Fried caterpillar larva, Korean street food, Mexican taco wagons... All of these things could kill an elephant on any given day... But I'm still standing, I'm still strong... So, like a drunken George W. Bush at a backwoods card game in 1980's Texas, I decided to double down... I mean what do I have to lose, right?
This week I set out to confirm or deny one of the biggest stereotypes of Asian culture that I've found in America... Whether Koreans REALLY eat dogs...
(Little snack before class...)I mean, what's wrong with eating a dog, really? They do look pretty delicious, don't they? I think, in fact, that dog is far superior to many other popular meat choices. Dogs are like turkeys, only better! With 4 legs instead of 2 it's like getting 100% more leg meat free... Which is awesome because the leg is the most delicious part... Dogs are like Deer, except safer! I mean, they don't have antlers so they're a lot less dangerous to hunt... Dogs are like cows, only way better... Dogs live very cushy lives, their meat is probably super tender and savory, like veal. Furthermore, dog's cushy lifestyles make them less susceptible to disease and other stuff like that, probably...
I think the main problem people have with eating dogs is that some bleeding hearts think that they're cute or human companions... Or those same bleeding hearts just give dog's human characteristics that simply aren't there...
Side note:
How the fuck can a dog be depressed??? I was reading yesterday that the former president of France, Baguette? Cigarette? Chirac? or something, had to give his dog away recently because it was depressed and attacking him... Really? This morceau de merde ran a country (Granted it was France, how hard can THAT be...) and he can't control his little white fucking poodle? And furthermore, he didn't want to spend any more money on his dog psychiatrist... A DOG PSYCHIATRIST... Ok that's it... A FUCKING DOG PSYCHIATRIST... These rich people have finally lost it. At least Rasputin claimed to help actual people!.. So... I have an idea, Why couldn't they just have ate the damn thing, end of story... I'm sure with some sage, rosemary and garlic (Is that the Simon and Garfunkel song?) it would have gone well with some fava beans a nice Chianti... Slurp slurp slurp...
End Side Note:
On the street in Korea:
Selling dog meat in Korea was made illegal in 1984... It's legally classified as a, 혐오식품, translating into 'Hatred foodstuffs'. This means that it is not sanitary to use as a food ingredient and legally cannot be served in a restaurant. But, just like pot in Amsterdam, just because it's illegal, doesn't mean the there isn't a thriving industry... In fact, cooked dogs are sold right on the street in some parts of Korea... According to the Korea Times in a 2009 article, over 9,000 tons of dog meat is consumed each year in Korea.
Side Note:
I wonder... If you don't finish your meal, do they give you a doggy bag?
(Not Funny)
End Side Note:
(Look at that jacket)Dogs have been consumed all over the world since the times of antiquity... Do you really think that a hungry ass caveman would look at his dog and NOT see a dinner??? And besides, it's not like people are stealing fluffy poodles out of penthouses... The dogs that people eat are a different breed of dog, called Nureongi. I'm sure there not very friendly and actually probably quite mean, while at the same time being exceptionally delicious. I've heard that they usually have a problem with authority and ALWAYS vote republican.
In Korea dog's aren't just served steak style, there are other uses for them. Dog extract... I'm not sure what the fuck dog extract is or how the fuck dog extract comes into existence, but it is used in a drink called gaesoju. It is supposed to help with male virility and to support the metabolism. Which sounds... Ya... it sounds gross but hey, who am I to say anything negative...
Side Note:
I wonder if Chihuahua is considered Mexican food?
(Not Funny)
End Side Note:
The matter of doggies for dinner is super sketchy in Korea. Koreans see it as embarrassing that the rest of the world sees their lunch as barbaric. Some Koreans believe that this issue alone will keep their country from becoming a first world elite. I think this is partially to blame for the over-pampering of dogs that can be seen everywhere now in Korea.
These god damn things are like little babies to some people. I was in a restaurant the other day and this women was feeding her dog, which was in a Louis Vuitton dog bag, right from the table. Other people take their dogs to super expensive and posh doggy/human salons where the owner and dog can get a cut, clip and dye job right next to each other. So I guess if you're a dog in Korea it's either the best of times or the worst of times.
So I wanted to try some doggy first hand. But how the fuck do I ask someone where I could get some dog without looking like a god damn psycho... So I decided to take what I've learned from Colombo and David Caruso and get some damn answers. So I approached a co-worker with the question, "Hey, I really want to try some different foods here in Korea, where is a good place to go..." They babbled on and on about some bullshit that I didn't care about... So I was like... "Are there any foods that people only eat in Korea?"... More bla bla bla... Ok, Caruso, make your move... "I've heard that people eat all kinds of animals here, what do you think?" Still, no dog talk... Ok Colombo, you're up... So I said, "Remind me, I heard someone say that they once saw something that looked like pig or goat, but wasn't, what could it have been?"... Bingo
This person gave me the standard, "Oh it's bad and dirty, not sanitary"... According to the Korea Times, only like 20% of Koreans have munched on a puppy and more than half of Koreans believe the practice to be wrong...
So I was like, "That IS terrible, oh my god!... Where can I see it, you know, just so I know how bad it is..." (Haha, they're falling right into my trap!)
"Only in the country, like in Gunsan"
Bingo!!! I had my answer... But this place is like 2 hours away from my house, so it'll have to wait for another day... No special trips for that... Imagine the burps on the way back on the bus...
I think this whole issue is blown way out of proportion by a super minority of rich women and emasculated men who have nothing better to do and don't realize that there's real problems in this world. Will Korea reach the 1st world elite, even if they continue their canine munching ways, YES... Anyone who say's otherwise is a fucking douchbag.
So it IS true, Korean's do eat dogs, but not many, and it's mainly the older people and the country folk... And it is a very hot button issue. Many, inside and outside of Korea, see this practice as barbaric and unsanitary. While others see it as part of a heritage and lifestyle that shouldn't be curbed to simply appease "Culinary Imperialists". And how do I see it? Well, I'm down to try anything once... Except crack...
1 comment:
Dude you are one hell of a writer. That was brilliant. The real question is will you make the 2 hour trip and give a little try. I venture to say that the tail would be quite yummy but do they eat the balls?
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