So I'm a new teacher right. And as a teacher I like to think of creative and fun ways to teach my students. Because I always looked at some of my classes when I was in school as incredibly boring and laborious, I feel that I need to take a different approach... As Carl Jung once said, "One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feelings. The curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child." So over the past few months I have come up with interesting and exciting ways to help children understand and enjoy learning... I have compiled this guide to help new teachers... Enjoy!
Teaching Through Music.
One way of teaching children is to have them listen to a popular English song and have them try to fill in missing lyrics... This activity teaches listening, writing and comprehension skills.
I like big _____ and I can not lie You other brothers can't deny That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty _______ And a round thing in your _______ You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough 'Cause you notice that _______ was stuffed Deep in the jeans she's wearing I'm hooked and I can't stop staring Oh baby, I wanna get with you And take your picture My homeboys tried to warn me But that _______ you got makes me so horny Ooh, _______ -o'-smooth-skin You say you wanna get in my Benz? Well, use me, use me 'Cause you ain't that average groupie I've seen them dancin' To hell with romancin' She's sweat, wet, Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette I'm tired of magazines Sayin' flat _______ are the thing Take the average black man and ask him that She gotta pack much _______ So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!) Has your girlfriend got the _______? (Hell yeah!) Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!) Shake that healthy _______! Baby got _______! (LA face with a Oakland _______) Baby got _______!
... Very fun, right?... This is a great way to help children understand the middle anatomy...
Teaching about different cultures. Sometimes a fun PowerPoint or slide show can help children learn about and understand another culture... America:
American women are very modest and kind.
American men are passionate about responsible and moral leadership.
The American Flag is a symbol of freedom and peace.
Americans are very industrious.
Americans enjoy peaceful and intelligent debate.
American families enjoy being active in the outdoors.
In America, different races coexist peacefully and enjoy spending time with each other.
Mexico.
Mexico is a very safe country with little crime.
South Africa.
South African's live in harmony with each other. South America. South America has many lush rain forests.
South Americans enjoy nature.
South America exports many important and useful products.
China. The Chinese always give their fellow countrymen a hand.
Word Games.
Sometime a great way to help students learn is through the use of word games. Such as...
De-scramble the word:
1 - uckf fof
2 - usck ym ssa
Fill in the blank:
1 - You are an _____ hole.
2 - Let's go behind that dumpster and _______.
3 - I was so _______ last night, I can't believe I did THAT.
4 - Whenever I smoke ________, I pass out.
5 - I only tried _______ once, because I don't like needles.
Student Well-Being. Students should be encouraged to make smart choices about the foods they eat. Eating a healthy diet will help a student become healthy and ready to learn. Students should be encouraged to wear professional and appropriate attire to school in order to create a healthy academic setting.
Fun Activities.
Physical Education... Being active and fit is the cornerstone of learning. A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Student's must be allowed to interact with other student in order to discuss current issues.
Teacher's must use creative and high-tech tools in order to engage student's curiosity and encourage them to dream about the future.
A field trip can be a fun and exciting way to show students the "real world".
I hope this guide has helped! The young minds of the world are so precious and deserve the best teachers possible. I believe that through the methods listed above our youth can achieve greatness never before thought possible. As John W. Whitehead once said, "Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see."
There's obviously the general stuff like bears, midgets, beer goggles, spiders, bums, Texans... The list is endless. I mean fear is a natural human instinct put in place to save us from shit that's bad, right? But one thing I've noticed during my short time here in Korea is that these people are scared of the weirdest stuff possible. First on the list...
Fans.
In Korea, 팬 죽음, aka Fan Death is a super real problem. Fan death is the belief that if a fan is left running in a room while a person is sleeping, said person will be dead by morning. According to The Korea Consumer Protection Board, a government funded agency, "asphyxiation from electric fans and air conditioners is among South Korea's five most common accidents or injuries"... According to data they collected... When I got to my apartment on the first day, along with showing me the rice cooker and the... other rice cooker my co-teacher made a point to show me the timer on the fan. ALL fans and air conditioners manufactured or sold in South Korea come with a timer switch, shutting that fucking death instrument off before the... haha... Shit hits the fan...
But how does a fan kill you? I've heard several theories so far as to how Fan Death works...
1 - Electric fans create a super powerful vortex that creates a vacuum inside a room which sucks in all the oxygen and kills the poor sap inside.
Alex's Verdict: I think this defies the laws of physics... And it just sounds like a college freshman trying to use words he learned in beginning physics...
2 - The electric fan uses up all the oxygen in the room and, again, suffocates the poor mother fucker inside.
Alex's Verdict: Ok, electric fans run on electricity, not oxygen. Unless you have a fan with a combustion engine, this will not happen...
3 - Electric fans chop up the oxygen molecules into super tiny pieces, leaving them too small to breath, and the person in the room suffocates and dies.
Alex's Verdict: This sounds like fucking bull shit. Not only does this violate the law of mass conservation but it, also, just sounds fucking retarded.
4 - The South Korean government started the rumor in order to get people to turn off their damn fans and save energy.
Alex's Verdict: Damn, that sounds pretty plausible.
Next on the List...
North Korea.
Before I came to Korea, everyone was always asking me, "Aren't you scared of North Korea???" Well... No... North Korea is a joke. I mean, they don't even have the internet there! (Separated at Birth?)
What? They DO have internet there... Are you sure??? Oh fuck... But they don't even have food...
(Quick google search...)
So they DO have internet? Fuck...
But this is interesting... Let's explore a little bit...
:::::Special Side Topic:::::
Computing, North Korean Style.
Computing in North Korea, just like the rest of their whole fucking infrastructure, is like a 1 legged dog with heart disease... Completely fucked...
The computing age came to Korea in the late 70's. The UN came into North Korea and helped them build a little plant that would have the capacity to produce processors and other computer stuff. But those feisty North Koreans, surprisingly, gave the UN the shittiest materials to build the damn thing and hired people from such computer savvy places as Eritrea and other fabulous lands to run it...
So fast forward 15 years later...
The damn plant was finally fully functional... Like the death star, but if the death star was made with wood and tape and shit like that...
Throughout the 90's, according to a Korea Times article, North Korea produced about 20,000 computers. Enough to satisfy their military needs and bring some much needed export cash to the fucking train crash of a country. According to the same article over 60% of the computers were exported to China.
Those bumbling North Koreans even managed to developed their own software! One masterpiece was a word processor that had a pretty sweet function... It could automatically insert the names of the "Great Leader" and "Dear Leader" through a specially designated hot key.
So if you wanted to write, say, Kim Jong Il sucks balls, you just press F7 and write "sucks balls" and BAM... There it is! It has been reported a few times that Kim Jong Il himself loves to surf the net. In 2001 he even asked sexy U.S. Secretary of State Madeline Albright for her e-mail address!
According to Reporters Without Borders, Internet access is illegal in North Korea. Very few government elite (Maybe 300 or so total) have access to the internet through a secret Chinese connection... Foreign embassies are allowed to have internet access but they have to pay by the minute, $2 a minute (Those are Vegas prices!) Also, they have to have all internet connections set up in guarded rooms where all North Korean citizens are forbidden to go... Bad times... Where do North Korean's get their porn???
:::::End Special Side Topic::::::
Ok, what were we talking about? Ah yes, Fears... So North Korea...
I was talking to a South Korean about a week ago about North Korea. I asked him what he was taught in school and by his parents about his neighbor to the north. He told me that South Koreans feel sorry for the North Koreans. They don't see them as a threat and believe that through peaceful dialogue and diplomatic relations they can eventually become one happy nation...
I'm not sure if this guy was a fucking Pollyanna or something but I guess it could be true. I mean, ya... I guess North Korea is like Scientology or any other fucking cult... I mean John Travolta, Tom Cruise and Kim Jong Il probably know that the whole thing is full of shit, but if the majority of people think it's all good, then by fuck, it's all good... For them...
Next up...
Speaking English.
When I first got to my school I thought everyone was a dick. They wouldn't even talk to me! Well my co-teachers did, but one of them seemed pretty standoffish.
Side note:
I'm going to start a little fish restaurant called standoffish... Get it? Stand of fish? Stand of fish! Like it's a stand that sells fish... That's gold! (Not Funny)
End side note...
In Korea people are super scared to speak English, especially to an English teacher like myself. I mean, I speak a little Spanish, mainly food and cuss words, but I'm still super stoked to speak Spanish to anyone, even if I butcher the hell out of it. In Korea people are super modest and like to make is seem that they're not better than anyone and suck at things they're actually pretty good at... The exact opposite of America... And that modesty can sometimes make people act shy and like dicks... When they're really not. Back in the USA, people like to do things they suck at. (No that's not a correct sentence... Mrs. Roza always told me not to end a sentence in a preposition... So it's In the USA, people like to suck things they like to do? No that sounds dirty...Ok... I got it) Back in the USA, people like to do things at which they suck... Nice... In order to get better at them... It's like a watch maker wanting to become a championship watch maker... He has to make ton's of shitty watches that only Mexicans and Canadians would wear before he makes that one championship watch... Kind of like practice makes perfect, right?
Next on the List...
Swine Flu.
Ok... This is understandable at first, right. Swine flu... OHHHH... It sounds fucking scary. When I think swine I think of stinky spam, Richard Nixon and my 6th grade teacher. But, Isn't an epidemic disease supposed to be like super deadly or something? I want my epidemics to fucking kill people if they even think about them... Like the plague, THAT was an epidemic... Doesn't it seems like every year there is a different "epidemic" disease that is a combination of a regular ass animal and a random minor illness? Remember bird flu? Mad Cow Disease? Now swine flu... What's next? Penguin Skin? Hamster Hands? Feline Cold? Squirrel cough?
Side note:
I wonder if animals in different countries speak different languages and have different customs. Like if you take a bird from Korea and a bird from the USA, could they communicate? Or if 2 dragon flies from different countries could, you know, fly together.
End side note...
But seriously... The Typhoid Mary of swine flu, some little Mexican boy, is fucking fine! Oh look how cute... I mean, this kid lives in Mexico too... And HE recovered in like a week...
Let's break this down by the numbers... (Oh my god, my third grade teacher WAS right, I will need math!!)
According to CDC data, as of September 25th, there have been 15,078 cases of swine flu confirmed in South Korea. Of those a whopping 25 have died... (let me see, carry the 2...) That's 0.00165%... WOW...
So in a country of roughly 50 million people you have a .0003015% chance of getting swine flu and an astronomical .0000005% chance of dieing from it! Whatch out motha fuckaz!!!
Last year in Korea iron deficiency anemia, syphilis, falls, drowning and suicide each killed more Koreans than swine flu... So I guess you're more likely to kill your damn self than to be killed by swine flu... Holy crap...
And syphilis? Wouldn't is suck to die from syphilis? But hey, I mean, it doesn't even have any symptoms...So... I guess no one cares if the invisible man comes to dinner, right?
I consider myself to be somewhat adventurous and daring... I mean, I eat food that falls on the floor (in most cases)... I wear the same underwear for days, even weeks, on end... I hit the snooze button at least 5 times a day before school, dangerously treading the line between fashionably late and miserably tardy. And I also challenge my iron stomach to fantastic feats that would make a Rwandan billy goat stand in Awe...
Fried caterpillar larva, Korean street food, Mexican taco wagons... All of these things could kill an elephant on any given day... But I'm still standing, I'm still strong... So, like a drunken George W. Bush at a backwoods card game in 1980's Texas, I decided to double down... I mean what do I have to lose, right?
This week I set out to confirm or deny one of the biggest stereotypes of Asian culture that I've found in America... Whether Koreans REALLY eat dogs...
(Little snack before class...)
I mean, what's wrong with eating a dog, really? They do look pretty delicious, don't they? I think, in fact, that dog is far superior to many other popular meat choices. Dogs are like turkeys, only better! With 4 legs instead of 2 it's like getting 100% more leg meat free... Which is awesome because the leg is the most delicious part... Dogs are like Deer, except safer! I mean, they don't have antlers so they're a lot less dangerous to hunt... Dogs are like cows, only way better... Dogs live very cushy lives, their meat is probably super tender and savory, like veal. Furthermore, dog's cushy lifestyles make them less susceptible to disease and other stuff like that, probably...
I think the main problem people have with eating dogs is that some bleeding hearts think that they're cute or human companions... Or those same bleeding hearts just give dog's human characteristics that simply aren't there...
Side note:
How the fuck can a dog be depressed??? I was reading yesterday that the former president of France, Baguette? Cigarette? Chirac? or something, had to give his dog away recently because it was depressed and attacking him... Really? This morceau de merde ran a country (Granted it was France, how hard can THAT be...) and he can't control his little white fucking poodle? And furthermore, he didn't want to spend any more money on his dog psychiatrist... A DOG PSYCHIATRIST... Ok that's it... A FUCKING DOG PSYCHIATRIST... These rich people have finally lost it. At least Rasputin claimed to help actual people!.. So... I have an idea, Why couldn't they just have ate the damn thing, end of story... I'm sure with some sage, rosemary and garlic (Is that the Simon and Garfunkel song?) it would have gone well with some fava beans a nice Chianti... Slurp slurp slurp...
End Side Note:
On the street in Korea:
Selling dog meat in Korea was made illegal in 1984... It's legally classified as a, 혐오식품, translating into 'Hatred foodstuffs'. This means that it is not sanitary to use as a food ingredient and legally cannot be served in a restaurant. But, just like pot in Amsterdam, just because it's illegal, doesn't mean the there isn't a thriving industry... In fact, cooked dogs are sold right on the street in some parts of Korea... According to the Korea Times in a 2009 article, over 9,000 tons of dog meat is consumed each year in Korea.
Side Note:
I wonder... If you don't finish your meal, do they give you a doggy bag? (Not Funny)
End Side Note: (Look at that jacket) Dogs have been consumed all over the world since the times of antiquity... Do you really think that a hungry ass caveman would look at his dog and NOT see a dinner??? And besides, it's not like people are stealing fluffy poodles out of penthouses... The dogs that people eat are a different breed of dog, called Nureongi. I'm sure there not very friendly and actually probably quite mean, while at the same time being exceptionally delicious. I've heard that they usually have a problem with authority and ALWAYS vote republican.
In Korea dog's aren't just served steak style, there are other uses for them. Dog extract... I'm not sure what the fuck dog extract is or how the fuck dog extract comes into existence, but it is used in a drink called gaesoju. It is supposed to help with male virility and to support the metabolism. Which sounds... Ya... it sounds gross but hey, who am I to say anything negative...
Side Note:
I wonder if Chihuahua is considered Mexican food? (Not Funny)
End Side Note:
The matter of doggies for dinner is super sketchy in Korea. Koreans see it as embarrassing that the rest of the world sees their lunch as barbaric. Some Koreans believe that this issue alone will keep their country from becoming a first world elite. I think this is partially to blame for the over-pampering of dogs that can be seen everywhere now in Korea.
These god damn things are like little babies to some people. I was in a restaurant the other day and this women was feeding her dog, which was in a Louis Vuitton dog bag, right from the table. Other people take their dogs to super expensive and posh doggy/human salons where the owner and dog can get a cut, clip and dye job right next to each other. So I guess if you're a dog in Korea it's either the best of times or the worst of times. So I wanted to try some doggy first hand. But how the fuck do I ask someone where I could get some dog without looking like a god damn psycho... So I decided to take what I've learned from Colombo and David Caruso and get some damn answers. So I approached a co-worker with the question, "Hey, I really want to try some different foods here in Korea, where is a good place to go..." They babbled on and on about some bullshit that I didn't care about... So I was like... "Are there any foods that people only eat in Korea?"... More bla bla bla... Ok, Caruso, make your move... "I've heard that people eat all kinds of animals here, what do you think?" Still, no dog talk... Ok Colombo, you're up... So I said, "Remind me, I heard someone say that they once saw something that looked like pig or goat, but wasn't, what could it have been?"... Bingo
This person gave me the standard, "Oh it's bad and dirty, not sanitary"... According to the Korea Times, only like 20% of Koreans have munched on a puppy and more than half of Koreans believe the practice to be wrong...
So I was like, "That IS terrible, oh my god!... Where can I see it, you know, just so I know how bad it is..." (Haha, they're falling right into my trap!)
"Only in the country, like in Gunsan"
Bingo!!! I had my answer... But this place is like 2 hours away from my house, so it'll have to wait for another day... No special trips for that... Imagine the burps on the way back on the bus...
I think this whole issue is blown way out of proportion by a super minority of rich women and emasculated men who have nothing better to do and don't realize that there's real problems in this world. Will Korea reach the 1st world elite, even if they continue their canine munching ways, YES... Anyone who say's otherwise is a fucking douchbag.
So it IS true, Korean's do eat dogs, but not many, and it's mainly the older people and the country folk... And it is a very hot button issue. Many, inside and outside of Korea, see this practice as barbaric and unsanitary. While others see it as part of a heritage and lifestyle that shouldn't be curbed to simply appease "Culinary Imperialists". And how do I see it? Well, I'm down to try anything once... Except crack...
No, I'm not going to bang an intern... It's time for my first ever Korean Top Ten List! But since I've only been here in Korea like a month and change, it's going to be a top five list...
Enjoy!
Top Five English Phrase Shirts Worn By 5th and 6th Students Who Don't Speak English Very Well:
5 - Photo Studio = Naked Pictures 4 - U Bring The Ass 3 - #1 Shit 2 - An Oily Substance 1 - This is just to let you know that later I'll be FUCKING!
Top Five Things Overheard Being Said by Students:
5 - FUCK!!!! 4 - Urine Juice 3 - (Some crazy shit in Korean) 2 - Teacher, What is Shit? 1 - (EDITED)
Top Five Things about Korea:
5 - All-Girl Korean Punk Bands 4 - Drinking wherever the fuck you want! 3 - Dok-Galbi 2 - Korean babes! 1 - Soju! Soju! Soju!
Bottom Five Things about Korea:
5 - All these damn "Chinese" people... 4 - People hawking fat loogies everywhere 3 - The car with the loudspeaker, like in the Blues Brothers, that drives by my apartment at 8am advertising something in Korean 2 - Constant manic fear of swine flu 1 - Foreign English Teachers...
Top Five Compliments Given to Me in Korea:
5 - Sooooooooo Handsome 4 - You is Masculine 3 - Your arms are furry and beautiful! 2 - You look like Bruce Willis! 1 - You have a very majestic nose!
Top Five Korean Beers:
5 - Hite 4 - OB 3 - Max 2 - Cass 1 - Black Beer
Bottom Five Korean Beers:
5 - Black Beer 4 - Cass 3 - Max 2 - OB 1 - Hite
Top Five Stereotypes about Koreans that are True:
5 - Rice is Life! 4 - They Eat Dogs... 3 - Koreans eat Kim-Chi like it's fucking going extinct 2 - Korean people say Lice when they mean Rice 1 - They can't drive for shit
Top Five Types of Foreign English Teachers:
5 - The Adventure Seeker 4 - The Old Person Who Has Been Teaching For Like 90 Years 3 - The Super Richter Alcoholic 2 - The Person Who Doesn't Fit In Back In Their Homeland 1 - (tie) The Super Hard-Core Christian / Closet Homo
Top Five K-Pop Artists:
5 - Baek Ji-Young Lee Su Wang Ho Yu Long 4 - That one Korean chick... 3 - G-Dragon 2 - 2NE1 1 - Rain!
Top Five Ways to Punish Students, Without Hitting Them:
5 - Tell them you're going to kill their parents 4 - Make them do Jumping jacks, a shitload of jumping jacks... 3 - Make them speak in front of the class 2 - Eat food in front of them, make them clean up the mess 1 - Public Ridicule!!!
Top Five Ways to get Koreans to Like You:
5 - Compliments! Compliments! Compliments! 4 - Buy them Soju 3 - Eat a ton of Kim-Chi while crying and saying, "Where has this been all my life?!" 2 - Russian Dancing!!! 1 - Tell them, "Korea #1, USA #2"
Top Five Korean Names:
5 - Fa Qu 4 - Suk Mi 3 - Wat Mi-Wury 2 - Gi Yu-Fat 1 - Won Hung-Lo
5 - Whatever that shit was that they served today at my school... 4 - Dog Soup 3 - Dried Squid Tentacles 2 - Kim-Chi 1 - Fried Caterpillar Larve
Top Five Ways to Get A Seat on the Subway:
5 - Sneeze, Oink, Sneeze... Repeat 4 - "Forget" your pants 3 - Whip out "The Captain" 2 - Sit on Someone's Lap 1 - Kim Jong Ill Mask!
Top Five Ways to Pick Up Korean Babes:
5 - Tell them you're from America 4 - Bear Ear Ear Muffs! 3 - (tie) Buy them a Chanel Purse / Tell them you love them 2 - (tie) Speak Broken Korean / Laugh at their stupid jokes 1 - Soju! Soju! Soju!
Top Five Things to do in Korea:
5 - (tie) Go Hiking / Get Drunk 4 - Kim-Chi eating contest!!! 3 - Pretend you speak Korean, approach babes 2 - Spend all this monopoly money they give you here 1 - Pretend you have swine flu
I've heard the phrase Love/Hate relationship... I guess I know what it means...
It's like when you like some things about something but hate other things about that same thing, or something?
Well I've compiled a list of things that I love and things that I hate about Korea... I'm going to do this in a style called a Complement Sandwich... I'm going to say something I like about it, then something I hate, then, sure enough, something I like...
You know what I like?
Korean Pop songs sung by hottie Korean chicks.
You know what I hate?
Korean pop songs sung by Korean dudes.
But, You know what I like?
Korean pop songs that have a good beat and make me think about hot Korean babes.
You know what I like?
The fact that Korean beer is super cheap.
You know what I hate?
The taste of Korean beer.
But, You know what I like?
The fact that Korean beer has alcohol.
You know what I like?
Korean Food.
You know what I hate?
Korean Food that has random animal parts in it.
But, You know what I like?
That hot peppers and good sauces drown out the taste of random animal parts.
You know what I like?
Working at my school.
You know what I hate?
That there's kids at my school.
But, You know what I like?
That most of the kids are super nice and chill.
You know what I like?
Having my own apartment.
You know what I hate?
That my apartment is super small.
But, You know what I like?
Having my own apartment.
You know what I like?
Only having to work 22 hours a week.
You know what I hate?
Having to work 22 hours a week.
But, You know what I like?
Having an easy job with cool people and getting paid more than I think I should.
You know what I like?
Meeting cool people from all over the world.
You know what I hate?
Meeting psychos from all over the world.
But, You know what I like?
That I'm not Canadian.
You know what I like?
Korean Reggae
You know what I hate?
Korean Country
But, You know what I like?
Korean Techno
You know what I like?
Paying $7 a month for my cellphone.
You know what I hate?
Random wrong number calls from Korean people.
But, You know what I like?
Watching TV on my cell phone.
You know what I like?
That giving lectures is super easy.
You know what I hate?
Giving the same lecture 16 times.
But, You know what I like?
That I can use the same jokes 16 times and they kill every time.
You know what I like?
That download speeds here in Korea and fucking hella fast.
You know what I hate?
That Youtube is throttled by the Korean government.
But, You know what I like?
That I don't really care about youtube.
You know what I like?
That facebook now has a pirate language setting.
You know what I hate?
People on facebook that put like 15 status updates a day that I don't care about.
But, You know what I like?
No, I pretty much hate facebook...
You know what I like?
Working at a school where 95% of the people don't speak my language.
You know what I hate?
That the principal of my school always drops in to watch my class.
But, You know what I like?
That the principal doesn't speak English, so I can say "Horse Cocks" or "Monkey Balls" any time I want.
Last weekend in Korea it was the grand old holiday of Chusok. The Korean version of Thanksgiving. It's an old tyme festival celebrating the end of the yearly harvest or something... But it's basically means that every store in Korea is closed and that every car in Korea is on the road; Causing traffic mayhem, lost profits and severely hungry foreigners... Mainly me...
I think one reason, among many, that Koreans aren't fatties like their American brethren, is that they don't gorge themselves during the holiday season (Or really any time for that matter). The traditional Chusok feast consists of like 5 different meager and healthy dishes. One of them is called Songpyeon. It is like a wet rice cake that has the consistency of a fish booger sitting on a cold beach. But don't let me deceive you, it's fairly tasty and delicious.
Delicious... That is the only English word that my students know how to use to describe good food. I want to hit these kids with a god damn thesaurus sometimes... Figuratively speaking of course...
Anyways... I had a 4 day weekend to enjoy or kill, depending on whether the soju glass is half full or half empty... So I decided to experience one of Korea's favorite pastimes... Hiking!
On Saturday, the actual day of Chusok, myself and about 7 others took about an hour subway ride into the mountains. Seoul Grand Park Stop to be exact... It is truly an epic and grand place. Covering like an entire valley, this place contains Seoul Land, the Korean version of Disney Land; The Seoul Zoo, where things like cows and donkeys are seen as super exotic and worth gawking at and taking pictures of... And it is the start of some 300 KM of hiking trails. Walking past the Zoo and Seoul Land on the way to the trails, I felt the Korean fashion police staring me down. Korean's are fanatical about looking fly at all times and about always dressing the part. When you jump on the subway or just walk through town, you can tell right away who's been on a hike. Koreans always have matching hiking gear, 95% of the time made by North Face. And always with the walking sticks... Which I never got. What the fuck is a walking stick for anyway? It just seems like something else to carry. Have you ever said, "Thank god I had my walking stick"? Walking sticks seem like a waste of god damn time and money, what's next? Sitting sticks? Pooing sticks? Shower poles? Even when I used to ski, I felt that the poles are just super dangerous and superfluous. I have a great idea to make skiing more dangerous... Let's give you 2 poles that have a super sharp point on one end... I mean seriously, what the fuck is the deal with poles and sticks? Anyone with me on this?
Side Note:
Speaking of Koreans and their fashion, every Korean couple always dresses the fucking same. It's pretty sad and funny, like a criminal getting hit by a bus. There was this one couple walking the streets wearing matching Mickey Mouse shirts and bear ear ear muffs. Seriously. This guy must be crying on the inside... Bear ear ear muffs? What the fuck is wrong with you ass hole? I know impressing your chick is important, but Bear ear ear muffs? I wanted to hit this guy straight between his bear ear ear muffs... I think the only thing funnier than seeing this guy would be seeing him getting mauled by an actual bear...
Further Side Note:
Every guy here in Korea always carries his girlfriends purse for them. I know all the female readers are going to be like, "Oh, how cute"... While all the guys will laugh and say, "What a pussy"... This is on top of his own man purse, or murse... So let me get this straight... Man purse, female purse and bear ear ear muffs? These are the guys getting laid in this freaking country?... Really?
Back to the show...
As we all started up the trail I learned very quickly that the Koreans have no word for switchback. All of their hiking trails go straight up. Like hella straight up. They have rope hand rails for like 25% of the super steep parts, but the other parts? Don't worry... There a super rusty barbed wire fence about 10 feet down the mountain that'll catch you... So if you do happen to fall off of the super steep and narrow trail... In the words of Jean Paul Sarte, "Orevwa, Mon Frere" Everyone that was on the hike was super chill. There was this one guy who had come straight from a night of drinking at the club... It was 11:30 A.M. mind you. He rolls up in shorts and sandals... I wasn't sure about how the sandals were going to fit into the equation, but they came off super quickly. Barefoot hiking? What a bad ass... I guess it's like a common hippie "One with nature" indians-used-to-do-it kind of thing... Pretty awesome.
So we reach the first 300 meter summit... I was pretty burnt at this point. I was carrying a plastic bag with a bottle of Gatorade in it and I was kicking myself for not hiring a god damn shirpa. Then I saw something that made me feel kind of like a puss. There was a guy at the top that had lugged a fucking table, huge tea pot, and like 25 pounds of supplies to the top of the first peak. How the hell did he get it up here? He was selling some kind of Korean alcohol. It was milky white and made out of fermented rice, and served piping hot... The only catch was that you had to drink it out of a little wooden bowl that a bunch of people had already used... I wasn't really feeling like a drink at this point but I think it's fucking awesome that this guy started a little bar at about 300 meters above the ground... I guess alcoholics gotta hike too...
So after the first peak and a short rest, the journey continued...
We walked through trees, past trees and I guess you could say around them too... Whatever the fuck we did there were tons of trees everywhere...
The conversation on this trip was pretty epic... Breast reductions and how they should be made illegal, Shark attacks, general fart jokes and how in India a group of 42 fighting midgets were attacked be a great big Bengal tiger...
About an hour into the second leg of the hike, we came to a crossroads. One way led another 3000 meters into the wilderness and the other way led about 200 meters to a mountain Buddhist temple.
Temple...
So as we're rolling up to the temple I'm thinking about how cool and secluded this place probably was. I was having visions of monks doing hella kung-fu, about how stoked they are going to be to see me, I mean, I'm probably the first white guy they've ever seen... And other general delusions.
So about 20 minutes later we arrive, and I was hella stoked... See... But the first thing I see when we get there is a god damn Mercedes... A 600 too... What the fuck? Then i walk a little further and see a god damn Coke machine, a German tourist wearing socks and sandals and a bus stop...
So I guess I was wrong in my previous thinking, but hey, wasn't the first time...
The temple was super awesome. It had a super peaceful vibe, which I believe I portrayed pretty well in this picture. There were these 2 monks leading a chant. They kept up the same chant for the entire hour we were there. They were like the Grateful dead of monks. The song was super cool. Their only instruments were a wooden block and a cow bell. I would make a "More Cow-Bell" joke, but... fuck those people... So after scoping out the temple for a good hour a few of us were ready for some brew...We said goodbye to the hard-core hikers and headed down the road... We had no fucking idea where we were. But hey, it's an adventure right?
So we start down this road in search of a subway station, or at least a bus. Literally an hour later we reach a town... By town I mean a few houses and a little store... So we stop at this little store to grab a beer. It was getting cold at this point, but as the American Indians say, "If you're cold, drink!"
4 beers later I needed to use the bathroom, but there was no bathroom in sight, so I decided to go in this little field next to a stream... AHHHHHHH, that feels better... WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I look up and literally 2 inches in front of my face is the hugest fucking spider I've ever seen. This thing put fucking spider man to shame. It was big and yellow and I think it had a little mustache. This thing was pulsating and didn't seem scared of me at all. So I ran, mid stream, to safer accommodations. This thing was fucking huge, like 4 or 5 inches from it's big yellow pulsating thing to the the end of it's big yellow and black legs. God damn, I have never been that scared in my life... Well once... But she turned out not to be pregnant...
So as we're walking back down this god damn endless road, we're looking back every 5 seconds to look for a bus. We desperately needed to catch a bus at this point. It was getting dark and we were already like a 2 hour subway ride away from home... So with no bus in sight I decided it was safe to take a 5 second break and take a picture of myself, you know, for facebook... If you look closely, you can see the god damn bus passing us right as I was distracted with my hammary. Fuck you bus!
So we finally make it to a town about another hour and a half later... We catch a bus, finally, and make it to a subway stop... What a day...
