I think one reason, among many, that Koreans aren't fatties like their American brethren, is that they don't gorge themselves during the holiday season (Or really any time for that matter). The traditional Chusok feast consists of like 5 different meager and healthy dishes. One of them is called Songpyeon.
It is like a wet rice cake that has the consistency of a fish booger sitting on a cold beach. But don't let me deceive you, it's fairly tasty and delicious.
Delicious... That is the only English word that my students know how to use to describe good food. I want to hit these kids with a god damn thesaurus sometimes... Figuratively speaking of course...
Anyways... I had a 4 day weekend to enjoy or kill, depending on whether the soju glass is half full or half empty... So I decided to experience one of Korea's favorite pastimes... Hiking!
On Saturday, the actual day of Chusok, myself and about 7 others took about an hour subway ride into the mountains. Seoul Grand Park Stop to be exact... It is truly an epic and grand place.
Covering like an entire valley, this place contains Seoul Land, the Korean version of Disney Land; The Seoul Zoo, where things like cows and donkeys are seen as super exotic and worth gawking at and taking pictures of... And it is the start of some 300 KM of hiking trails.
Walking past the Zoo and Seoul Land on the way to the trails, I felt the Korean fashion police staring me down. Korean's are fanatical about looking fly at all times and about always dressing the part. When you jump on the subway or just walk through town, you can tell right away who's been on a hike. Koreans always have matching hiking gear, 95% of the time made by North Face. And always with the walking sticks... Which I never got. What the fuck is a walking stick for anyway? It just seems like something else to carry. Have you ever said, "Thank god I had my walking stick"? Walking sticks seem like a waste of god damn time and money, what's next? Sitting sticks? Pooing sticks? Shower poles? Even when I used to ski, I felt that the poles are just super dangerous and superfluous. I have a great idea to make skiing more dangerous... Let's give you 2 poles that have a super sharp point on one end... I mean seriously, what the fuck is the deal with poles and sticks? Anyone with me on this?
Side Note:
Speaking of Koreans and their fashion, every Korean couple always dresses the fucking same. It's pretty sad and funny, like a criminal getting hit by a bus. There was this one couple walking the streets wearing matching Mickey Mouse shirts and bear ear ear muffs. Seriously. This guy must be crying on the inside... Bear ear ear muffs? What the fuck is wrong with you ass hole? I know impressing your chick is important, but Bear ear ear muffs? I wanted to hit this guy straight between his bear ear ear muffs... I think the only thing funnier than seeing this guy would be seeing him getting mauled by an actual bear...
Further Side Note:
Every guy here in Korea always carries his girlfriends purse for them. I know all the female readers are going to be like, "Oh, how cute"... While all the guys will laugh and say, "What a pussy"... This is on top of his own man purse, or murse... So let me get this straight... Man purse, female purse and bear ear ear muffs? These are the guys getting laid in this freaking country?... Really?
Back to the show...
As we all started up the trail I learned very quickly that the Koreans have no word for switchback. All of their hiking trails go straight up. Like hella straight up. They have rope hand rails for like 25% of the super steep parts, but the other parts? Don't worry... There a super rusty barbed wire fence about 10 feet down the mountain that'll catch you... So if you do happen to fall off of the super steep and narrow trail... In the words of Jean Paul Sarte, "Orevwa, Mon Frere"
Everyone that was on the hike was super chill. There was this one guy who had come straight from a night of drinking at the club... It was 11:30 A.M. mind you. He rolls up in shorts and sandals... I wasn't sure about how the sandals were going to fit into the equation, but they came off super quickly. Barefoot hiking? What a bad ass... I guess it's like a common hippie "One with nature" indians-used-to-do-it kind of thing... Pretty awesome.
So we reach the first 300 meter summit... I was pretty burnt at this point. I was carrying a plastic bag with a bottle of Gatorade in it and I was kicking myself for not hiring a god damn shirpa. Then I saw something that made me feel kind of like a puss. There was a guy at the top that had lugged a fucking table, huge tea pot, and like 25 pounds of supplies to the top of the first peak. How the hell did he get it up here?
He was selling some kind of Korean alcohol. It was milky white and made out of fermented rice, and served piping hot... The only catch was that you had to drink it out of a little wooden bowl that a bunch of people had already used... I wasn't really feeling like a drink at this point but I think it's fucking awesome that this guy started a little bar at about 300 meters above the ground... I guess alcoholics gotta hike too...
So after the first peak and a short rest, the journey continued...
We walked through trees, past trees and I guess you could say around them too... Whatever the fuck we did there were tons of trees everywhere...
The conversation on this trip was pretty epic... Breast reductions and how they should be made illegal, Shark attacks, general fart jokes and how in India a group of 42 fighting midgets were attacked be a great big Bengal tiger...
About an hour into the second leg of the hike, we came to a crossroads. One way led another 3000 meters into the wilderness and the other way led about 200 meters to a mountain Buddhist temple.
Temple...
So as we're rolling up to the temple I'm thinking about how cool and secluded this place probably was. I was having visions of monks doing hella kung-fu, about how stoked they are going to be to see me, I mean, I'm probably the first white guy they've ever seen... And other general delusions.
So about 20 minutes later we arrive, and I was hella stoked... See...
But the first thing I see when we get there is a god damn Mercedes... A 600 too... What the fuck? Then i walk a little further and see a god damn Coke machine, a German tourist wearing socks and sandals and a bus stop...
So I guess I was wrong in my previous thinking, but hey, wasn't the first time...
The temple was super awesome. It had a super peaceful vibe, which I believe I portrayed pretty well in this picture.
There were these 2 monks leading a chant. They kept up the same chant for the entire hour we were there. They were like the Grateful dead of monks. The song was super cool. Their only instruments were a wooden block and a cow bell. I would make a "More Cow-Bell" joke, but... fuck those people...
So after scoping out the temple for a good hour a few of us were ready for some brew...We said goodbye to the hard-core hikers and headed down the road... We had no fucking idea where we were. But hey, it's an adventure right?
So we start down this road in search of a subway station, or at least a bus. Literally an hour later we reach a town... By town I mean a few houses and a little store... So we stop at this little store to grab a beer. It was getting cold at this point, but as the American Indians say, "If you're cold, drink!"
4 beers later I needed to use the bathroom, but there was no bathroom in sight, so I decided to go in this little field next to a stream... AHHHHHHH, that feels better... WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I look up and literally 2 inches in front of my face is the hugest fucking spider I've ever seen.
This thing put fucking spider man to shame. It was big and yellow and I think it had a little mustache. This thing was pulsating and didn't seem scared of me at all. So I ran, mid stream, to safer accommodations. This thing was fucking huge, like 4 or 5 inches from it's big yellow pulsating thing to the the end of it's big yellow and black legs. God damn, I have never been that scared in my life... Well once... But she turned out not to be pregnant...
So as we're walking back down this god damn endless road, we're looking back every 5 seconds to look for a bus. We desperately needed to catch a bus at this point. It was getting dark and we were already like a 2 hour subway ride away from home... So with no bus in sight I decided it was safe to take a 5 second break and take a picture of myself, you know, for facebook...
If you look closely, you can see the god damn bus passing us right as I was distracted with my hammary. Fuck you bus!
So we finally make it to a town about another hour and a half later... We catch a bus, finally, and make it to a subway stop... What a day...
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