Even Majestic Body Parts Can't Save the Night

Last weekend, after spending the entire week stuck in the Korean mountains with the most insane batch of bastards in the country, I needed to let off some serious shvitz. So myself and like 10 people, some I knew and some I didn't, decided to go to Hongdae, a crazy ass party town about an hour and a half subway ride away from my home town.

I had a great feeling as I jumped on the subway that it was going to be an epic night. I had my trademark Gatorade and soju by my side and was looking forward to hanging out with some good buds. I even wore my lucky underwear! But the night just kept getting progressively worse and worse, it came to a point where by the end of the night it felt like I had a mouth full of crazy pills and was being sucked down into the twelfth level of psycho...

But don't get me wrong, the entire night wasn't that bad...

I did get a tons of compliments from random Korean people. All of them were not what I was expecting but I've found that expectations and Korea are definitely mutually exclusive.


Some compliment's I've received so far are:


"Ohhhh, You're so Handsome!!!" ( I think this is taught to everyone in this country as a standard response to American men. )

"Your arms, they are furry, so beautiful!!!"

"You have a Majestic Nose." (Really? Majestic?)

Everyone tells me I look like Bruce Willis or Vin Diesel. (At least they don't say George Costanza...)


The first like hour of the night was pretty cool... We started out drinking in the park right next to the University in Hongdae. It was filled to the brim with Korean college kids, Korean motorcycle (Scooter) gangs and a random mix of people from all over the world. We were listening to this student alt-rock band that was actually pretty awesome. I remember this one song...

Dock-bol-ki is this Korean dish that is like a marinara sauce with white stuff and little squid floating in it... It's pretty awesome and even more awesome because it's one of the few Korean words that I can remember. So I was listening to the band and I thought they were singing a song called 'Dock-bol-ki'... So I was super into it and actually sang along... It turns out they were singing Get Funky...
I liked my version better...

Then we went to this one bar that was super chill. There was an 8 piece, all girl Korean punk band playing... These chicks fucking rocked... We got there a little late so we only heard like 4 songs, but they were pretty awesome. This club also served one of my favorite beers, Hoegarden. So with awesome beer in hand, good tunes to listen to, lucky drawls feelin fine and hotties on the stage, four of my seven or eight senses were feeling pretty bomb... Maybe a little too bomb... It's like that old joke... Everyone who thinks that they're going to have a great night take one step forward. Not so fast Alex...

So now please follow me as I step down into the depths of Hell...

Step 1:

So the night started to slide when I met everyone on the subway platform. The usual people were there, all cool people whom.. Is it who or whom? Whom seems too formal but I think it's right. Anyway, these people are my friends. But there was this god damn British guy there who proceeded to piss everyone off more and more throughout the night. It finally ended in a few of us sprinting towards the subway and jumping on Indiana Jones style just before the doors closed in order to get away from this tool.

Step 2:

I think the main thing that bothered me about Hongdae is that it's like a shitty Korean version of a bar in like Tallahassee, Florida. Complete with the cock-smoker westerners who scream "Party" like they're an extra in a movie about that one last party before the end of high school... One thing that I fully appreciate about Korea is all the Koreans, naturally. I've found all the Korean people that I have come into contact with are super chill and stuff. They're always super glad to meet you and always tell you how epic they think America is, which I fully appreciate. But there was a different vibe in the air this night, I mean, how could you love America when all of it's worst representatives are in the same place?

Step 3:

Remember a few blogs back when I got the kabob from the Pakistani guy who was picking his nose? Well I saw his exact freaking twin in Hongdae selling kabobs, sans nosepicking... So I decided to get a kabob from him and see what was what... I wonder why these guys all sell kabobs? I didn't know that kabobs were like the standard way of life for Pakistani Ex-pats. Like prostitution for Russians or drinking for Australians, you never really see one outside of their own country doing anything else but... Weird... But ya I got a kabob and told the guy to make it extra spicy... Bad idea...

So we all walk into this club called GoGo. While we were walking up the steps to the 2nd floor bar, this guy came running out with a bloody face and his buddy was right behind him saying "Police-a"...

Quick side note...

Koreans always put either an "a (uh)" or an "ee" sound after every English word. I try to get my students to stop but it's like fucking everywhere. And to make thing worse, most Koreans don't understand you if you don't put that last little sound on the end of English words. Like with the word Bus... It's fucking Bus... One syllable... It's not like a crazy medical word or something that everyone in the fucking world hasn't heard... I say Bus to a Korean and they look at my like, "What the Fuck, dude?" But I say Bus-a and their like, "OOOOOOOOhhh, You should have said that in the first place". Like I said a completely different word... Taxi-a, Alex-a, Beer-a, Finish-e, Candy-a... It makes me laugh whenever I hear it...

Quick SUB-side note...

Whenever my kids say something that sounds hella funny, am I allowed to laugh? Some of the higher level kids laugh when the other kids say finish-e, or candy-a... I think it sounds hella funny. It sounds like Monica Seles or Serena Williams grunting whenever they hit a tennis ball, funny right? I know part of my job is to like not laugh at the kids and encourage them or whatever, but isn't ridicule the best way to learn NOT to do something?...

End Sub Note...
End Regular Side Note...

Continuing Step 3:

So this guy comes out yelling "Police-a", I guess his buddy got hit in the face or something, he looked fine to me... Kind of a pussy if you ask me. Pussy-a... When we get into GoGos there's like 2 psycho ass old British guys shaking it up with each other and this SUPER haggard Korean chick dancing by herself with a come hither look on her face... Hither-a... I paid like 5,000 won for a hot ass beer and went to go find a bathroom...

Quick Side-note #2...

Why the fuck are there no paper towels or garbage cans in this whole god damn country?... I mean this place is great, but why no paper towels or garbage cans? What if I want to throw something away? What if I want to wipe off my hands?? Let's bring this full circle... What if I want to wipe off my hands then throw the paper towel away???... Whoa...

End Side-note #2...

So I get the bright idea to try and get everyone to go to another bar, I mean, how much worse can it get, right?... Famous last words my friends... Famous last fucking words...

Step 4:

The whole crew walks down stairs to a basement club called FF. I think FF stands for Fat chicks and Freshmen, because that's all that was there. Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are the latter and former, but on this night, with the good times souring faster than the milk in my sometimes working, sometimes not, refrigerator, I took the crowd in FF as a personal insult. So I bought another 5,000 Won hot beer (maybe all refrigerators in Korea are like mine?), and made a lap around the dance floor to see if I could find a diamond in the rough... Very rough I might add...

Then I got this strange sensation. Think when you bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, but the exact opposite. I started to sweat... I got a tingly sensation, I started to get that feeling that is altogether familiar and scary...

I needed to hurl...

Step 5:

There is nothing sketchier than having to puke and being in a hot, cigarette smoke filled, gnarly people infested bar... There was no way I was going to blow chunks in this club full of people. I needed to gracefully exit this place.... And Fast

So I walked towards the exit sign on the other side of the room. DAMMIT! The door was locked! I had to think fast, I had like a minute tops... So I pushed my way through the dance floor straight to the door in which I had entered. Up a flight of stairs, past the bouncer (who was like 135 pounds, but he probably knows Kung-Fu or something...), through the upstairs bar and out onto the street. I could feel it coming, I knew I had 30 seconds or less... Like when people who are in car accidents say that everything right before the accident was in super slow motion... It was like that, only with vomit...

There were tons of people on the street this night, I needed to find a shady spot, quickly. I looked in all directions and all I saw was people. I walked one way for like half a minute, still more people... Then I saw a little walkway that looked like it was asking to get puked in or peed in or something... So I walked down the alley...

I fully spewed right in front of this bum, I think I woke him up... But who the hell was he going to tell, right?

Wow, I didn't think I would see that kabob again so quickly. That damn thing must has been cursed! I guess the only safe people to buy kabobs from in this country are those who ARE picking their nose.

So I ate my last piece of gum, took a deep breath and walked back to club Sketchy. I actually felt way better. I had only had like 2 beers at this point so I'm pretty sure the kabob was tainted... That kabob became a metaphor for the entire night. What was once so delicious and promising became nothing more than stomach bile and pieces of chewed up chicken dripping off of the side of an apartment building.

Step 6:

So by this time I was super over it... But I knew there was no turning back...

It was around 1 A.M... The subway in Korea doesn't run between the hours of 12A.M. and 5:30 A.M. So if you don't go home before midnight, you have to wait it out until the early morning...

There are several options at this point...

Take a cab, I guess, but pay for an hour and a half cab ride? Fuck that shit.

Sleep on the side of the street... No way, people throw up there...

Sleep in the train station... I would have been up for this, if I knew where the damn thing was.

Or just ride out the shitstorm... But on this night, it was a full on shitocane!


Step 7:

Have you ever met someone who just oozes something that pisses you off? Not like puss or anything gnarly, but just like a stanky aura. This god damn British guy... What can I say about him that already hasn't been said about North Korea? I've never met anyone who was so full of themselves, and at the same time contained so little actual substance... He was like the exact opposite of a Buddhist monk...

...Fast forward through people and cars and neon lights and stuff...

Step 8:

The clock was ticking by very slowly at this point... 4:31... 4:32... 4:33... 4:32...HEY! As Tom Petty once said, "The bad nights take forever, and the good nights don't ever seem to last." Very true, and since this night was a fucking disaster, it was crawling by slower than a suicidal, drunk bum with a broken leg in a burning crack house...


Step Whatever, I want to be fucking home already:

So at 5:31A.M. there was about 6 of us still together. We walked in the direction of the subway station, and the god damn Brit started running his mouth again. Asking questions, answering them, wondering aloud, screaming... This guy was more annoying than fucking Fran Drescher with a megaphone.

...

So I got home at 8A.M., just as normal, red-blooded Koreans were getting up to go to work... Damn what a night...


Post Script:

Here are some more Engrish shirts, worn by students, that have been seen, by me and others, at schools in Korea:

"I'm a Happy Slut"

"U Bring the Ass"

"This is just to let you know that later I will be FUCKING"
(It's funny, I was wearing the same shirt that day... How embarrassing!)