I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

I just got the news today at work, my girlfriend of 3 and a half months is pregnant! I'm so excited!!! I met her in Thailand in January. She was drinking by herself in a tranny bar and we locked eyes from across the room and the rest in history!!! Ever since then it has been a whirl-wind romance. She is by far the kindest and most loving women I have ever met.


(Here's a picture I took of her last week in Seoul)

I met Danny on Khao San Road in Bangkok. We started out chatting about how great the place was and wound up spending the entire trip together. Looking at her beautiful smile and delicate features makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

She works in a recycling plant in a suburb of Seoul. She is the assistant to the manager of plastics and plastic-like materials. I found her talk of recycled products fascinating and have never seen someone more passionate and knowledgeable about recycled goods before.

I am definitely going to marry this beauty. Unfortunately, due to a few felony methamphetamine arrests and convictions, she cannot enter the United States, so we have been thinking of settling down somewhere else. Perhaps Mexico or a non-extradition country in Europe.

Wish me luck and happiness!!!!



Editors Note:

APRIL FOOLS...

Editors P.S.:

To those who congratulated me on my faux engagement to the beast above, fuck you. I got the picture by googling "ugly chick".

Wat The Fuck? - Thailand - Part 4

Waking up the next morning, I heard a buzzing. I looked around the room and saw nothing, so I went back to sleep... Buzzzzzzzz... I again looked around the room through the mosquito net and saw a huge fucking bee! It was trying to get in through the mosquito net and suck my sweet blood... I know bees don't do that, but it was him against me, and that is the mentality one must have when going into battle. It was sitting on the outside of the mosquito net, resting. I flicked it with my middle finger, it was knocked back, but returned to the outside of the net, uninjured. I think this just made it more angry.

I needed a weapon. I grabbed a pen, and using both hands, I flicked the bastard... He flew back, hit the wall and landed on the ground... He (I'm guessing it was a male bee) got up, and flew around the room and came right back to where he was on the net, flying at me aggressively and buzzing loudly. "You bastard" I said aloud...

I laid back down, trying to wake up... I took a sip of water, rubbed my eyes and realized that I was in beautiful Thailand. It was around 9 A.M. and outside I heard the sound of some kind of bird and also people speaking Korean... I had a full day of sight seeing ahead of me and needed to get a move on... But first I had to get past this god damn bee...

I grabbed my copy of The Road by Cormac McCarthy and rolled it up... I got into a low crouch on the bed, knees bent, eyes narrowed, hand fully cocked back... I watched it fly around the room with the eyes of a hawk and the patience of a tiger... When it landed, BAMMO, I swung with a furious motion, using all of my might, causing me to fall forward... A second later I was tearing down the mosquito net, laying on my chest and hitting the scrunched up net with the book in a stabbing motion like a serial killer repeatedly stabbing a body... I got him... I think... "That'll teach him" I thought to my self, kind of proud, kind of ashamed...

I grabbed my shower kit, a fresh change of clothes and walked to the shared bathroom...As I stepped out into the Thailand air it was 85 degrees already... "Hi" I said to the 3 Koreans from the night before, eating breakfast on the patio... I got 2 double handed waves and an "Anyanhaseo"... Pretty much par for the course I guess... The Korean witch was nowhere to be seen...

After a cold shower and change of clothes, I walked out of the bathroom and saw the mustached lady... "The mosquito net in my room came off, I'm not sure how..." I said to her...

Walking down Khao San road, I was struck by how many people were already drinking at 9:30 in the morning. Eggs with Heineken, Pad Thai with Vodka and Red Bull... Or just a straight up beer... Pretty much everyone was drinking... I walked to the other road, Ram Booty or something... Haha, Ram Booty... It wasn't called that but was dangerously close to that so that is what I, in fact, decided to call it.

I ordered some pulled duck over rice, and a huge bottle of water from a street vendor that looked like she was about 300 years old. I sat there devouring it and going over the map that I got from my guest house. Today I'm going to go to Wat Pho, a super dope temple about 4 KM away from where I was staying. It's home to the largest reclining Buddha in the world, and also home to one of the best massage schools in Thailand. Some would say that it's the best temple in Thailand, some wouldn't, who am I to say...

I found it a bit odd that it was a temple and a massage school, kind of a conflict of interest isn't it? That's like having the biggest Mormon church and the biggest blackjack dealers school in one place... Or the biggest catholic church and the biggest child molesters school in the same place... Haha... It's funny because it's true... What? Too soon?

After the duck, I walked over to the Tuk tuk stand... I wouldn't normally take a tuk tuk due to their uncomfortable accommodations, trickster-pimp drivers and dangerousness, but it's something you have to do once... Like kill a hooker or see the Grand Canyon... Is hooker capitalized? hooker, Hooker... I'm not sure...

Anyway... I walked up to the Tuk tuk area and starting a conversation with a guy with no shirt... About 5 minutes into the convo I realize that he has nothing to do with tuk tuks, or tuk tuk driving, so I moved on.

"Whoa!" This Thai tuk tuk driver says as I walked up to him, like I was just beating off right into the street. "Ummm, can you take me to Wat Pho?" I asked, wondering why he was so excited and/or freaked out to see me... "Oh friends, (like there was more than one person), I take you there 300 Baht..." He says. "That guy over there told me 100 Baht." I said, lying... "Ok friends, 100 baaaht"... (What he didn't know is that there really was no other guy... Nice one Alex...)

I got in and the ride started...

Here's a short vid:



As you can see. It's a really a polluted, noisy and terrible way to travel.

As we were driving to Wat Pho, we passed the Grand Palace. How Grand is it you ask? Fucking grand... I would be going there the next day so I pressed on to The Pho...

We pulled down a street that was sandwiched between two twenty some odd foot white walls. On one side there were tons of tour buses lined up one after the other, resembling a train...

I got out of the tuk tuk, handed the guy the cash, and walked in. It was 50 baht to get in for foreigners, free for Thai people. This was very common at many places in Thailand. I thought it was kind of racist... Actually it's the definition of racism. I mean, I can see where they're coming from, you know, making money and still letting their poor ass citizens enjoy stuff... But...

What if we did this in America? Say going to a movie theater... $5 for Americans, $60 for Black people, $200 for Mexicans and "other foreigners"... People would be literally shitting in the streets!

But, as I said before, prior to my slightly misaligned digression, I see where the Thai people are coming from... And furthermore, because it was only like $2 to enjoy this awesome place, I had no problem forking over the dough, and enjoying the show.

This place was awesome!

Take a look...







Wat Pho is home to the world's largest reclining Buddha... In Thailand, there are many statues of Buddha in various positions. The largest standing Buddha is also in Thailand for example... This got me thinking about where all of the statues of Buddha in some less than regal poses were located... For example... The squatting Buddha, the hernia pain Buddha, the "O-Face" Buddha and the just-got-caught-with-an-underage-male-prostitute Buddha... Where are they?



The largest reclining Buddha was pretty fucking big. It was kept in a cool temple where you had to take off your shows and get in a huge line in order to enter. Once inside there were a million dicks all jockeying for position trying to take pictures of the thing. I have like 5 pictures with random heads and shoulders of German people trying to take pictures. But I got 1 picture that was cool, I think, you might think it sucks...



There were like 50 little pots in a row along the wall towards the end of the temple. People were slowly walking along the row and dropping little coins into each one. What was this for I wondered? 1...2...3... Seconds later I left... I guess they were for prayers or something...

There were tons of Thai school children wandering around the Pho. They all seemed pretty unimpressed and sweaty. I guess they probably come here every year. Isn't it weak that teachers, like elementary status, always take you to the same places and do the same things, every year. I remember back in elementary school we would go to the Hersey factory every god damn year... Sometimes, twice in the same year... I mean it was great at first... But once I realized that this place was nothing like Willy Wanka's Chocolate factory, I would rather be in math class... So I'm guessing that's what these kids felt like...





Besides being a tourist attraction, Wat Pho is also a fully functioning temple. People come here to pray, and do other temple related activities. I felt bad taking pictures of people praying, but not that bad...





Walking outside it was super hot...



The sun was beating down on me like the fists of a drunken Kansas husband... I took a sip of my 2 liter water bottle... My second of the day... It was almost empty... I needed to get more water... I took one final look at the temple grounds and left...

Walking outside I was accosted by people selling things and offering services... Nothing I was really interested in, so I decided to make my way back to Khao San...

I knew what general direction it was, but had no idea as to how far or exactly where it was... So I went left...

While I was waiting to cross the street someone grabbed my hand... It was a 40 year old Thai man... "Come my friend" He held up his hand in a stopping motion to the oncoming traffic and with my hand in his other hand, led me across the street... I quickly jolted my hand away, but continued following him across the street... "Thanks" I said to him, giving the customary praying hand motion... But what a god damn psycho I thought... He was nice though, helping me out like that...

It's like Michael Jackson I guess... Part of you thinks he's just a super nice guy, but the other part thinks he's a raging child-raping psycho...

Moving right along...

So I found the river and was able to locate my location thanks to a map that I had gotten earlier from my guest house... If I went right at the river.







Look at this picture, pretty cool huh? Well, I saw this guy about 50 yards down the pier... I needed to get a shot of him, you know, monks add so much flavor to an otherwise bland picture. But just walking up to a monk like some kind of paparazzi dick is kind of rude and super bad karma I'm guessing, so I needed to use the art of deception...

I pretended to be taking pictures of the bridge in the background... Then... All of a sudden "something went wrong" with my camera... I stood there with a puzzled look on my face, like a fart had just appeared in an empty room... Then, without looking at the monk, I snapped a picture... So... He would think that he walked through my bridge shot, HOWEVER, I really got the bastard right where I wanted him... Sorry monk but it's true...

The rest of that day was spent wandering around... Looking at things, staring at things, sometimes just a quick glance... After my massive walk back to Khao San from Wat Pho I was super tired... I got some pad thai, a few Changs and went back to my guest house...

The god damn Korean witch was outside on the patio...

"Hi!" she said as I walked past...

I looked at her...

"Uuugh, Hi" I said...

"Donuts, Monkey, Sand paper"... I said... And walked into my room...

That should keep her busy for a while...

Hummus with Hamas and Pump Iron With Jim Jones

* * * Special Edition * * *

(NEW YORK, March 2 (API) -- Mosab Yousef, the son of the founder of the Hamas militant group, said he was a spy for Israel because he thinks Hamas "killed people for no reason."

In an exclusive interview with CNN to promote his book, "Son of Hamas," Yousef, now a resident of the United States and a Christian convert, said he spied for Israel after realizing Hamas practiced "exceptional cruelty" against its members.)

This would be just another news article that I don't care about, except for the fact that I know this guy...

Josef, as he called himself, got a job at the cafe where I worked about 3 months after I did... He seemed like a regular foreign guy, like a Borat type figure, but there were some things about him that struck me as odd... Like a camel wearing a top hat... He would go on and on about how the electric juicer was bad because it sent electric currents through the juice, "corrupting it" as he said... He would constantly badger other co-workers to buy marijuana, and then turn around and lecture them about the evils of drug use...

About 2 weeks into Josef's tenure at the cafe, myself and a female co worker were stocking the juice bar. You know, kiwi, carrots, celery, bananas... And here comes Josef... I remember he would always wear this skin tight Nike spandex workout shirt, I think he only had like one shirt or something. Wow, I was watching Fox News yesterday, and guess what, my man was on there, and you'd never guess what he was wearing...

Anyways, it was his day off mind you, and, sure enough, he was at work. He came behind the counter and started telling us how to stock the bar "his way".

"Bro, bro... You have to stock the bananas in the basket like this."... (He would always call everyone Bro)... "Dude, isn't it your day off?" I asked. "Bro, everyday is a work day". "Damn, you're a bosses dream bro." I said, I would always mimic him which he hated... Haha, bastard. Well as he's stocking the bananas he's taking the Chiquita stickers off of each one. "You starting a collection, bro." I ask. "Bro, the glue is very bad for your health, it creates free radicals."... Hmm I thought... So he has about 25 stickers all stuck to his shirt.

He all of a sudden gets this shit-eater grin on his face... He takes one of the stickers and puts it on my shoulder. "Thanks, bro" I say to him. He then walks over to my female co-worker and sticks a sticker right on her shirt where her nipple is. He proceeds to rub it.

"DUDE!" I say, "what the fuck?"

My co-worker was just standing there stunned with a look on her face like she smelled shit mixed with crazy glue... Her mouth wide open, she backs up, rips the sticker off of her shirt and throws it on the ground. He turns to me with a little kids smile. "What the fuck are you doing?" I say... "Josef... Josef, dude we don't do that in this country" I said. He looks at the girl, kind of shakes his head, and walks out of the cafe. "Are you OK?" I ask. "That is the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me, Josif is nuts..." She says.

About 2 weeks after the breast-rubbing incident, we got two new workers... These 2 girls were from Ireland, in America working for the summer... They seemed nice, but to Josef, these girls were fodder for his harem... "Bro"... "Bro, Bro", "Have you seen the new girls?"...

Now, Josef tried to portray himself as a super holy, nice guy... So when he talked about something less than holy, his voice would drop very low and he would get this creepy twang, like he was trying to give me a really good deal in a Turkish bazaar and he didn't want any of the other customers to hear... "These new girls, SO good bro. I think I'm going to get them." By "get them", Josef meant constantly harass them and finally grab one of their breasts while they were working together... For this, he got suspended for 5 days, just like in high school...

So just so we're clear - - - Rub a sticker on a tittie -> No punishment; Grab tittie -> 1 week vacation...

Around this time, "The Cult" started to make itself more and more known around the cafe... You see, my boss joined this new break-away Southern Baptist "church", founded by one of the trainers at my gym... Now my boss was an OK guy, not a dick, but not someone who I would want to hang out with... But the leader of this cult makes Jim Jones look like Jim Beam...

He is one of those guys that uses the power of the lord to work out and break barriers in life or some bull shit like that... He's your best friend... If you're in his "church", (let's say cult), but if you're not, then fuck you... I remember one time when he was in the cafe with his two kids, there was something on the TV about gay marriage and he started going off... "EEEWWWwwwwww, gross", "I can't listen to this stuff, those people aren't human..." Right in front of his kids and like 10 customers some of whom I'm sure were gay...

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't religious people, especially priests, supposed to be like tolerant and love their fellow man and stuff? Instead of immaturely slandering people and hating entire groups of people that you don't even know? I mean, that doesn't seem very "holy" to me...

So I come to learn, a few weeks later, that Josef is now a part of this little cult. "Great" I think, that's like mixing battery acid and piss, only more irritating to the eyes... Over the next month we get 3 new workers, all cult members. Now, at this time the cafe begins to take on a very different aura. I began to wonder why everyone of the new workers was so freaking weird, and no one seemed to realize it... It's so weird to me that some people stick together like the pages of a magazine underneath a 15 year old's mattress.

About a week went by without incident other than his incessant misaligned perfectionism and his "staring" problem... This guy could stare a hole in a fucking brick wall... But not like a pimp, lady-slaying stare, like a serial rapist outside-of-a-playground stare... Creepy...

One day, Josef was having an argument, about the evils of marijuana with another co-worker, who was more than likely stoned off of his ass... Stoney man says, "What the hell Josef, you bought a sack from me the other day..." (Which he did...) ... Josef started getting more and more heated and got this look in his eye like "Am I about to kill a mother fucker?"...

All of a sudden Josef picked up a huge meat cleaver, used to lop off coconut tops, and held it up to the other guy's head, inches from it... I stood there stunned, "Is this guy about to kill a mother fucker?" I wondered... I had never seen an argument escalate so quickly and have never seen anyone get threatened with a meat cleaver. They both stood there for about 15 seconds, "What are you going to do Josef, kill me?" Stoney man said... "You're not worth my time" I remember Josef saying... He put the meat cleaver on the ground and went about making a sandwich...

Wow, I thought, this fucking insane Arab just like almost killed someone... And no one seems to care... There were like 3 other people in the cafe, including the owner, and no one really seemed to mind that some crazy ass, unbeknownst to us Hamas double agent, almost lopped off some stoner's head for saying something that indeed happened...

In Josef's defense, he could make a mean hummus... Other than that, this guy is a compete tool.

Here's a link to a fox news story about him: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,475226,00.html