But until then... It's lunch time...
And boy what a lunch it will be... When I first got to Korea I thought the lunches were terrible... I really did... But now I actually look forward to them, which really kind of scares me... It either means that I have actually started to enjoy this crap, or, that I'm so starving that I'll eat anything that's put in front of me... During my days of solitary lunches my thoughts usually begin to wander... I guess like all dreamers, I confuse disenchantment with truth...
Korean school lunch consists of five sections... Please... Dine with me...
Noodle course:
So I eat lunch with people that mostly only speak Korean... I mean it's great... People don't really bother me and I'm usually free to eat the "food" that they serve in peace... And oh ya, since people in Korea eat like vikings enjoying a drunken feast at Valhalla, I can literally do whatever I want. I can eat with my mouth open, slurp, sip, gurgle and burp all I all I want... But one thing... If you're listening to headphones really loud and burp... Other people CAN still hear you... Maybe you can learn from my mistake...
Kim Chi Course:
Laser Eyes...
Today I was thinking about how cool yet challenging it would be to have eyes that shoot laser beams. I mean you could easily fend off attackers and impress chicks and stuff... But I bet people who actually have laser beam eyes don't really enjoy it ALL the time. I mean, there's probably a lot of destroyed stuff... Tons of sun glasses, clothes, house decor and other things that all have like laser beam marks on them.
And I wonder if people with laser eyes have like different strength settings. Like stun and kill and stuff like that... Today, enjoying another lunch in beautiful Korea, I was thinking about how cold my potatoes with some-kind-of-sauce were, and how I would like to just sort of heat them up a little bit if I had laser eyes... But I bet it's hard to gauge the strength, so I would probably just burn a hole through the table and that would RUIN my potatoes and probably piss people off...
Also, working with children would probably be out of the question. I mean, I probably would have to register with some kind of government agency and that would lead to all kinds of red tape and medical exams I would have to take... It seems like a lot of people with laser eyes probably have a lot on their mind... Do they constantly think about things like this? Or are they trained from an early age to live with their special condition...
And also, I wonder if people who are born with laser eyes are biased against people who gain the ability later in life... And I wonder if there's a natural vs. synthetic fight raging in the laser eye crowd. If I was a pure born laser eye, and I see a synthetic wannabe laser eye coming my way, I would totally give him the stink eye... The laser stink eye... OOoooo, that sounds cool...
Soup Course:
Being a Kid...
Being around all these kids makes me think about when I was a kid... But things have changed. Every morning on my 10 minute walk to school I see the same kid. He's about 4 feet tall and probably about 50 pounds. Every morning he's talking on a cell phone, listening to an ipod AND watching a little tv... What the fuck little kid?
I remember back in my time...
Does anyone remember all the great games of the days of yore? Playing hide and go seek?
Heads up 7-up.
Skip-it.
Pogo Sticks.
Connect four.
Old-school Nintendo.
What about all the good TV from back in the day?
Salute Your Shorts.
The Secret Life of Alex Mack.
Legends of the hidden temple.
Wild and Crazy kids.
Hey Dude.
Pete and Pete.
Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Snick.
Nick-Jr - Face...
Ahhh face... Wasn't face the most pompous little bastard that you had ever seen? What a fucking tool. He was like the Bill Reilly/ Rush Limbaugh of kids television.. I hated face... Still do...
Or what about Toys-R-Us... That place was fucking awesome...
Rice Course:
Rumors about Korea that I'd like to start...
Did you know that Kim Jong il got a 1600 on his S.A.T's?
Did you know that Fart and Fresh is the same word in Korean?
Did you know that all Koreans must eat Kim-Chi once a month by law?
Did you know that due to the international economic down-turn, North Korea now has the 3rd most stable economy in the world?
Did you know that South Korea's love their porn... 29% of the world's adult content is consumed on this tiny peninsula.
Did you know that every Koreans must have 2 things in their house by law, a picture President Lee Myun Bak, and a copy of the book he wrote in college, "Toke-a-holic"?
Did you know that the Korean government openly puts salt peter in the drinking water in an attempt curb the over-population problem?
Did you know that in Korea, it is illegal for a woman under the age of 40 to speak without first being spoken to?
Dessert (or maize, as the Indians called it...) :
Solving Problems Like A Korean...
I've noticed that there's little to no fighting or problems in my school... Actually in Korea as a whole... Everyone seems super zen and chill and other meditative words. I thought I came upon a foreign utopia when I first got here... But then I realized that Koreans have a secret weapon for solving every little problem... After a few weeks I was given incredible insight into something that has been passed down from Korean generation to Korean generation... An incredibly simple and effective problem solver that is so simple that even a small child can use it, but so powerful that with one fail swoop of the hand, the word of god can be handed down... Now, a few weeks ago when I went hiking, I came upon a little temple in the forest... Everyone there was super peaceful and the vibe of the place was extremely sublime... After an hour of meditation, a Korean Monk came over to me... I offered him the hefty sum of 25,000 won for this knowledge...
I don't know it I'm supposed to be telling you people this, so if anyone asks you, you didn't get it from me...
Bari-Bari-Bow as the "keepers" call it, has turned my life upside down, in a good way... It can be used to solve problems between 2 people, or as many as 100...
The method is very simple...
When there is a problem that needs to be solved, each side stands facing each other... They hold their hands in a closed fist and chant the phrase "Bari-Bari-Bow"... When the "Bow" is spoken, each side, evoking a might ancient Korean god, morphs their hand into one of three shapes.
Shape 1: Loosely translated as the almighty hard Earth...
Symbolizing the mighty Earth and, in extension, all of god's mighty creations, players forming this shape summon the force of the almighty to their side... It's literally like god himself coming down from heaven and pointing his hand at your side of the argument... Powerful stuff... Now the almighty hard earth easily defeats that which slices, but is defeated by the everlasting word...
Shape 2: Loosely translated as the everlasting word...
This second form is also very powerful... Like the mighty texts from various lords, The Bible, The Koran, The Bhagavad Gita, The Yellow Pages... For many centuries, this form has been handed down from powerful and omnipotent beings that obviously have their shit figured out...
Shape 3: Loosely translated as that which slices...
Like a ninja shuriken, a kitana or a ginsu, this form kicks some serious ass...
Wait a god damn minute...
Rock?!?
Paper?!?
Scissors?!?
THAT GOD DAMN MONK!!!!!!!
(But really, RPS is everywhere in this country!!! Every day and every where I see people playing it... Last weekend I was in a club in Seoul and these 2 20-something Korean dudes were sitting at a table drinking and playing fucking rock-paper-scissors... I wonder why they went home alone?.. But ya, it's everywhere... You'd think it would get old but I guess not...)
(And speaking of something getting old, another game that my kids love to play is Hang man... The only problem is... That they use like 3 words... But that won't stop them from playing for like an hour... Literally, an hour with the same 3 words... It's bizarre...)
The Lunch bell has rung, another great day in Korea is half done... Or is it half started???
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