well... ... ... Do you guys know any drinking games?" I ask...
"Yes! Do you want to play 3?"
"What's that?" I ask... Blasé as ever...
She goes on to explain some random game that had to do with math and adding or subtracting or something... Not doing much for the stereotype, I thought...
"Ok, let's play, sounds great" I say, not knowing how to play...
I guess you start at 1 and count around the table and every time someone says 3 you clap... I don't even know what to say about it.
Another 2 Korean girls walk down the crappy wooden stairs from their room...
"Hey, come and join us" I say, I mean, why the fuck not right?
So there I am, myself and 5 Korean chicks. Getting eaten alive by mosquitoes and listening to these chicks assuredly talk about me in a language that I don't understand...
"Do you like Korean rice or Thai rice better?" The 3rd hottest one at the table asks me...
Sweet Jesus I though, I need to get out of here...
"You guys want to go to a bar?"
"Sure" the 2 new K's reply...
"We have to go to bed" The first 3 K's say...
Good, I thought... "Awww" I say, "I'll see you tomorrow?"
These 2 new girls were pretty chill and drinking like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas...
Excellent I think...
Excellent...
So we walk back to the bar next to the Shabad house, sit down and order some beer and food...
We're having a good time, chopping it up and having surprisingly interesting conversation considering... Then...
"I'm a Korean witch" one of the girls says...
"...What?" Maybe she mistranslated that I thought...
"I'm a witch, like magic, you know"...
And then the other foot drops... This chick IS different from other Korean people, in fact, she's fucking crazy... Not crazy like girls gone wild crazy, but like padded room crazy...
"Really, so do you fly around on brooms and stuff?" I ask, quickly looking around for the nearest exit...
"I do Tarot cards, I can tell your future and tell what you thinking..."
I started thinking about random shit to block her view into my minds eye... Adult diapers... Horse... Basketball... Vampire Hooker...
Hmmmm I think... Is this bitch going to kill me?
Just then we were accosted by like 3 different old Thai ladies selling stuff... Thank god... She won't kill me in front of all these people... Will she?
In Thailand, about every 5 feet someone's trying to sell you something... Huge foot long lighters, some kind of hat, fake Louis Vuitton cigarette cases, suits... All crap... But the thing is, most of these people have the same shit... You think they'd diversify... Like Shaky the Bum always told me outside of the Economics building in college, "Nigga, you need to diversify yo shit..." Then he'd start laughing... Ahh Shaky... You know, now that I think about it, it's kind of creepy...
Anyway... So we're sitting there and this kid comes up to us... Some poor street kid begging for money... I'm about to backhand him when both of the Korean babes are like, "How cute, come here sweetie, are you hungry?"
These girls start spoon feeding this kid shrimp fried rice, from the same spoon that they were using! "How is it, are you hungry?" Bla bla bla... I have to admit, the caring aspect was kind of cute, but... Then they start using the same spoon again!
They're looking at me smiling, chomping shrimp fried rice, looking at him, caressing his face, looking at me and smiling... And the entire time I'm sitting there with the look on my face of a rat trying to figure out if someone has farted...
"You pay now!" I hear all of a sudden...
"You pay now!" This kind of feminine person says...
"What time do you guys close?" I ask he/she...
"We open 24 hours, you pay now"...
What the fuck is this person's problem I wonder? But, I could hardly fucking care... I mean, ya, I didn't care... At this point I'm like screw you guys, I'm going home... We pay our tab and start on the 15 minute walk back to the guest house...
So were walking back and the Korean witch grabs my hand... Maybe she's just drunk I thought... I mean, way too drunk to ride her broom home, I'll help steady her and stuff... We're at this red light waiting for it to change, and I get "the look"... This bitch wanted to make out... Visions of little street kids, half digested shrimp fried rice, children eating garbage, dirty diapers, magik and urinal cakes raced through my mind... I've never disgusted myself that much before... Well, Ok second time...
I panic... If I kiss this chick, I might as well kiss every street kid in this god damn town... Plus, she's a non-hot Korean witch... What would my mom say?
So I started coughing... And coughing and coughing... Deep repelling coughs... Super deep loin popping, Korean witch repelling coughs...
Back at the guest house... The Korean witch gives me a hug...
"Tomorrow I'll read your Tarot, she'll say good things about you i think"
"She?" I ask, very scared at this point...
"Yes, the spirit is a female..."
(Wow, I think, Wow... This chick is going to be wearing my skin as a hat tomorrow if I don't protect myself...)
"Oh cool, sounds great... Night..." I say, kind of with my hands up to deflect any sudden jabs or slaps... I slowly back away and slam the door to my room... I open the huge padlock on my door and immediately lock all of the 3 locks on the door, I think about moving the shelves against the door to protect against any night attacks, but instead I climb under the mosquito net and immediately pass out...
Next -> Thailand Part 4 - (Insert Random Title Here)
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