But, I do have a new blog that I invite you to check out. It's at thingskoreanpeoplelike.blogspot.com
It's about stuff that Korean people like... I know it sounds like it sucks, but it doesn't suck.
Also, Thailand part 6 will be out soon.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Hey guys. I haven't written in a while. Why? Well, I really can't say...
But, I do have a new blog that I invite you to check out. It's at thingskoreanpeoplelike.blogspot.com
It's about stuff that Korean people like... I know it sounds like it sucks, but it doesn't suck.
Also, Thailand part 6 will be out soon.
But, I do have a new blog that I invite you to check out. It's at thingskoreanpeoplelike.blogspot.com
It's about stuff that Korean people like... I know it sounds like it sucks, but it doesn't suck.
Also, Thailand part 6 will be out soon.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Spanish Fly Fisherman
Now this is a story, all about how my life got flip turned upside down...
And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became a teacher in a town called Ansan...
In west California, born and raised...
On the beach is where I spent most of my days...
Chillin out max and relaxin all cool...
And all playing some water polo outside of my school...
Til a couple of guys, who said Korea was good...
Started sending emails to my neighborhood...
I got in one little interview and my mom got scared...
And said "You're moving away from your aunty and uncle to Korea?"...
I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said 등학교 and it had 시곡초 in the mirror...
If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought 'nah forget it', "Yo homes, to Ansan"...
It's been a while since I wrote about Korea... 3 months I think. While recanting my tales of wonderment and (insert big word here) in Thailand is fun, I believe reporting on the here and now is important too. So here are some highlights from the last 3 months...
Everland:
About a week ago myself and the other 6th grade teachers form my school went to Everland. Like the Korean version of Disneyland. I was a bit apprehensive about going since non of the other teachers really speak English and I had heard that there were a lot of accidents there... But hey, I got to get out of school so...
In fact, this little trip almost didn't happen. The head of the Ansan school board decided that going to an amusement park wasn't 'educational' (what a dick he must be...) and told my school that we couldn't go... So officially, on the form that the school turned in to the government office, we 'went to get art supplies'... And... Because this was an 'official school trip' I got paid, on top of my normal salary... I learned this after the fact, and thought it was pretty cool...
Anyway, so we got there and I was feeling kind of tired, worn down from the day of teaching, i.e., surfing the net... There was 10 of us, 8 of us didn't speak English...
We get there and there's literally 500,000 Korean school children running around, most of them with cat ears on their heads. I look at my watch, only 4 hours and 59 minutes until the park closes...
(Which one of these people stands out?)
Now this is Korea, so if we don't eat soon someone is going to flip the fuck out or something, our first stop is the ice cream stand... I got a chocolate and vanilla swirl cone, it was pretty good...
After this ice cream I felt better, like a kid again, and was ready to ride some rides. Our first ride stop was the Viking. It was a viking ship that swung back and forth, leaving you almost 90 degrees to the ground...
While we were waiting in line my co teacher was laughing at something, I inquired as to her laughing and she told me that there were a lot of country people around... I asked her how she could tell with everyone pretty much wearing the same uniform. She told me that people from the country have a different accent and say different words. I proceeded to teach her the words 'hick' and 'red neck'...
So the viking was fun, more fun than being at school at least... So now everyone is out of work mode, and these people come alive. One of them actually tries to speak English to me, I was shocked!
We proceed to walk to what my co teacher describes as, "more scary ride than Korea". Whatever the hell that means... We walk up to this wooden roller coaster called the T Express. This roller coaster was sponsored by SK telecom (like everything else in this country) and because SK is my carrier, I got access to their special coffee lounge.
Waiting in line I was struck by the mass amounts of graffiti on the walls of the waiting line. I asked my co teacher what some of it meant. "I'm scared", "Love" were what most of them said. Then I say a huge 'FUCK' scratched into one of the wooden posts, it made me feel strangely at home.
So 30 minutes later we were strapped into the ride and ready to go. We take off in a flash and we start climbing, all the Korean babes on the roller coaster are making screaming sounds, oh wait, I look behind me and it was a dude... We drop down the first drop, almost straight down. Now we were going super fast, and the wind was blowing in my eyes making them water, but... My co teacher was like, "You scared? You are crying!" and proceeded to tell all of the other teachers that I was crying... Bitch...
The rest of the day we walked around, ate 2 more times and stuff like that...
Overall Rating: 4/10
Rating for it Being Korea: 7/10
Hangang Marathon:
So I've decided to try my hands, and feet, at running. I never thought about running as a sport before. Just like how I don't think of curls or an exercise bike as a sport, but I was pleasantly surprised. About 2 months prior to the event I get a face book message about doing the 10 km portion of the Hangang marathon, a marathon sponsored by Adidas that is held in Seoul.
So I sign up. Along with another dude from Ansan who is also a teacher. My training regimen consisted of forgetting about the event for a month, and then running like 4 or 5 km twice a week.
A week before the race I did a 10 km training run. My time was 1:15:00, not super fast but hey, fuck you! I did it pretty easy and was feeling great about finishing.
So the day of the event comes around. 4:20AM my alarm goes off. I wake up surprisingly easy. I've found that if I'm going snowboarding or doing something fun I can wake up super easy and stoked in the morning, but if I have to go to work or something, I feel like crap and am super tired... So i get on the first bus of the day to the train station.
On this bus were a mixture of the hardest working people in the world and the laziest people in the world. About half were going to work and the other half were passed out drunk on their way home from the bar... For once in my life I was in the former...
Fast forward...
On the subway...
Transfer trains...
Ok... Me and Brent get to the subway station and see a bunch of other people wearing the shirt and bag that were supplied to us for the run. We walk outside and again, it being Korea, were given food and ushered onto a bus that would take us to the event.
Getting there I was struck by how fucking big the event was and how many Koreans actually ran. Overall I think there were over 20,000 participants in the event.
So we get there, change into out running attire, put our bags in the designated locker area, i.e., put our bag in a garbage bag and give it to a 15 year old Korea boy...
When the time came to line up, we were about a quarter of a mile from the actual starting line, with the full marathoners first, the half marathoners second and us, the lowly 10kers, in the back... There was a Korean guy, the MC I'm guessing, cracking jokes over the PA system the whole time... Every 3 minutes the entire crowd would laugh historically, but I had no idea what the fuck he was saying... He could have been making fun of me, the bastard...
So we're at the starting line, the countdown begins for the 10k. Five, four, three, two, one... Fireworks go off, and we're off. It was slow going at first, with that many people it's naturally hard to get them moving in one direction, much less running. I now know what a cow in a herd of cattle feels like...
There was this super fat Korean guy in front of me. About 45 seconds into the race he stopped running, beads of sweat coming off his face, and started walking. Literally 500 meters from the starting line. He was like a car, off the line in first gear, grinding the gears into second, and finally dropping the transmission onto the ground. What a fat bastard. You'd think he'd know that he's a fat bastard before the day of the 10k... Maybe he just did it for the free shirt, or to get babes...
For the first 3km I felt like I couldn't fucking breathe. I was still running like a thoroughbred, but I wasn't at my top form... Maybe the pollution had something to do with it... Seoul has mad air pollution. Like a smoker coughing green flem on your face, it's pretty gross.
Around km 3 there were about 10 Korean women dressed up as cheerleaders... Which was awesome. "Fighting" they all yelled as I ran by.
'Fighting' is what Korean people say to pump you up. like 'come on!' or 'let's go!'.
Km 5, drink station... Powerade, delicious... Blue, my favorite flavor... I like green flavor too...
Km 7, sponge station... Like getting a hot towel on an airplane, I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. Do I put it in my pants? Do I save it for later??? But most people were squeezing the water on themselves so I did the same... It felt way good, I got a little jolt of energy...
Km 9.9... As I came up to the finish line I was pumped up... The crowd was rawring, the ladies were swooning and... other stuff like that. I finished in a time if 55 minutes and 18 seconds. My goal was to bust it in under an hour, so I succeeded.
Yet again, I was met with food, water and a medal... Everyone got a medal so I didn't feel super awesome about it, but still kind of awesome... Like coming in third in a 5 man race... Or coming in 7th in a 14 man race... You get what I'm saying...
Overall I was super stoked on the marathon... It was a great day for all... Well, I guess someone died of a heart attack while running the race, so, it was a great day for most...
Overall Rating: 9/10
Rating for it Being Korea: 11/10
Other Event Rankings:
Night Life:
Overall Rating: 5/10
Rating for it Being Korea: 5/10
School:
Overall Rating: 6/10
Rating for it Being Korea: 7/10
Co-Teacher Night:
Overall Rating: 7/10
Rating for it Being Korea: 7/10
Live Octopus:
Overall Rating: 8/10
Rating for it Being Korea: 9/10
And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became a teacher in a town called Ansan...
In west California, born and raised...
On the beach is where I spent most of my days...
Chillin out max and relaxin all cool...
And all playing some water polo outside of my school...
Til a couple of guys, who said Korea was good...
Started sending emails to my neighborhood...
I got in one little interview and my mom got scared...
And said "You're moving away from your aunty and uncle to Korea?"...
I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said 등학교 and it had 시곡초 in the mirror...
If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought 'nah forget it', "Yo homes, to Ansan"...
It's been a while since I wrote about Korea... 3 months I think. While recanting my tales of wonderment and (insert big word here) in Thailand is fun, I believe reporting on the here and now is important too. So here are some highlights from the last 3 months...
Everland:
About a week ago myself and the other 6th grade teachers form my school went to Everland. Like the Korean version of Disneyland. I was a bit apprehensive about going since non of the other teachers really speak English and I had heard that there were a lot of accidents there... But hey, I got to get out of school so...
In fact, this little trip almost didn't happen. The head of the Ansan school board decided that going to an amusement park wasn't 'educational' (what a dick he must be...) and told my school that we couldn't go... So officially, on the form that the school turned in to the government office, we 'went to get art supplies'... And... Because this was an 'official school trip' I got paid, on top of my normal salary... I learned this after the fact, and thought it was pretty cool...
Anyway, so we got there and I was feeling kind of tired, worn down from the day of teaching, i.e., surfing the net... There was 10 of us, 8 of us didn't speak English...
We get there and there's literally 500,000 Korean school children running around, most of them with cat ears on their heads. I look at my watch, only 4 hours and 59 minutes until the park closes...
(Which one of these people stands out?)
Now this is Korea, so if we don't eat soon someone is going to flip the fuck out or something, our first stop is the ice cream stand... I got a chocolate and vanilla swirl cone, it was pretty good...
After this ice cream I felt better, like a kid again, and was ready to ride some rides. Our first ride stop was the Viking. It was a viking ship that swung back and forth, leaving you almost 90 degrees to the ground...
While we were waiting in line my co teacher was laughing at something, I inquired as to her laughing and she told me that there were a lot of country people around... I asked her how she could tell with everyone pretty much wearing the same uniform. She told me that people from the country have a different accent and say different words. I proceeded to teach her the words 'hick' and 'red neck'...
So the viking was fun, more fun than being at school at least... So now everyone is out of work mode, and these people come alive. One of them actually tries to speak English to me, I was shocked!
We proceed to walk to what my co teacher describes as, "more scary ride than Korea". Whatever the hell that means... We walk up to this wooden roller coaster called the T Express. This roller coaster was sponsored by SK telecom (like everything else in this country) and because SK is my carrier, I got access to their special coffee lounge.
Waiting in line I was struck by the mass amounts of graffiti on the walls of the waiting line. I asked my co teacher what some of it meant. "I'm scared", "Love" were what most of them said. Then I say a huge 'FUCK' scratched into one of the wooden posts, it made me feel strangely at home.
So 30 minutes later we were strapped into the ride and ready to go. We take off in a flash and we start climbing, all the Korean babes on the roller coaster are making screaming sounds, oh wait, I look behind me and it was a dude... We drop down the first drop, almost straight down. Now we were going super fast, and the wind was blowing in my eyes making them water, but... My co teacher was like, "You scared? You are crying!" and proceeded to tell all of the other teachers that I was crying... Bitch...
The rest of the day we walked around, ate 2 more times and stuff like that...
Overall Rating: 4/10
Rating for it Being Korea: 7/10
Hangang Marathon:
So I've decided to try my hands, and feet, at running. I never thought about running as a sport before. Just like how I don't think of curls or an exercise bike as a sport, but I was pleasantly surprised. About 2 months prior to the event I get a face book message about doing the 10 km portion of the Hangang marathon, a marathon sponsored by Adidas that is held in Seoul.
So I sign up. Along with another dude from Ansan who is also a teacher. My training regimen consisted of forgetting about the event for a month, and then running like 4 or 5 km twice a week.
A week before the race I did a 10 km training run. My time was 1:15:00, not super fast but hey, fuck you! I did it pretty easy and was feeling great about finishing.
So the day of the event comes around. 4:20AM my alarm goes off. I wake up surprisingly easy. I've found that if I'm going snowboarding or doing something fun I can wake up super easy and stoked in the morning, but if I have to go to work or something, I feel like crap and am super tired... So i get on the first bus of the day to the train station.
On this bus were a mixture of the hardest working people in the world and the laziest people in the world. About half were going to work and the other half were passed out drunk on their way home from the bar... For once in my life I was in the former...
Fast forward...
On the subway...
Transfer trains...
Ok... Me and Brent get to the subway station and see a bunch of other people wearing the shirt and bag that were supplied to us for the run. We walk outside and again, it being Korea, were given food and ushered onto a bus that would take us to the event.
Getting there I was struck by how fucking big the event was and how many Koreans actually ran. Overall I think there were over 20,000 participants in the event.
So we get there, change into out running attire, put our bags in the designated locker area, i.e., put our bag in a garbage bag and give it to a 15 year old Korea boy...
When the time came to line up, we were about a quarter of a mile from the actual starting line, with the full marathoners first, the half marathoners second and us, the lowly 10kers, in the back... There was a Korean guy, the MC I'm guessing, cracking jokes over the PA system the whole time... Every 3 minutes the entire crowd would laugh historically, but I had no idea what the fuck he was saying... He could have been making fun of me, the bastard...
So we're at the starting line, the countdown begins for the 10k. Five, four, three, two, one... Fireworks go off, and we're off. It was slow going at first, with that many people it's naturally hard to get them moving in one direction, much less running. I now know what a cow in a herd of cattle feels like...
There was this super fat Korean guy in front of me. About 45 seconds into the race he stopped running, beads of sweat coming off his face, and started walking. Literally 500 meters from the starting line. He was like a car, off the line in first gear, grinding the gears into second, and finally dropping the transmission onto the ground. What a fat bastard. You'd think he'd know that he's a fat bastard before the day of the 10k... Maybe he just did it for the free shirt, or to get babes...
For the first 3km I felt like I couldn't fucking breathe. I was still running like a thoroughbred, but I wasn't at my top form... Maybe the pollution had something to do with it... Seoul has mad air pollution. Like a smoker coughing green flem on your face, it's pretty gross.
Around km 3 there were about 10 Korean women dressed up as cheerleaders... Which was awesome. "Fighting" they all yelled as I ran by.
'Fighting' is what Korean people say to pump you up. like 'come on!' or 'let's go!'.
Km 5, drink station... Powerade, delicious... Blue, my favorite flavor... I like green flavor too...
Km 7, sponge station... Like getting a hot towel on an airplane, I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. Do I put it in my pants? Do I save it for later??? But most people were squeezing the water on themselves so I did the same... It felt way good, I got a little jolt of energy...
Km 9.9... As I came up to the finish line I was pumped up... The crowd was rawring, the ladies were swooning and... other stuff like that. I finished in a time if 55 minutes and 18 seconds. My goal was to bust it in under an hour, so I succeeded.
Yet again, I was met with food, water and a medal... Everyone got a medal so I didn't feel super awesome about it, but still kind of awesome... Like coming in third in a 5 man race... Or coming in 7th in a 14 man race... You get what I'm saying...
Overall I was super stoked on the marathon... It was a great day for all... Well, I guess someone died of a heart attack while running the race, so, it was a great day for most...
Overall Rating: 9/10
Rating for it Being Korea: 11/10
Other Event Rankings:
Night Life:
Overall Rating: 5/10
Rating for it Being Korea: 5/10
School:
Overall Rating: 6/10
Rating for it Being Korea: 7/10
Co-Teacher Night:
Overall Rating: 7/10
Rating for it Being Korea: 7/10
Live Octopus:
Overall Rating: 8/10
Rating for it Being Korea: 9/10
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Me Fui a Thailand Para Tomar y Sufear - Thailand - Part 5
Bauxite, hot dog, Dave Mathews Band, sex with a horse... Hmmm, I don't think that hookah was tobacco...
Today I have a big day ahead of me. I have to buy a bus ticket to Koh Chang, visit the Grand Palace and then drink... Koh Chang is an island about 330 km away from Bangkok. It will be my home for the next 5 nights.
It's about 11 in the A.M. Getting out of bed when you're already sweating is kind of a bitch. I mean, it sets the whole mood for the day, like getting peed on.
Walking down Khao San road I feel surprisingly blase and bored for someone on vacation. All around me there were people selling shirts, people buying fruit, power hippies drinking, dumb blond girls doing dumb blond girl things, people selling wooden frogs... Is this what Thailand is I wondered? Where are all the elephants? Where are the ladies with pointy things on their fingers?
'I have to get out of here' I thought to myself. Khao San road is like Rosarito Mexico, or the bar in From Dusk til Dawn. A good idea that seems awesome but turns out to suck balls.
I needed to experience some real Thailand, I need 300cc's of real Thai culture, stat. So I decided to try and find it, today. I'm going to walk that way until I find it. Oh wait, I'll follow that girl... A block later she turned around and turned out to be a dude, so I walked the other way...
Getting away from Khao San I realized how big this city really is. And how different it can be from the tourist trap that is Khao San. Walking in the direction of the Grand Palace I began to see fewer shirt stands, and fewer power hippies...
The city opened up before me like the mighty doors of a majestic castle, champagne rained down from the jewel encrusted ceiling and elephants danced in a secret garden of azure... God Damn, that hookah was not tobacco... And I think I'm dehydrated.
So I walked into a 7-11 and bought a bottle of water and some Thai red bull. While inside I saw a monk buying a hot dog... I tried to get a spy shot but got mostly my hand... see...
I thought they only ate rice and stuff. I thought Big Gulps were out of the question, but I guess not.
About an hour later I came upon the Grand Palace. Check it out...
One thing about the Grand Palace that I though was pretty bunk was their rule of no shorts allowed. Pants not midgets. Which I think would be fine in the winter, but when it's 95 degrees outside, it fucking sucks. I brought pants with me, but was reluctant to change into them until the last minutes, due to the excessive heat.
So I show up, and find myself in a catch 22 situation. There are no bathrooms outside of the palace, so I would have to go inside to change, but you can't go inside wearing shorts... Fuckers...
So I had to think fast... I went behind the ticket booth and took off my shorts... All of a sudden this Thai dude with a machine gun, I hope he was one of the guards, walks behind the ticket booth, stands like 5 feet away from me, and just stares. At this point I'm wearing boxers and no shoes, and fishing through my backpack for my pants. I see him and stop fishing, and just try to look cool... Like James Bond... This is the epitome of getting caught with your pants down I thought to myself, actually this is the definition... So the guy holds his ground, still staring without saying a word... Is he going to shoot me? I hope he doesn't shoot me in the wiener, I remember thinking to myself.
I find my pants, put them on and zip up. I put my shorts in my backpack and walk past the guy with the machine gun... He turns and watches me as I turn the corner... Wow, that was kind of weird...
The Grand Palace was pretty awesome, temples and statues and stuff... But I needed to mingle with the locals, soak up some local flavor...
About an hour and a half later I left the palace, I jumped into a 7-11 to change back into my shorts, not wanting a repeat of the previous occurrence.
I walked away from Khao San road and came upon a market. It was right along the waterfront and was full of mostly Thai people.
I felt more calm, more chill, more Bond-like amongst these people. I wasn't one of them, but I walked among them... A peaceful and quiet observer, like a night-stalker, but non-violent.
I walked around for a majority of the day, getting lost while periodically checking my location on a map to ensure I always knew where I was. I walked along the river and came to a University. I walked around the grounds, past the Economics building, through the cafeteria and found myself feeling super zen and chilled out, like a stoned monk. I sat down by the waterfront and watched the boats go by. I looked at the skyline on the other side of the river and wondered who lived in the apartments, what they did, what they were doing right now, and if any of them were hooking up...
It was getting dark, and I was getting hungry. Oh shit, I needed to buy my ticket too...
An hour later and I was back on the Khao San... A familiar sneer returned to my face, of disdain and of, well, mostly disdain.
I walked into a travel agent and told them I needed to get to Kho Chang... "700 Baht there and back, bud" that lady said. Sounding more like a New York taxi driver than a Thai women... "The place down the road quotes me at 600, can you do this?" She got on her phone and started screaming into it in Thai. This continued for like 4 and a half minutes... I wondered what she was saying, even if this had anything to do with me. She hangs up, and without saying a word takes my money and gives me a ticket. She writes down on a piece of paper, "Be here at 8A.M. tomorrow". What a weird lady... I backed out of the shop so she couldn't attack me as I was leaving.
I went to the restaurant next to the Shabad House and ate dinner. Pad Thai naturally. I went back to the guest house and went into my room. It was 11:30 P.M. and I had to get up early tomorrow. I watched a bootleg copy of Avatar and went to bed, not knowing that tomorrow my trip would start getting fucking awesome beyond belief.
Today I have a big day ahead of me. I have to buy a bus ticket to Koh Chang, visit the Grand Palace and then drink... Koh Chang is an island about 330 km away from Bangkok. It will be my home for the next 5 nights.
It's about 11 in the A.M. Getting out of bed when you're already sweating is kind of a bitch. I mean, it sets the whole mood for the day, like getting peed on.
Walking down Khao San road I feel surprisingly blase and bored for someone on vacation. All around me there were people selling shirts, people buying fruit, power hippies drinking, dumb blond girls doing dumb blond girl things, people selling wooden frogs... Is this what Thailand is I wondered? Where are all the elephants? Where are the ladies with pointy things on their fingers?
'I have to get out of here' I thought to myself. Khao San road is like Rosarito Mexico, or the bar in From Dusk til Dawn. A good idea that seems awesome but turns out to suck balls.
I needed to experience some real Thailand, I need 300cc's of real Thai culture, stat. So I decided to try and find it, today. I'm going to walk that way until I find it. Oh wait, I'll follow that girl... A block later she turned around and turned out to be a dude, so I walked the other way...
Getting away from Khao San I realized how big this city really is. And how different it can be from the tourist trap that is Khao San. Walking in the direction of the Grand Palace I began to see fewer shirt stands, and fewer power hippies...
The city opened up before me like the mighty doors of a majestic castle, champagne rained down from the jewel encrusted ceiling and elephants danced in a secret garden of azure... God Damn, that hookah was not tobacco... And I think I'm dehydrated.
So I walked into a 7-11 and bought a bottle of water and some Thai red bull. While inside I saw a monk buying a hot dog... I tried to get a spy shot but got mostly my hand... see...
I thought they only ate rice and stuff. I thought Big Gulps were out of the question, but I guess not.
About an hour later I came upon the Grand Palace. Check it out...
One thing about the Grand Palace that I though was pretty bunk was their rule of no shorts allowed. Pants not midgets. Which I think would be fine in the winter, but when it's 95 degrees outside, it fucking sucks. I brought pants with me, but was reluctant to change into them until the last minutes, due to the excessive heat.
So I show up, and find myself in a catch 22 situation. There are no bathrooms outside of the palace, so I would have to go inside to change, but you can't go inside wearing shorts... Fuckers...
So I had to think fast... I went behind the ticket booth and took off my shorts... All of a sudden this Thai dude with a machine gun, I hope he was one of the guards, walks behind the ticket booth, stands like 5 feet away from me, and just stares. At this point I'm wearing boxers and no shoes, and fishing through my backpack for my pants. I see him and stop fishing, and just try to look cool... Like James Bond... This is the epitome of getting caught with your pants down I thought to myself, actually this is the definition... So the guy holds his ground, still staring without saying a word... Is he going to shoot me? I hope he doesn't shoot me in the wiener, I remember thinking to myself.
I find my pants, put them on and zip up. I put my shorts in my backpack and walk past the guy with the machine gun... He turns and watches me as I turn the corner... Wow, that was kind of weird...
The Grand Palace was pretty awesome, temples and statues and stuff... But I needed to mingle with the locals, soak up some local flavor...
About an hour and a half later I left the palace, I jumped into a 7-11 to change back into my shorts, not wanting a repeat of the previous occurrence.
I walked away from Khao San road and came upon a market. It was right along the waterfront and was full of mostly Thai people.
I felt more calm, more chill, more Bond-like amongst these people. I wasn't one of them, but I walked among them... A peaceful and quiet observer, like a night-stalker, but non-violent.
I walked around for a majority of the day, getting lost while periodically checking my location on a map to ensure I always knew where I was. I walked along the river and came to a University. I walked around the grounds, past the Economics building, through the cafeteria and found myself feeling super zen and chilled out, like a stoned monk. I sat down by the waterfront and watched the boats go by. I looked at the skyline on the other side of the river and wondered who lived in the apartments, what they did, what they were doing right now, and if any of them were hooking up...
It was getting dark, and I was getting hungry. Oh shit, I needed to buy my ticket too...
An hour later and I was back on the Khao San... A familiar sneer returned to my face, of disdain and of, well, mostly disdain.
I walked into a travel agent and told them I needed to get to Kho Chang... "700 Baht there and back, bud" that lady said. Sounding more like a New York taxi driver than a Thai women... "The place down the road quotes me at 600, can you do this?" She got on her phone and started screaming into it in Thai. This continued for like 4 and a half minutes... I wondered what she was saying, even if this had anything to do with me. She hangs up, and without saying a word takes my money and gives me a ticket. She writes down on a piece of paper, "Be here at 8A.M. tomorrow". What a weird lady... I backed out of the shop so she couldn't attack me as I was leaving.
I went to the restaurant next to the Shabad House and ate dinner. Pad Thai naturally. I went back to the guest house and went into my room. It was 11:30 P.M. and I had to get up early tomorrow. I watched a bootleg copy of Avatar and went to bed, not knowing that tomorrow my trip would start getting fucking awesome beyond belief.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
I just got the news today at work, my girlfriend of 3 and a half months is pregnant! I'm so excited!!! I met her in Thailand in January. She was drinking by herself in a tranny bar and we locked eyes from across the room and the rest in history!!! Ever since then it has been a whirl-wind romance. She is by far the kindest and most loving women I have ever met.
(Here's a picture I took of her last week in Seoul)
I met Danny on Khao San Road in Bangkok. We started out chatting about how great the place was and wound up spending the entire trip together. Looking at her beautiful smile and delicate features makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
She works in a recycling plant in a suburb of Seoul. She is the assistant to the manager of plastics and plastic-like materials. I found her talk of recycled products fascinating and have never seen someone more passionate and knowledgeable about recycled goods before.
I am definitely going to marry this beauty. Unfortunately, due to a few felony methamphetamine arrests and convictions, she cannot enter the United States, so we have been thinking of settling down somewhere else. Perhaps Mexico or a non-extradition country in Europe.
Wish me luck and happiness!!!!
Editors Note:
APRIL FOOLS...
Editors P.S.:
To those who congratulated me on my faux engagement to the beast above, fuck you. I got the picture by googling "ugly chick".
(Here's a picture I took of her last week in Seoul)
I met Danny on Khao San Road in Bangkok. We started out chatting about how great the place was and wound up spending the entire trip together. Looking at her beautiful smile and delicate features makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
She works in a recycling plant in a suburb of Seoul. She is the assistant to the manager of plastics and plastic-like materials. I found her talk of recycled products fascinating and have never seen someone more passionate and knowledgeable about recycled goods before.
I am definitely going to marry this beauty. Unfortunately, due to a few felony methamphetamine arrests and convictions, she cannot enter the United States, so we have been thinking of settling down somewhere else. Perhaps Mexico or a non-extradition country in Europe.
Wish me luck and happiness!!!!
Editors Note:
APRIL FOOLS...
Editors P.S.:
To those who congratulated me on my faux engagement to the beast above, fuck you. I got the picture by googling "ugly chick".
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Wat The Fuck? - Thailand - Part 4
Waking up the next morning, I heard a buzzing. I looked around the room and saw nothing, so I went back to sleep... Buzzzzzzzz... I again looked around the room through the mosquito net and saw a huge fucking bee! It was trying to get in through the mosquito net and suck my sweet blood... I know bees don't do that, but it was him against me, and that is the mentality one must have when going into battle. It was sitting on the outside of the mosquito net, resting. I flicked it with my middle finger, it was knocked back, but returned to the outside of the net, uninjured. I think this just made it more angry.
I needed a weapon. I grabbed a pen, and using both hands, I flicked the bastard... He flew back, hit the wall and landed on the ground... He (I'm guessing it was a male bee) got up, and flew around the room and came right back to where he was on the net, flying at me aggressively and buzzing loudly. "You bastard" I said aloud...
I laid back down, trying to wake up... I took a sip of water, rubbed my eyes and realized that I was in beautiful Thailand. It was around 9 A.M. and outside I heard the sound of some kind of bird and also people speaking Korean... I had a full day of sight seeing ahead of me and needed to get a move on... But first I had to get past this god damn bee...
I grabbed my copy of The Road by Cormac McCarthy and rolled it up... I got into a low crouch on the bed, knees bent, eyes narrowed, hand fully cocked back... I watched it fly around the room with the eyes of a hawk and the patience of a tiger... When it landed, BAMMO, I swung with a furious motion, using all of my might, causing me to fall forward... A second later I was tearing down the mosquito net, laying on my chest and hitting the scrunched up net with the book in a stabbing motion like a serial killer repeatedly stabbing a body... I got him... I think... "That'll teach him" I thought to my self, kind of proud, kind of ashamed...
I grabbed my shower kit, a fresh change of clothes and walked to the shared bathroom...As I stepped out into the Thailand air it was 85 degrees already... "Hi" I said to the 3 Koreans from the night before, eating breakfast on the patio... I got 2 double handed waves and an "Anyanhaseo"... Pretty much par for the course I guess... The Korean witch was nowhere to be seen...
After a cold shower and change of clothes, I walked out of the bathroom and saw the mustached lady... "The mosquito net in my room came off, I'm not sure how..." I said to her...
Walking down Khao San road, I was struck by how many people were already drinking at 9:30 in the morning. Eggs with Heineken, Pad Thai with Vodka and Red Bull... Or just a straight up beer... Pretty much everyone was drinking... I walked to the other road, Ram Booty or something... Haha, Ram Booty... It wasn't called that but was dangerously close to that so that is what I, in fact, decided to call it.
I ordered some pulled duck over rice, and a huge bottle of water from a street vendor that looked like she was about 300 years old. I sat there devouring it and going over the map that I got from my guest house. Today I'm going to go to Wat Pho, a super dope temple about 4 KM away from where I was staying. It's home to the largest reclining Buddha in the world, and also home to one of the best massage schools in Thailand. Some would say that it's the best temple in Thailand, some wouldn't, who am I to say...
I found it a bit odd that it was a temple and a massage school, kind of a conflict of interest isn't it? That's like having the biggest Mormon church and the biggest blackjack dealers school in one place... Or the biggest catholic church and the biggest child molesters school in the same place... Haha... It's funny because it's true... What? Too soon?
After the duck, I walked over to the Tuk tuk stand... I wouldn't normally take a tuk tuk due to their uncomfortable accommodations, trickster-pimp drivers and dangerousness, but it's something you have to do once... Like kill a hooker or see the Grand Canyon... Is hooker capitalized? hooker, Hooker... I'm not sure...
Anyway... I walked up to the Tuk tuk area and starting a conversation with a guy with no shirt... About 5 minutes into the convo I realize that he has nothing to do with tuk tuks, or tuk tuk driving, so I moved on.
"Whoa!" This Thai tuk tuk driver says as I walked up to him, like I was just beating off right into the street. "Ummm, can you take me to Wat Pho?" I asked, wondering why he was so excited and/or freaked out to see me... "Oh friends, (like there was more than one person), I take you there 300 Baht..." He says. "That guy over there told me 100 Baht." I said, lying... "Ok friends, 100 baaaht"... (What he didn't know is that there really was no other guy... Nice one Alex...)
I got in and the ride started...
Here's a short vid:
As you can see. It's a really a polluted, noisy and terrible way to travel.
As we were driving to Wat Pho, we passed the Grand Palace. How Grand is it you ask? Fucking grand... I would be going there the next day so I pressed on to The Pho...
We pulled down a street that was sandwiched between two twenty some odd foot white walls. On one side there were tons of tour buses lined up one after the other, resembling a train...
I got out of the tuk tuk, handed the guy the cash, and walked in. It was 50 baht to get in for foreigners, free for Thai people. This was very common at many places in Thailand. I thought it was kind of racist... Actually it's the definition of racism. I mean, I can see where they're coming from, you know, making money and still letting their poor ass citizens enjoy stuff... But...
What if we did this in America? Say going to a movie theater... $5 for Americans, $60 for Black people, $200 for Mexicans and "other foreigners"... People would be literally shitting in the streets!
But, as I said before, prior to my slightly misaligned digression, I see where the Thai people are coming from... And furthermore, because it was only like $2 to enjoy this awesome place, I had no problem forking over the dough, and enjoying the show.
This place was awesome!
Take a look...
Wat Pho is home to the world's largest reclining Buddha... In Thailand, there are many statues of Buddha in various positions. The largest standing Buddha is also in Thailand for example... This got me thinking about where all of the statues of Buddha in some less than regal poses were located... For example... The squatting Buddha, the hernia pain Buddha, the "O-Face" Buddha and the just-got-caught-with-an-underage-male-prostitute Buddha... Where are they?
The largest reclining Buddha was pretty fucking big. It was kept in a cool temple where you had to take off your shows and get in a huge line in order to enter. Once inside there were a million dicks all jockeying for position trying to take pictures of the thing. I have like 5 pictures with random heads and shoulders of German people trying to take pictures. But I got 1 picture that was cool, I think, you might think it sucks...
There were like 50 little pots in a row along the wall towards the end of the temple. People were slowly walking along the row and dropping little coins into each one. What was this for I wondered? 1...2...3... Seconds later I left... I guess they were for prayers or something...
There were tons of Thai school children wandering around the Pho. They all seemed pretty unimpressed and sweaty. I guess they probably come here every year. Isn't it weak that teachers, like elementary status, always take you to the same places and do the same things, every year. I remember back in elementary school we would go to the Hersey factory every god damn year... Sometimes, twice in the same year... I mean it was great at first... But once I realized that this place was nothing like Willy Wanka's Chocolate factory, I would rather be in math class... So I'm guessing that's what these kids felt like...
Besides being a tourist attraction, Wat Pho is also a fully functioning temple. People come here to pray, and do other temple related activities. I felt bad taking pictures of people praying, but not that bad...
Walking outside it was super hot...
The sun was beating down on me like the fists of a drunken Kansas husband... I took a sip of my 2 liter water bottle... My second of the day... It was almost empty... I needed to get more water... I took one final look at the temple grounds and left...
Walking outside I was accosted by people selling things and offering services... Nothing I was really interested in, so I decided to make my way back to Khao San...
I knew what general direction it was, but had no idea as to how far or exactly where it was... So I went left...
While I was waiting to cross the street someone grabbed my hand... It was a 40 year old Thai man... "Come my friend" He held up his hand in a stopping motion to the oncoming traffic and with my hand in his other hand, led me across the street... I quickly jolted my hand away, but continued following him across the street... "Thanks" I said to him, giving the customary praying hand motion... But what a god damn psycho I thought... He was nice though, helping me out like that...
It's like Michael Jackson I guess... Part of you thinks he's just a super nice guy, but the other part thinks he's a raging child-raping psycho...
Moving right along...
So I found the river and was able to locate my location thanks to a map that I had gotten earlier from my guest house... If I went right at the river.
Look at this picture, pretty cool huh? Well, I saw this guy about 50 yards down the pier... I needed to get a shot of him, you know, monks add so much flavor to an otherwise bland picture. But just walking up to a monk like some kind of paparazzi dick is kind of rude and super bad karma I'm guessing, so I needed to use the art of deception...
I pretended to be taking pictures of the bridge in the background... Then... All of a sudden "something went wrong" with my camera... I stood there with a puzzled look on my face, like a fart had just appeared in an empty room... Then, without looking at the monk, I snapped a picture... So... He would think that he walked through my bridge shot, HOWEVER, I really got the bastard right where I wanted him... Sorry monk but it's true...
The rest of that day was spent wandering around... Looking at things, staring at things, sometimes just a quick glance... After my massive walk back to Khao San from Wat Pho I was super tired... I got some pad thai, a few Changs and went back to my guest house...
The god damn Korean witch was outside on the patio...
"Hi!" she said as I walked past...
I looked at her...
"Uuugh, Hi" I said...
"Donuts, Monkey, Sand paper"... I said... And walked into my room...
That should keep her busy for a while...
I needed a weapon. I grabbed a pen, and using both hands, I flicked the bastard... He flew back, hit the wall and landed on the ground... He (I'm guessing it was a male bee) got up, and flew around the room and came right back to where he was on the net, flying at me aggressively and buzzing loudly. "You bastard" I said aloud...
I laid back down, trying to wake up... I took a sip of water, rubbed my eyes and realized that I was in beautiful Thailand. It was around 9 A.M. and outside I heard the sound of some kind of bird and also people speaking Korean... I had a full day of sight seeing ahead of me and needed to get a move on... But first I had to get past this god damn bee...
I grabbed my copy of The Road by Cormac McCarthy and rolled it up... I got into a low crouch on the bed, knees bent, eyes narrowed, hand fully cocked back... I watched it fly around the room with the eyes of a hawk and the patience of a tiger... When it landed, BAMMO, I swung with a furious motion, using all of my might, causing me to fall forward... A second later I was tearing down the mosquito net, laying on my chest and hitting the scrunched up net with the book in a stabbing motion like a serial killer repeatedly stabbing a body... I got him... I think... "That'll teach him" I thought to my self, kind of proud, kind of ashamed...
I grabbed my shower kit, a fresh change of clothes and walked to the shared bathroom...As I stepped out into the Thailand air it was 85 degrees already... "Hi" I said to the 3 Koreans from the night before, eating breakfast on the patio... I got 2 double handed waves and an "Anyanhaseo"... Pretty much par for the course I guess... The Korean witch was nowhere to be seen...
After a cold shower and change of clothes, I walked out of the bathroom and saw the mustached lady... "The mosquito net in my room came off, I'm not sure how..." I said to her...
Walking down Khao San road, I was struck by how many people were already drinking at 9:30 in the morning. Eggs with Heineken, Pad Thai with Vodka and Red Bull... Or just a straight up beer... Pretty much everyone was drinking... I walked to the other road, Ram Booty or something... Haha, Ram Booty... It wasn't called that but was dangerously close to that so that is what I, in fact, decided to call it.
I ordered some pulled duck over rice, and a huge bottle of water from a street vendor that looked like she was about 300 years old. I sat there devouring it and going over the map that I got from my guest house. Today I'm going to go to Wat Pho, a super dope temple about 4 KM away from where I was staying. It's home to the largest reclining Buddha in the world, and also home to one of the best massage schools in Thailand. Some would say that it's the best temple in Thailand, some wouldn't, who am I to say...
I found it a bit odd that it was a temple and a massage school, kind of a conflict of interest isn't it? That's like having the biggest Mormon church and the biggest blackjack dealers school in one place... Or the biggest catholic church and the biggest child molesters school in the same place... Haha... It's funny because it's true... What? Too soon?
After the duck, I walked over to the Tuk tuk stand... I wouldn't normally take a tuk tuk due to their uncomfortable accommodations, trickster-pimp drivers and dangerousness, but it's something you have to do once... Like kill a hooker or see the Grand Canyon... Is hooker capitalized? hooker, Hooker... I'm not sure...
Anyway... I walked up to the Tuk tuk area and starting a conversation with a guy with no shirt... About 5 minutes into the convo I realize that he has nothing to do with tuk tuks, or tuk tuk driving, so I moved on.
"Whoa!" This Thai tuk tuk driver says as I walked up to him, like I was just beating off right into the street. "Ummm, can you take me to Wat Pho?" I asked, wondering why he was so excited and/or freaked out to see me... "Oh friends, (like there was more than one person), I take you there 300 Baht..." He says. "That guy over there told me 100 Baht." I said, lying... "Ok friends, 100 baaaht"... (What he didn't know is that there really was no other guy... Nice one Alex...)
I got in and the ride started...
Here's a short vid:
As you can see. It's a really a polluted, noisy and terrible way to travel.
As we were driving to Wat Pho, we passed the Grand Palace. How Grand is it you ask? Fucking grand... I would be going there the next day so I pressed on to The Pho...
We pulled down a street that was sandwiched between two twenty some odd foot white walls. On one side there were tons of tour buses lined up one after the other, resembling a train...
I got out of the tuk tuk, handed the guy the cash, and walked in. It was 50 baht to get in for foreigners, free for Thai people. This was very common at many places in Thailand. I thought it was kind of racist... Actually it's the definition of racism. I mean, I can see where they're coming from, you know, making money and still letting their poor ass citizens enjoy stuff... But...
What if we did this in America? Say going to a movie theater... $5 for Americans, $60 for Black people, $200 for Mexicans and "other foreigners"... People would be literally shitting in the streets!
But, as I said before, prior to my slightly misaligned digression, I see where the Thai people are coming from... And furthermore, because it was only like $2 to enjoy this awesome place, I had no problem forking over the dough, and enjoying the show.
This place was awesome!
Take a look...
Wat Pho is home to the world's largest reclining Buddha... In Thailand, there are many statues of Buddha in various positions. The largest standing Buddha is also in Thailand for example... This got me thinking about where all of the statues of Buddha in some less than regal poses were located... For example... The squatting Buddha, the hernia pain Buddha, the "O-Face" Buddha and the just-got-caught-with-an-underage-male-prostitute Buddha... Where are they?
The largest reclining Buddha was pretty fucking big. It was kept in a cool temple where you had to take off your shows and get in a huge line in order to enter. Once inside there were a million dicks all jockeying for position trying to take pictures of the thing. I have like 5 pictures with random heads and shoulders of German people trying to take pictures. But I got 1 picture that was cool, I think, you might think it sucks...
There were like 50 little pots in a row along the wall towards the end of the temple. People were slowly walking along the row and dropping little coins into each one. What was this for I wondered? 1...2...3... Seconds later I left... I guess they were for prayers or something...
There were tons of Thai school children wandering around the Pho. They all seemed pretty unimpressed and sweaty. I guess they probably come here every year. Isn't it weak that teachers, like elementary status, always take you to the same places and do the same things, every year. I remember back in elementary school we would go to the Hersey factory every god damn year... Sometimes, twice in the same year... I mean it was great at first... But once I realized that this place was nothing like Willy Wanka's Chocolate factory, I would rather be in math class... So I'm guessing that's what these kids felt like...
Besides being a tourist attraction, Wat Pho is also a fully functioning temple. People come here to pray, and do other temple related activities. I felt bad taking pictures of people praying, but not that bad...
Walking outside it was super hot...
The sun was beating down on me like the fists of a drunken Kansas husband... I took a sip of my 2 liter water bottle... My second of the day... It was almost empty... I needed to get more water... I took one final look at the temple grounds and left...
Walking outside I was accosted by people selling things and offering services... Nothing I was really interested in, so I decided to make my way back to Khao San...
I knew what general direction it was, but had no idea as to how far or exactly where it was... So I went left...
While I was waiting to cross the street someone grabbed my hand... It was a 40 year old Thai man... "Come my friend" He held up his hand in a stopping motion to the oncoming traffic and with my hand in his other hand, led me across the street... I quickly jolted my hand away, but continued following him across the street... "Thanks" I said to him, giving the customary praying hand motion... But what a god damn psycho I thought... He was nice though, helping me out like that...
It's like Michael Jackson I guess... Part of you thinks he's just a super nice guy, but the other part thinks he's a raging child-raping psycho...
Moving right along...
So I found the river and was able to locate my location thanks to a map that I had gotten earlier from my guest house... If I went right at the river.
Look at this picture, pretty cool huh? Well, I saw this guy about 50 yards down the pier... I needed to get a shot of him, you know, monks add so much flavor to an otherwise bland picture. But just walking up to a monk like some kind of paparazzi dick is kind of rude and super bad karma I'm guessing, so I needed to use the art of deception...
I pretended to be taking pictures of the bridge in the background... Then... All of a sudden "something went wrong" with my camera... I stood there with a puzzled look on my face, like a fart had just appeared in an empty room... Then, without looking at the monk, I snapped a picture... So... He would think that he walked through my bridge shot, HOWEVER, I really got the bastard right where I wanted him... Sorry monk but it's true...
The rest of that day was spent wandering around... Looking at things, staring at things, sometimes just a quick glance... After my massive walk back to Khao San from Wat Pho I was super tired... I got some pad thai, a few Changs and went back to my guest house...
The god damn Korean witch was outside on the patio...
"Hi!" she said as I walked past...
I looked at her...
"Uuugh, Hi" I said...
"Donuts, Monkey, Sand paper"... I said... And walked into my room...
That should keep her busy for a while...
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Hummus with Hamas and Pump Iron With Jim Jones
* * * Special Edition * * *
(NEW YORK, March 2 (API) -- Mosab Yousef, the son of the founder of the Hamas militant group, said he was a spy for Israel because he thinks Hamas "killed people for no reason."
In an exclusive interview with CNN to promote his book, "Son of Hamas," Yousef, now a resident of the United States and a Christian convert, said he spied for Israel after realizing Hamas practiced "exceptional cruelty" against its members.)
This would be just another news article that I don't care about, except for the fact that I know this guy...
Josef, as he called himself, got a job at the cafe where I worked about 3 months after I did... He seemed like a regular foreign guy, like a Borat type figure, but there were some things about him that struck me as odd... Like a camel wearing a top hat... He would go on and on about how the electric juicer was bad because it sent electric currents through the juice, "corrupting it" as he said... He would constantly badger other co-workers to buy marijuana, and then turn around and lecture them about the evils of drug use...
About 2 weeks into Josef's tenure at the cafe, myself and a female co worker were stocking the juice bar. You know, kiwi, carrots, celery, bananas... And here comes Josef... I remember he would always wear this skin tight Nike spandex workout shirt, I think he only had like one shirt or something. Wow, I was watching Fox News yesterday, and guess what, my man was on there, and you'd never guess what he was wearing...
Anyways, it was his day off mind you, and, sure enough, he was at work. He came behind the counter and started telling us how to stock the bar "his way".
"Bro, bro... You have to stock the bananas in the basket like this."... (He would always call everyone Bro)... "Dude, isn't it your day off?" I asked. "Bro, everyday is a work day". "Damn, you're a bosses dream bro." I said, I would always mimic him which he hated... Haha, bastard. Well as he's stocking the bananas he's taking the Chiquita stickers off of each one. "You starting a collection, bro." I ask. "Bro, the glue is very bad for your health, it creates free radicals."... Hmm I thought... So he has about 25 stickers all stuck to his shirt.
He all of a sudden gets this shit-eater grin on his face... He takes one of the stickers and puts it on my shoulder. "Thanks, bro" I say to him. He then walks over to my female co-worker and sticks a sticker right on her shirt where her nipple is. He proceeds to rub it.
"DUDE!" I say, "what the fuck?"
My co-worker was just standing there stunned with a look on her face like she smelled shit mixed with crazy glue... Her mouth wide open, she backs up, rips the sticker off of her shirt and throws it on the ground. He turns to me with a little kids smile. "What the fuck are you doing?" I say... "Josef... Josef, dude we don't do that in this country" I said. He looks at the girl, kind of shakes his head, and walks out of the cafe. "Are you OK?" I ask. "That is the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me, Josif is nuts..." She says.
About 2 weeks after the breast-rubbing incident, we got two new workers... These 2 girls were from Ireland, in America working for the summer... They seemed nice, but to Josef, these girls were fodder for his harem... "Bro"... "Bro, Bro", "Have you seen the new girls?"...
Now, Josef tried to portray himself as a super holy, nice guy... So when he talked about something less than holy, his voice would drop very low and he would get this creepy twang, like he was trying to give me a really good deal in a Turkish bazaar and he didn't want any of the other customers to hear... "These new girls, SO good bro. I think I'm going to get them." By "get them", Josef meant constantly harass them and finally grab one of their breasts while they were working together... For this, he got suspended for 5 days, just like in high school...
So just so we're clear - - - Rub a sticker on a tittie -> No punishment; Grab tittie -> 1 week vacation...
Around this time, "The Cult" started to make itself more and more known around the cafe... You see, my boss joined this new break-away Southern Baptist "church", founded by one of the trainers at my gym... Now my boss was an OK guy, not a dick, but not someone who I would want to hang out with... But the leader of this cult makes Jim Jones look like Jim Beam...
He is one of those guys that uses the power of the lord to work out and break barriers in life or some bull shit like that... He's your best friend... If you're in his "church", (let's say cult), but if you're not, then fuck you... I remember one time when he was in the cafe with his two kids, there was something on the TV about gay marriage and he started going off... "EEEWWWwwwwww, gross", "I can't listen to this stuff, those people aren't human..." Right in front of his kids and like 10 customers some of whom I'm sure were gay...
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't religious people, especially priests, supposed to be like tolerant and love their fellow man and stuff? Instead of immaturely slandering people and hating entire groups of people that you don't even know? I mean, that doesn't seem very "holy" to me...
So I come to learn, a few weeks later, that Josef is now a part of this little cult. "Great" I think, that's like mixing battery acid and piss, only more irritating to the eyes... Over the next month we get 3 new workers, all cult members. Now, at this time the cafe begins to take on a very different aura. I began to wonder why everyone of the new workers was so freaking weird, and no one seemed to realize it... It's so weird to me that some people stick together like the pages of a magazine underneath a 15 year old's mattress.
About a week went by without incident other than his incessant misaligned perfectionism and his "staring" problem... This guy could stare a hole in a fucking brick wall... But not like a pimp, lady-slaying stare, like a serial rapist outside-of-a-playground stare... Creepy...
One day, Josef was having an argument, about the evils of marijuana with another co-worker, who was more than likely stoned off of his ass... Stoney man says, "What the hell Josef, you bought a sack from me the other day..." (Which he did...) ... Josef started getting more and more heated and got this look in his eye like "Am I about to kill a mother fucker?"...
All of a sudden Josef picked up a huge meat cleaver, used to lop off coconut tops, and held it up to the other guy's head, inches from it... I stood there stunned, "Is this guy about to kill a mother fucker?" I wondered... I had never seen an argument escalate so quickly and have never seen anyone get threatened with a meat cleaver. They both stood there for about 15 seconds, "What are you going to do Josef, kill me?" Stoney man said... "You're not worth my time" I remember Josef saying... He put the meat cleaver on the ground and went about making a sandwich...
Wow, I thought, this fucking insane Arab just like almost killed someone... And no one seems to care... There were like 3 other people in the cafe, including the owner, and no one really seemed to mind that some crazy ass, unbeknownst to us Hamas double agent, almost lopped off some stoner's head for saying something that indeed happened...
In Josef's defense, he could make a mean hummus... Other than that, this guy is a compete tool.
Here's a link to a fox news story about him: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,475226,00.html
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
S.T.P. in Thailand -> Part 3
Walking around Khao San district that first night, I was in a daze... A hazy daze. I had a strange mixture of feelings running through my body, Tiredness, hunger, excitement, anxiety... They all flowed like soup running through a garden hose.
So I decided to do what any red blooded American would do in this situation, get drunk as fuck...
I sat down at this little outside restaurant next to a place called Shabad House...
I was wondering why there was so much security in front of this place and also why the security guards were all wearing yamakas... I would later come to learn that this place was a hotel only for Jewish people. Which offered very cheap rooms (haha, seriously), Kosher meals, heightened security and free calls to Israel... Seriously...
If there was going to be a terrorist attack anywhere in Thailand, this place or the American embassy would probably be on the top of the list, but oh well, the beers here were only a dollar here... If that's any consolation...
I wasn't sitting there long when I struck up a conversation with a dude sitting beside me. I can't remember his name right now, but I'm sure I will in a minute. He was a Scottish guy, drunk, sun burned, tattooed, loud... Good guy. Apparently it was his 8th time in Bangkok. After our second beer, this guy opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters... But only about crazy shit... He told me about all the ping-pong shows that he's been to. About how you have to tip the girls well or they'll throw bananas at you... Gross I know... Where to get the best massage... Where they sell "stuff"... Where to get the best food... Bla bla bla...
Tom was his name I think... Something like that...
After he spends like 45 minutes telling me about the craziest and nastiest shit, he tells me that he loves his girlfriend and would never cheat on her... Kind of like an "I did not have sexual relations with that women" moment... Sure Tom, sure...
But after a few rounds this guys was like, "Let's go to another bar, a good bar..."
Hmmmm... So... This guy's fucking insane, might do something crazy, Why not?
We walk down Khao San road to the Silk Bar...
This place was full of "people"... People with braids, white people with dread locks, people with bad tattoos, old dudes with Thai chicks, power drinkers and power hippies...
We order more beer and start talking to the 2 chicks to our right... Well, we were sitting across the table from one another so to my right and his left, technically...
"Hey girls, where are you lasses from?" He says. "I bet you're from Cambodia, I can tell you people apart around here"
"Ya..." They both say, obviously not very impressed...
"Rawwwrrrr, I'm a tiger, girls" this guy says, "Rawwwwrrrr" he says with a pawing motion...
Who the fuck is this guy I think? What a god damn psycho, unless these chicks buy it of course... Then at that point the thin line between James Mitchell and James Bond would be crossed...
"More like a pussy cat" the two maybe-Cambodian chicks say...
Seeing this guy strike out like a drunk Babe Ruth was more than I could bare...
"I need to get the fuck out of here man... I've got to throw up or eat or do something else... Jesus man, I have to go..." I remember saying... Just mention vomit, and people never question you I've learned...
When I got back to my guest house that night... I heard "it"... Korean...
"Anyanhaseo San Sang Neem..." (Hello, Teacher), said the man with the mustache that runs the quest house...
"...Hi" I say in a kind of blasé tone... I think I told him I was a teacher in Korea, but where did this Thai guy learn Korean?
"(Some shit in Korean that I don't understand)" He says.
"What?"
"These are from Korea, come sit"...
I see three Korean chicks sitting there all looking very Korean... Bags of random food on the table, bangs, reading glasses, soju...
I like how he said these, like he was talking about rocks or shirts or something...
Now, for the record, I love Koreans... But off the record... Coming to Thailand and hanging out with Koreans is like traveling from Mexico to Canada to get a burrito or traveling from Canada to Mexico to watch a fucking hockey game... Does that make me sound racist??? I hope not... Or do I???
So I sit down and pop open up a beer...
Of course, right away, I size the table up and put them in order of who's hottest... There's one that is obviously way hotter than the other two... With the remaining other 2, one is drunker than the other, but she kind of has a sketchily round face, while the other is more sober but has sketchy glasses that remind me of Ted Khazinski...
"What do you guys do?" I ask... Again, blasé...
"We are teachers" the "hot" one says.
"Really, I'm a teacher too... Where do you teach?"
"Korea"
(No fucking shit) I think...
"What part?" I ask.
"Suohool"...
Koreans have a funny way of pronouncing Seoul. Or maybe foreigners have a funny way of pronouncing it and we just are dicks... But Koreans say "Sa-Uh-Oh-Oo-El"... I don't know why I just wrote that, it's not really that interesting but I find it unique...
"Ahhhhuuuuuurr, what do you teach?" the second hottest one asks...
She really made a sound like that, like a low metallic gurgle really.
"Well... ... ... Do you guys know any drinking games?" I ask...
"Yes! Do you want to play 3?"
"What's that?" I ask... Blasé as ever...
She goes on to explain some random game that had to do with math and adding or subtracting or something... Not doing much for the stereotype, I thought...
"Ok, let's play, sounds great" I say, not knowing how to play...
I guess you start at 1 and count around the table and every time someone says 3 you clap... I don't even know what to say about it.
Another 2 Korean girls walk down the crappy wooden stairs from their room...
"Hey, come and join us" I say, I mean, why the fuck not right?
So there I am, myself and 5 Korean chicks. Getting eaten alive by mosquitoes and listening to these chicks assuredly talk about me in a language that I don't understand...
"Do you like Korean rice or Thai rice better?" The 3rd hottest one at the table asks me...
Sweet Jesus I though, I need to get out of here...
"You guys want to go to a bar?"
"Sure" the 2 new K's reply...
"We have to go to bed" The first 3 K's say...
Good, I thought... "Awww" I say, "I'll see you tomorrow?"
These 2 new girls were pretty chill and drinking like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas...
Excellent I think...
Excellent...
So we walk back to the bar next to the Shabad house, sit down and order some beer and food...
We're having a good time, chopping it up and having surprisingly interesting conversation considering... Then...
"I'm a Korean witch" one of the girls says...
"...What?" Maybe she mistranslated that I thought...
"I'm a witch, like magic, you know"...
And then the other foot drops... This chick IS different from other Korean people, in fact, she's fucking crazy... Not crazy like girls gone wild crazy, but like padded room crazy...
"Really, so do you fly around on brooms and stuff?" I ask, quickly looking around for the nearest exit...
"I do Tarot cards, I can tell your future and tell what you thinking..."
I started thinking about random shit to block her view into my minds eye... Adult diapers... Horse... Basketball... Vampire Hooker...
Hmmmm I think... Is this bitch going to kill me?
Just then we were accosted by like 3 different old Thai ladies selling stuff... Thank god... She won't kill me in front of all these people... Will she?
In Thailand, about every 5 feet someone's trying to sell you something... Huge foot long lighters, some kind of hat, fake Louis Vuitton cigarette cases, suits... All crap... But the thing is, most of these people have the same shit... You think they'd diversify... Like Shaky the Bum always told me outside of the Economics building in college, "Nigga, you need to diversify yo shit..." Then he'd start laughing... Ahh Shaky... You know, now that I think about it, it's kind of creepy...
Anyway... So we're sitting there and this kid comes up to us... Some poor street kid begging for money... I'm about to backhand him when both of the Korean babes are like, "How cute, come here sweetie, are you hungry?"
These girls start spoon feeding this kid shrimp fried rice, from the same spoon that they were using! "How is it, are you hungry?" Bla bla bla... I have to admit, the caring aspect was kind of cute, but... Then they start using the same spoon again!
They're looking at me smiling, chomping shrimp fried rice, looking at him, caressing his face, looking at me and smiling... And the entire time I'm sitting there with the look on my face of a rat trying to figure out if someone has farted...
"You pay now!" I hear all of a sudden...
"You pay now!" This kind of feminine person says...
"What time do you guys close?" I ask he/she...
"We open 24 hours, you pay now"...
What the fuck is this person's problem I wonder? But, I could hardly fucking care... I mean, ya, I didn't care... At this point I'm like screw you guys, I'm going home... We pay our tab and start on the 15 minute walk back to the guest house...
So were walking back and the Korean witch grabs my hand... Maybe she's just drunk I thought... I mean, way too drunk to ride her broom home, I'll help steady her and stuff... We're at this red light waiting for it to change, and I get "the look"... This bitch wanted to make out... Visions of little street kids, half digested shrimp fried rice, children eating garbage, dirty diapers, magik and urinal cakes raced through my mind... I've never disgusted myself that much before... Well, Ok second time...
I panic... If I kiss this chick, I might as well kiss every street kid in this god damn town... Plus, she's a non-hot Korean witch... What would my mom say?
So I started coughing... And coughing and coughing... Deep repelling coughs... Super deep loin popping, Korean witch repelling coughs...
Back at the guest house... The Korean witch gives me a hug...
"Tomorrow I'll read your Tarot, she'll say good things about you i think"
"She?" I ask, very scared at this point...
"Yes, the spirit is a female..."
(Wow, I think, Wow... This chick is going to be wearing my skin as a hat tomorrow if I don't protect myself...)
"Oh cool, sounds great... Night..." I say, kind of with my hands up to deflect any sudden jabs or slaps... I slowly back away and slam the door to my room... I open the huge padlock on my door and immediately lock all of the 3 locks on the door, I think about moving the shelves against the door to protect against any night attacks, but instead I climb under the mosquito net and immediately pass out...
Next -> Thailand Part 4 - (Insert Random Title Here)
So I decided to do what any red blooded American would do in this situation, get drunk as fuck...
I sat down at this little outside restaurant next to a place called Shabad House...
I was wondering why there was so much security in front of this place and also why the security guards were all wearing yamakas... I would later come to learn that this place was a hotel only for Jewish people. Which offered very cheap rooms (haha, seriously), Kosher meals, heightened security and free calls to Israel... Seriously...
If there was going to be a terrorist attack anywhere in Thailand, this place or the American embassy would probably be on the top of the list, but oh well, the beers here were only a dollar here... If that's any consolation...
I wasn't sitting there long when I struck up a conversation with a dude sitting beside me. I can't remember his name right now, but I'm sure I will in a minute. He was a Scottish guy, drunk, sun burned, tattooed, loud... Good guy. Apparently it was his 8th time in Bangkok. After our second beer, this guy opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters... But only about crazy shit... He told me about all the ping-pong shows that he's been to. About how you have to tip the girls well or they'll throw bananas at you... Gross I know... Where to get the best massage... Where they sell "stuff"... Where to get the best food... Bla bla bla...
Tom was his name I think... Something like that...
After he spends like 45 minutes telling me about the craziest and nastiest shit, he tells me that he loves his girlfriend and would never cheat on her... Kind of like an "I did not have sexual relations with that women" moment... Sure Tom, sure...
But after a few rounds this guys was like, "Let's go to another bar, a good bar..."
Hmmmm... So... This guy's fucking insane, might do something crazy, Why not?
We walk down Khao San road to the Silk Bar...
This place was full of "people"... People with braids, white people with dread locks, people with bad tattoos, old dudes with Thai chicks, power drinkers and power hippies...
We order more beer and start talking to the 2 chicks to our right... Well, we were sitting across the table from one another so to my right and his left, technically...
"Hey girls, where are you lasses from?" He says. "I bet you're from Cambodia, I can tell you people apart around here"
"Ya..." They both say, obviously not very impressed...
"Rawwwrrrr, I'm a tiger, girls" this guy says, "Rawwwwrrrr" he says with a pawing motion...
Who the fuck is this guy I think? What a god damn psycho, unless these chicks buy it of course... Then at that point the thin line between James Mitchell and James Bond would be crossed...
"More like a pussy cat" the two maybe-Cambodian chicks say...
Seeing this guy strike out like a drunk Babe Ruth was more than I could bare...
"I need to get the fuck out of here man... I've got to throw up or eat or do something else... Jesus man, I have to go..." I remember saying... Just mention vomit, and people never question you I've learned...
When I got back to my guest house that night... I heard "it"... Korean...
"Anyanhaseo San Sang Neem..." (Hello, Teacher), said the man with the mustache that runs the quest house...
"...Hi" I say in a kind of blasé tone... I think I told him I was a teacher in Korea, but where did this Thai guy learn Korean?
"(Some shit in Korean that I don't understand)" He says.
"What?"
"These are from Korea, come sit"...
I see three Korean chicks sitting there all looking very Korean... Bags of random food on the table, bangs, reading glasses, soju...
I like how he said these, like he was talking about rocks or shirts or something...
Now, for the record, I love Koreans... But off the record... Coming to Thailand and hanging out with Koreans is like traveling from Mexico to Canada to get a burrito or traveling from Canada to Mexico to watch a fucking hockey game... Does that make me sound racist??? I hope not... Or do I???
So I sit down and pop open up a beer...
Of course, right away, I size the table up and put them in order of who's hottest... There's one that is obviously way hotter than the other two... With the remaining other 2, one is drunker than the other, but she kind of has a sketchily round face, while the other is more sober but has sketchy glasses that remind me of Ted Khazinski...
"What do you guys do?" I ask... Again, blasé...
"We are teachers" the "hot" one says.
"Really, I'm a teacher too... Where do you teach?"
"Korea"
(No fucking shit) I think...
"What part?" I ask.
"Suohool"...
Koreans have a funny way of pronouncing Seoul. Or maybe foreigners have a funny way of pronouncing it and we just are dicks... But Koreans say "Sa-Uh-Oh-Oo-El"... I don't know why I just wrote that, it's not really that interesting but I find it unique...
"Ahhhhuuuuuurr, what do you teach?" the second hottest one asks...
She really made a sound like that, like a low metallic gurgle really.
"Well... ... ... Do you guys know any drinking games?" I ask...
"Yes! Do you want to play 3?"
"What's that?" I ask... Blasé as ever...
She goes on to explain some random game that had to do with math and adding or subtracting or something... Not doing much for the stereotype, I thought...
"Ok, let's play, sounds great" I say, not knowing how to play...
I guess you start at 1 and count around the table and every time someone says 3 you clap... I don't even know what to say about it.
Another 2 Korean girls walk down the crappy wooden stairs from their room...
"Hey, come and join us" I say, I mean, why the fuck not right?
So there I am, myself and 5 Korean chicks. Getting eaten alive by mosquitoes and listening to these chicks assuredly talk about me in a language that I don't understand...
"Do you like Korean rice or Thai rice better?" The 3rd hottest one at the table asks me...
Sweet Jesus I though, I need to get out of here...
"You guys want to go to a bar?"
"Sure" the 2 new K's reply...
"We have to go to bed" The first 3 K's say...
Good, I thought... "Awww" I say, "I'll see you tomorrow?"
These 2 new girls were pretty chill and drinking like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas...
Excellent I think...
Excellent...
So we walk back to the bar next to the Shabad house, sit down and order some beer and food...
We're having a good time, chopping it up and having surprisingly interesting conversation considering... Then...
"I'm a Korean witch" one of the girls says...
"...What?" Maybe she mistranslated that I thought...
"I'm a witch, like magic, you know"...
And then the other foot drops... This chick IS different from other Korean people, in fact, she's fucking crazy... Not crazy like girls gone wild crazy, but like padded room crazy...
"Really, so do you fly around on brooms and stuff?" I ask, quickly looking around for the nearest exit...
"I do Tarot cards, I can tell your future and tell what you thinking..."
I started thinking about random shit to block her view into my minds eye... Adult diapers... Horse... Basketball... Vampire Hooker...
Hmmmm I think... Is this bitch going to kill me?
Just then we were accosted by like 3 different old Thai ladies selling stuff... Thank god... She won't kill me in front of all these people... Will she?
In Thailand, about every 5 feet someone's trying to sell you something... Huge foot long lighters, some kind of hat, fake Louis Vuitton cigarette cases, suits... All crap... But the thing is, most of these people have the same shit... You think they'd diversify... Like Shaky the Bum always told me outside of the Economics building in college, "Nigga, you need to diversify yo shit..." Then he'd start laughing... Ahh Shaky... You know, now that I think about it, it's kind of creepy...
Anyway... So we're sitting there and this kid comes up to us... Some poor street kid begging for money... I'm about to backhand him when both of the Korean babes are like, "How cute, come here sweetie, are you hungry?"
These girls start spoon feeding this kid shrimp fried rice, from the same spoon that they were using! "How is it, are you hungry?" Bla bla bla... I have to admit, the caring aspect was kind of cute, but... Then they start using the same spoon again!
They're looking at me smiling, chomping shrimp fried rice, looking at him, caressing his face, looking at me and smiling... And the entire time I'm sitting there with the look on my face of a rat trying to figure out if someone has farted...
"You pay now!" I hear all of a sudden...
"You pay now!" This kind of feminine person says...
"What time do you guys close?" I ask he/she...
"We open 24 hours, you pay now"...
What the fuck is this person's problem I wonder? But, I could hardly fucking care... I mean, ya, I didn't care... At this point I'm like screw you guys, I'm going home... We pay our tab and start on the 15 minute walk back to the guest house...
So were walking back and the Korean witch grabs my hand... Maybe she's just drunk I thought... I mean, way too drunk to ride her broom home, I'll help steady her and stuff... We're at this red light waiting for it to change, and I get "the look"... This bitch wanted to make out... Visions of little street kids, half digested shrimp fried rice, children eating garbage, dirty diapers, magik and urinal cakes raced through my mind... I've never disgusted myself that much before... Well, Ok second time...
I panic... If I kiss this chick, I might as well kiss every street kid in this god damn town... Plus, she's a non-hot Korean witch... What would my mom say?
So I started coughing... And coughing and coughing... Deep repelling coughs... Super deep loin popping, Korean witch repelling coughs...
Back at the guest house... The Korean witch gives me a hug...
"Tomorrow I'll read your Tarot, she'll say good things about you i think"
"She?" I ask, very scared at this point...
"Yes, the spirit is a female..."
(Wow, I think, Wow... This chick is going to be wearing my skin as a hat tomorrow if I don't protect myself...)
"Oh cool, sounds great... Night..." I say, kind of with my hands up to deflect any sudden jabs or slaps... I slowly back away and slam the door to my room... I open the huge padlock on my door and immediately lock all of the 3 locks on the door, I think about moving the shelves against the door to protect against any night attacks, but instead I climb under the mosquito net and immediately pass out...
Next -> Thailand Part 4 - (Insert Random Title Here)
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