A squat red building of only five stories. Over the main entrance the words, Sigok Elementary School, and in a shield, the school's motto, Honesty, Originality, Respect, Education... Did you notice that the first letter of each word spells out hore? That's dangerously close to whore... Haha... I noticed it, and that is what I have laughed at every morning as I walk into this place...
When I arrived in Korea 3 short months ago it was late summer. I was told I was going to be living in an apartment in a village that looked across the river and the rice paddy to the mountains. It is a super-small apartment that is, in fact, so small that if I stand directly in the center of it, I can spit in any direction and hit any part of it... Not that I have done this but I truly believe that it is indeed possible.
Before I got to Korea I thought it was going to be really different than it has turned out to be. I expected to see people plowing fields with horses, people to be wearing rags and riding horses... I pretty much expected a lot more horses... Where are all of the god damn horses???
But Korea is pretty much like America... People get up, go to work, work, get off work, and then they do whatever... But it's the little things that are different.
For instance...
Apartments...
95% of the 50 million people in Korea live in apartments. Korea is the size of the American state of Indiana and is home to over 10 times the population... So these people are at a serious loss for space... My co-teacher and I were discussing this one day. I was telling her about back home and explained that my mother lives in a house with a front and back yard... She got super excited and asked if I was super rich or something... I said yes... I guess an average piece of land with an average house on it is SUPER expensive here... Like over one million dollars... According to my co-teacher... Actually she doesn't speak very good English so she either said that, or something about a goat... But I think she said that...
The People...
There are the obvious differences in looks and language and stuff like that...
For Example:
Korean Not Korean But taking a more in depth look at the population around here brings to light some very interesting differences... First and most importantly, Korea is a very conformist and nationalistic society. I noticed this the first day I got here... The gentleman who picked me up at the airport was blabbing on and on about how Korean's don't get swine flu because they are a strong race... About how Korean's live so much longer and healthier lives because of their unique national diet... Bla bla bla... And living here the past 3 months I've just noticed more of it. Korean's truly believe that they are better than other people, but not in a slave-owner type of way, they just take it as a known fact like that the sky is blue of that water is wet. It's weird... Also, Koreans are super racist... But, again, not in a slave-owner type of way, but a matter-of-fact kind of way. Especially towards Japanese people... One of my students, a super nice girl who looks like she just plays hopscotch and sings all day came up to me the other day and said, "I hate Japanese people"... I was like, "hmmmm... Ok... Cool..." And she skipped off on her merry way... What the fuck little girl??? I thought she was joking but the look on her face was super serious...
And that leads to another thing...
Korean Humor...
(Guy walk into doctor office, guy say, "Doctor, it hurt when I do", doctor say, "Don't do!")
The Korean sense of humor is WAY different than the American version, or my version for that matter. I mean, look at this shit from popular Asian TV shows...
What the fuck is going on in this mix? I mean, Korean humor is super weird... It's all about doing dumb shit and letting everyone else laugh at how you react to it. And Korean comedy shows are the worst, they're a combination of super slapstick and soft core porn... Which I admit, is kind of awesome... But bizarre... And sarcasm is definitely lost on our Korean brothers and sisters... Whenever I say something sarcastic, which is very often, people look at me like I'm an idiot... Which is pretty much what people do in America, but back in the homeland I at least get comedic recognition points. For example... Now, I have like 300 students right, and instead of learning all of those names, I just point and say, "You", whenever I call on someone... And sometimes there is a lot of apparent confusion about who I'm pointing to, although it's fucking obvious who I'm pointing at. So, sometimes like 3 kids will point to themselves and say, "Me?"... At this point I'll point to the other side of the room and say, "No, him" in a sarcastic tone with a grin on my alabaster face... Right? Good stuff... But then the god damn kid who I pointed at on the other side of the room will start talking... God damn kids...
Dammit... Not this guy again... (Grasshopper walk into bar. Bartender say, "Herro glasshoppa, we have drink name after you". Grasshopper say, "You have drink name Kim Chan Bae Young Ho?")
Side Note:
(Does there need to be a red cross through this guy??? If I saw a mother fucker like this around my neighborhood I'd call the fucking cops in a second... Do we need to be told??? And why is he black? A little racist isn't it? And also, why does he have no head? A HUGE body, no head and a huge mouth... HMMM... Hey, that's Marlon Brando!)
End Side Note:
Money...
Obviously the money is different... But what's the deal with all the fucking zero's??? This has been pissing me off for some time now... And not just about Korea... The Italian Lira is the same way... It's like 100,000,000 Lira for a can of coke and if you want to buy a car??? Fuck, you have to spend like a kazillion Lira or won... The smallest increment of paper money available is the 1,000 Won note. It's like $.85... Why don't they just lop off those 3 zeros and call it a 1 won note??? I mean honestly... I am literally a millionaire here... But with the exchange rate being like 1500 KWN to 1 US Dollar... It makes telling babes I'm a millionaire almost meaningless!
The sky above Korea was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel... And this was the week that I was to start taking beginning Korean language classes at the newly opened Ansan City Migrant Education Center. I was anxious to finally understand what the hell all these dashes and dots on store fronts mean... And plus, I have a lot to say to these Korean people... As Jane Wagner once said, "I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain." I mean, I was really looking forward to learning another language... It was a pleasure to learn...
So the class is supposed to be from 7 to 9pm every Tuesday and Thursday night, right? So on the first Tuesday of class I get this text message to be there at 6:30 for a placement test... Dammit, this is going to severely cut into my drinking time... (Just kidding mom...)
I walk into the classroom at 6:30pm and see like 2 people, one guy wearing a brown cardigan and another guy with a rat-tail hair style... I took a seat in the back and watched the crazies flow in... The most outstanding was a black chick wearing huge circular glasses and a silver sequins beanie with bills on the front AND back... She looked like Sherlock Holmes... Sherlock Homie???... haha... Good one... But is that racist??? Oh well, no black people will probably see this, they don't know how to use the internet...
Because this was the opening night of the center, they had a bunch of TV cameras and press all over the place filming stuff for a local TV channel. They brought the cameras into our classroom to film the happy white people learning the fine Hangul language ... They made us all give a thumbs-up to the camera and say "Wonderful"... It wasn't wonderful...
So around 7:15pm they finally start giving out the placement test... It was 4 pages and was totally in Korean... Multiple choice though... So I put ACDC for every 4 answers and felt pretty sweet... That'll teach em... Bastards...
Actually no one knew what the fuck was on the test, as I said before this was a BEGINNING Korean class... About 5 minutes into the test the lady stopped the test and told us we would be given a verbal test instead... Great... If they ask me how to say 'hello' or 'beer' or 'mother fucker' I'm golden, other than that I'll be in the beginning class with Sherlock Homie and the creepy guy with the lisp...
Because this was the official opening night of the center, a huge opening ceremony had been prepared. The mayor of Ansan was even there, and a bunch of other old Korean people... So around 8pm, our teacher ushered us into this auditorium... As our class of about 15 walked into the room, a hush grew over the crowd and all these 50-something Koreans all turn around in unison, like a group of a thousand prairie dogs all looking in the same direction... We were the only western people in the place and it seemed like we were the only western people these K's had ever seen... I asked myself, "Am I integrating this place?"
What's the deal with the staring in this place? I mean, I walk down the street and people look at me like I'm juggling dildos... Little kids, old ladies, middle age men... All staring... It makes me feel like I'm either super attractive, extraordinarily ugly or that my fly is down... And the little comments... Always with the little comments... At least twice a day people I walk past will shout out little salutations at me... "Herro" followed by laughing (this is usually the middle school or high school girls, sometimes dudes too)... "Hello Moto" (god damn kids)... "So handsome!" (ok, this one can stay, except when fat high school boys shout it out, then I just feel uncomfortable)... "Bruce Willis!" (how do they know about him, isn't he like 90 by now?)...
I have always heard beautiful women in America say how bad it is to get tons of attention from strangers and I always thought that those women were just spoiled... I mean, I used to think that I would love to have the opposite sex whistling at me, shouting cat calls, buying me drinks all the time and generally throwing vagina at me like one of those pitching machines at the batting cages... Only with vaginas... But after walking a mile in women's shoes (figuratively speaking of course)... I see that it's kind of annoying and creepy...
But back to the opening ceremony...
So we walk in and sit down... Still getting stared at... The ceremony commences with a choir of about 30 walking in from the back... There were thunderous applause, champagne rained down from the ceiling and angels in white cotton panties danced all around me... Oh crap, I was only day dreaming... When I came back to reality, a Korean reality, the choir had taken their places and started to perform. Their first song was the William Tell Overture... But they said "Bum" for every note... It was kind of bizarre... "Bum bum bum, bum bum bum, bum bum, bum, bum, bum..." Ok, that was weird... But the next few songs were really impressive. They did Nessun Dorma and it was really impressive. The look on the tiny Korean guys face when he was belting it out was classic, it was like he was trying to throw up a basketball. The choir was actually really good and after 4 songs they got a clap and a wink out of me...
But next... Well...
Three beautiful women entered from stage right... They were all wearing super short black skirts, had their hair done in excellent stripper fashion and were all wearing heels that were 6 inches high... Was I day-dreaming again??? Oh no, even my twisted mind couldn't make up what I was about to see... Now, mind you, there were about 400 people at this event... All of them old Korean people, the average age was probably 50 or so, also the mayor of Ansan and his posse were there... So when the Korean spice girls came onto the stage... I'm sure a few tired old hearts started to pump...
One of the Korean Spice Girls had an electric cello, one of them an electric violin and the other had a key-tar...
Their first song was a rousing rendition of the James Bond theme... Now, you could definitely tell they weren't really playing their instruments... What is the word for lip-syncing, or is it lip-singing, an instrument??? I mean, what is it called when you are pretending to play an instrument, by aren't, because you are too busy humping the back of your fellow Korean spice girl on stage in front of the mayor and a bunch of old people... I'm sure there's got to be a word for it...
Now, these girls certainly had... "Talent" I guess is the word I'm looking for, or "Assets" maybe... I looked around the crowd and these old folks seemed to really enjoy the show. The men all had huge grins on their dirty old faces and were clapping like little kids at a circus... And the women were at least clapping along...
The second song was a river dance type song... Again... More humping, more trying to get the crowd to clap along and more happy old men... But it was starting to get weird... I mean, was this appropriate, or normal, or even right? So after like 3 key-tar solos, they were off the stage...
But wait... Oh, they're back for an encore! Oh goody... This time they're playing flash dance, or is it last dance? You know, that disco song by Gloria Gaynor or something... God kill me now...
Fast Forward...
Clapping along...
Humping...
Clapping along...
Is she walking around the crowd now pretending to play???
Key-tar solo...
Did she just hump the mayor?!?
Applause...
I think they're done... Wait... Ok they're done... Wow... That was something... What could possibly follow that? By this time it was 8:45, and our class was supposed to be done by 9... It was a race against the clock at this point, how much more bull shit could these K's fit into 15 minutes?... How much more boring and strange could it possibly get? Maybe someone will have a heart attack or start shooting up the place, then I could slip quietly out the door...
After the freaky freaky girls came the speeches... Oh lord the speeches... Now, if you haven't already noticed, the Korean language is spoken in a monotone voice... Like Joe Friday at a sushi bar or something... Now this makes for extremely painful speeches... I considered faking a heart attack... Nah, I'm too young, no one will believe it... Maybe a seizure? No, only 15 more minutes, I can last that long, right?
There was this one guy who was somewhat of a comedian, I guess... He would say something and the crowd would all laugh and look at each other and nod as to say, "that IS funny because it's true, oh blessed Korea!!!"... But it was weird... Because Korean is spoken in a monotone voice, there is no change of intonation for sarcasm or humor like their is in English... Instead, to make their point, Koreans elongate their words and make a "kashshskshsh" type of sound... Like they have something stuck in their throats, or like when my cat used to puke up a hair ball or something, it's kind of unique... This got me thinking about what a stand up comedian in Korea would be like... Completely monotone and then kashshkashs... BAM... laughs... This night was like a bad SNL sketch, only it was my life...
I looked at my watch, it was 9:05... HEY! This is Alex's time now... No more BS...please?... There were whispers among the westerners, like a bunch of prisoners planning a break... They WERE planning a break! I caught wind that after the next speaker finished we were all going to start up and move towards the door... They can't stop all of us... Maybe a few will be taken down, but the good of the group is worth a few casualties... Well, it's bad for those few, but... I was second farthest from the door, so if I was going to make it, I had to be quick... So the speaker finishes and we all stand up, all the Korean prairie dogs all turned around again, probably wondering what these crazy western fuckers were doing now... Like a group of sardines slipping past a mighty shark, we all walked towards the door... But... Not so fast soldier boy!... Damn, I was caught... Some Korean lady came running over with both of her hands up... She stopped the person in front of me... I was trapped!!! I couldn't go back the other way... Maybe if I started crying they would let me go... Or if I just started peeing... No, I was wearing my good pants, can't pee in those... So, defeated, I sat back down... I moved a few seats closer to the door though, and whoever was sitting in this seat before me sure left it warm... I just hope it wasn't a dude, that would be kind of gay...
9:15...
9:20...
9:27...
When will the hurting stop???...
At this point I began to chew on my own hand...
They then brought up this guy and a bunch of kids to, I think, give him a key to the city of something... I noticed that he had a bunch of kids with him... It made me think that he was corrupt... I mean, why would you go the extra mile to have a bunch of kids around you if you WEREN'T a corrupt bastard... It seems like a public relations move that is all to obvious and telling... He probably hired the damn things...
Finally some lady came up to the microphone and said something, and everyone clapped and got up...
No... Not like that you dirty devil... I ate Blow fish! And I fucking lived to tell about it. I mean, I could have died...
Blow fish, if you haven't already heard, is a super poisonous fish that few dare to try because it can kill you in under 15 minutes! I mean, it's the second most poisonous vertebrae on the planet, right behind the dreaded Golden Poison Frog. According to the Encyclopedia of Fishes, which I read almost every day, a single adult blow fish has enough poison in it to kill 30 adult humans!!! Holy crap! Because of this deadly fact, only trained and certified blow fish master chefs that pass a rigorous test and spend 4 years as a blow fish apprentice are allowed to handle and serve the stuff in Korea and Japan...
Now, I've been wanting to try Blow fish for like 10 years... I'm not sure why really... I guess I always thought they were cool and it's like a Darwin-survival-of-the-fittest-Russian-roulette-with-food type deal. I'm obsessed with sushi, and to me blow fish, or bok as the koreans call it, is like the world series of sushi... So, naturally, as with any obsession, the tendency is to always take it as far as you can...
As myself, my co-teacher and my friend walked up to the restaurant, I felt a strange mix of fear, excitement, awesomeness and exhilaration... The restaurant we went to was like my short lived Amish online dating website, I mean, there was no one in this god damn place, what the hell? This could either be very good or very bad... Either it's a super nice place that people only go to on super special occasions OR all the locals know that these people are god damn sadists who's only pleasure comes from watching people die a slow and poisonous death...
I guess tetrodotoxin (blow fish poison) poisoning is super terrible... According to a Japanese health agency, an overdose of tetrodotoxin paralyzes your involuntary muscles, leaving one unable to move or breathe... But still conscious... The poison paralyzes the muscles while the victim stays fully conscious, and eventually dies from asphyxiation. There is currently no antidote, and the standard medical approach is to try to support the respiratory and circulatory system until the effect of the poison wears off... Good times...
This was running through my mind as we were ushered into a private room and given a menu and a few beers, you know, for courage, and then they shut the door... I guess they put us in that little room so if we died no one else would see us...
We ordered the Full Bok Set, a fabulous meal for 2 or 3 which was both the most expensive thing on the menu (150,000 Won) and the most "luxurious and delicious" as the owner, who was also our waitress, described it... Like an Indian (the feather version, not the dot version) sucking and slurping every last piece of meat out of a crab leg, the Koreans use every piece of the blow fish for the meal... The first course consisted of sliced blow fish skin and super spicy blow fish intestines...
(Spicy marinated blow fish(left) and sliced skin (right))
Now, according to my bible, the Encyclopedia of Fishes, the skin is one of the most dangerous parts as it has the highest concentration of tetrodotoxin, the deadly shit that kills mutha fuckaz left and right... Strange and ominous thoughts were racing through my head at this point... (poison...blow fish... monkey... death... poison... sex with a horse... blow fish...death... adult diapers...)
(The first bite)
At first, no one wanted to eat... We all sat there for like 2 minutes staring at this nicely sliced piece of death... Then I stuck out my mighty chopsticks and grabbed a piece of skin... It had the texture and consistency of a super thick condom with a pine cone inside of it... Not that I've ever eaten one of those... I could feel little needles rubbing against the side of my mouth, and the excitement building in my mind to epic and dangerous levels...
It didn't really have the strongest taste in the world, but it was good. The plate of marinated spicy blow fish intestines was REALLY fucking spicy, every time I took a bite it made me cough...
On to the next course...
Blow fish sashimi and fried blow fish... This stuff was fucking AWESOME... It had a super fresh and epic taste and really made my taste buds dance and sing... The little green things in the left part of the picture, according to the owner, were supposed to keep us from dieing as they have some kind of counter-poison enzyme or something... Needless to say I ate liberal amounts... And the fried blow fish was awesome!!! Cooking blow fish meat does NOT kill the toxin (Which I found out AFTER the meal...)... But at the time I thought it did, so I ate 2 plates of the fried stuff thinking it was both extra delicious and epically safe... Oh foolish me...
Now...
During this part of the experience I started to feel a little "different" than(then?) I normally do... My arms and legs started to feel tight and tingly like little blow fish were swimming around inside my veins... It was great!... I asked my 2 other companions if they felt different and my co-teacher, who looked like she was stoned, told me she felt dizzy... And my other friend, a super giant New Zealander who had pounded like 4 beers already just nodded his head... Nice...
Next course...
(Blow fish soup)
Now this stuff was hella fucking spicy... I mean, I coughed like 3 times after each little spoonful... And the soup had huge chunks of blow fish body floating around in it (The white things in the picture above). It looked super sketchy and deadly, but was pretty good... At this point I started to wonder how much blow fish was TOO much... I mean, this stuff can indeed kill you... And I believe I had eaten the lions share of the meal as the other 2 scardy cats were eating like fucking super models... I did feel kind of out of it and light headed, but a good kind. Like when you rub your eyes for like 5 minutes and get a little light show, except I didn't have any visuals and my body felt like that instead of my eyes... So I guess it was nothing like that...
Side note:
I think this is funny and it makes me smile...
End side note:
At this point of the night with 2 whole blow fish consumed... We were all ready to go... We said anyankahaseo... Whatever the fuck that means... To the owner, she even gave us all hugs... Like to say, "Good luck, you bastards will probably be dead by morning! Mwahahahaha..."
But I was feeling OK... I even was feeling good enough for a picture with some random Korean dude...
Oh fuck, that's just a picture... Maybe I don't feel OK...
My friend and I said anyangkahaseo... Again, whatever the fuck that means... to my co-teacher and me and the zealander went to an Uzbekistani restaurant to sample some real beer, not like the god damn piss water they have here in Korea...
Now, All that I know about Uzbekistan I learned from Borat... In the movie he described them as rapists, assholes and sister-fuckers... I didn't see any of that at the restaurant but I'll have to go back another time to make double sure...
Fast forward through streets, Russian hookers on the corner, a waiter that looked like Jaws from the Bond films, 16% beers, friends, ducks, lollipops, Korean guys dancing together, non sequitur, curry, samosas, pterodactyls and a dancing bear...
And, there I was, stepping off the last subway train of the night... Completely twisted on Blow fish... Completely faded on Russian beer and completely tired from the work week... Because of this, or is it in spite? I decided to walk home from the subway station... The streets were angry that night my friends... Fear, panic, chills... They raced through my body like a million little blow fish all angrily bumping into each other... It was about a 30 minute walk... Instead of taking the bus... I mean at this point... Why the fuck not, right? Billy Idol would have done it.
Ahh it's Fall in beautiful Korea... The leaves are turning fabulous colors... The air has a delicious, crisp feel to it... I feel so poetic, kind of like sitting under a rainbow and singing or crying or something... Oh ya...And it's fucking cold as fuck...
I love Fall... Is Fall capitalized? fall Fall fall?... I know it a name so I think it is... But upon further research I guess it isn't... One would only capitalize a season if they are giving it the attributes of a person... Such as: I felt Fall's sweet kiss on my neck, so I called the police and now that mother fucker's doing 5 to 10!...
So anyways, it's fall...Again... One thing I love about fall is all the leaves on the ground. I love finding a leaf that is of perfect crispness... And smashing it. Walking home through the golden-leaf filled streets I like to pretend that I'm a giant smashing cars and buildings and stuff... Or a monster or something... RRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR... Smash, smash, smash.... RRRRAAWWWRRRR... But I only make the sounds in my head... Because, you know, if I made them out loud it would just be weird...
This got me thinking about what other games I like to play...
Airplane/Super Hero I'm sure we've all played this one: When I'm in a car I like to put my hand out the window and pretend it's an airplane or a super hero. If you keep your hand straight with your fingers together, the wind creates lift underneath it. It's really fun!!! You can pretend you are flying, bird-style, from communists or flying to save a super hottie princess. Playing this game as a child almost made me want to become a pilot, but then I decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life banging stewardesses and eating all of my meals out of shitty little trays. Another fun car game is to put your head right against the windshield and move your hands like you are running, it feels like you're running at an incredible rate!
Say What?
Here in Korea I like to play this one game... At lunch I sit with a bunch of Korean people, naturally... And they always speak in Korean. I even hear my name sometimes... Those mother fuckers! I know they're talking about me... I like to translate their conversations for them... Usually into magnificent stories about myself. I like to think that they're saying something like...
(Translated from Korean)
Korean #1: Hey, have you seen the new Engrish teacher, Alex?
Korean #2: Ya! I can't believe how epic and awesome he is!
Korean #1: I know, he's totally studly and buffed.
Korean #2: Ya dude, For sure...
(But in real life they're probably just talking about how much of a god damn hairless prick I am...)
Make it Rain.
I give out shitloads of candy to my kids... I mean, I don't have to pay their dentist bills... And candy is a great way to motivate kids to speak English... 85% of the time, it works every time... But just handing it out to the children is so boring, so I have taken what I've learned in strip clubs and from Snoop Dogg videos and brought it to the class room. You see, the children are split up into like 6 groups of 6, right? And the Korean teacher gives each group points throughout the class based on whether they shut the fuck up when I tell them to or whether they give a right answer or something... Stuff like that. So the group with the most points at the end of the day gets candy, so I get like 10 pieces in my hands, throw them up in the air and "Make it Rain" on the children... It's awesome... And makes me feel sweet...
I like to impress the children with my vast array of trick candy throws. So I have come up with a few cool trick throws to give out candy that both impress the hell out of the children and make me feel like a god damn Korean superstar.
The Harlem Globe Trotter:
I like to use the good old behind-the-back throw, I think I'm the first person to bring it to Korea because my kids all look stunned and can't seem to figure out where the candy came from.
The Snap Dragon:
For this one I hold the candy in my hand, throw it towards my bicep, snap my arm and bounce it off my bicep towards the children... This one is less accurate but the children love it...
The Tasmanian Devil:
For this one, I sit in my computer chair and spin around at an incredible rate. I then, using centrifugal force, hurl the candy towards the children... This method is also not very accurate but the children also love it...
The Throw Up/Poop Out:
This one is for the older crowds, but the kids love it as well. It can be used in conjunction with one of the other methods or can be employed by itself. For this method, I hold the candy in my closed fist, place my closed fist near my mouth or my ass, and pretend to "vomit up" or "poop out" the candy. It's great! Although... I did make that one girl cry... But she shouldn't be so fucking uptight!
The Fastball:
This method can be used to test the student's catching ability and hand-to-eye coordination. For this method I stand like a major league pitcher, give a grandiose wind up and hurl the candy towards the student... They usually never catch it... But I've found that there are very few things more satisfying than throwing stuff at kids...
The Stalingrad:
I've only attempted this maneuver once as it necessitates a lot of candy. For this one I crouch down behind my desk and throw candy after candy at the children like mortars flying out of a fox hole. It's pretty fun and the kids love it.
The Reverse Emperor's New Clothes:
This is one of my favorites. This one takes some time to prepare. You need a used candy wrapper and something to act as a dummy candy, usually a wad of wet paper or a chewed up piece of gum or something... You then place the dummy candy in the used candy wrapper and wrap it up like a fresh piece of delicious candy... The trap is now set! Then you ask if anyone wants apiece of candy... Sure enough about 15 kids run towards you with a look of childhood wonder on their eyes... I usually pick the kid that pisses me off the most to give it to... Then I sit back and bask in the glory of watching that innocent, happy childhood wonder turn into a mad, had and super bad gloom... Hahaha... Stupid kids...
Other moves include The Hiding Mexican, The Plumb Smuggler, The West-Coast Hustler and The Kentucky Skateboard...
But I mean, some people seem to have a problem with my foot-loose-and-fancy-free approach towards teaching... People around here are always saying that I...
"Don't fit the mold of a proper English teacher"
or I
"Constantly walk around with an apparent erection"
or I am
"Openly racist towards people who aren't like me"
or I
"Never take a shower"
or I
"Constantly have loud arguments with people who aren't there"
or I
"Sweat Profusely"
or I
"Eat my own dandruff"
or I "Usually have food in strange places on my body"...
Oh ya... Speaking of food... I'm going to have blowfish later today!!! I'm pretty excited. I've been wanting to try it for years. It is illegal in America, except for 5 restaurants in the entire country. I'm not sure why these places are so god damn special and get to side step the law... But I don't really care.
My entire life I've been wondering what the big deal is with stereotypes... I mean they're true, right? As a wise old dude once said, “Stereotypes are devices for saving a biased person the trouble of learning”... But I disagree, sir... Stereotypes are like Wikipedia... An easy and quick way to learn something about someone that is usually pretty accurate... Before coming to Korea I heard a fair amount of stereotypes about Koreans... And this week I wanted to examine those stereotypes and put them to the test to see if (A) they are true and (B) if they are true, why they are true...
Stereotypes Americans have about Koreans:
(1) All Koreans are good at math.
Not all stereotypes are bad. Like the one about Black dudes having big cocks, sometimes a stereotype can work in your favor, and I think this is one of them. Asians ARE better at math than their American counterparts. My 5th grade students can do amazing things with numbers... They can take derivatives of equations and multiply any 2 digit number by another 2 digit number in their head and other crazy shit like that.
American Math Test Question and Answer:
Korean Math Test and Question and Answer:
I think there are several reasons why Asians are good at math.
1 - Their parents...
All of my students both fear and respect their parents a great deal. Korean parents believe in the old bible adage, "Spare the rod, spoil the child"... These people aren't afraid to beat the crap out of their kids if the situation calls for it. I saw this one parent screaming at her kid in Korean at the store the other day, and even I was fucking scared! Then she picked him up and slapped him like a 3 year old at K-Mart... THEN, she screamed at him for crying about it... She was pretty hot too...
And they pay top dollar and make their kids study fucking HELLA hard to make sure that they'll have a good job so they can support their parents later in life...
2 - Their number system...
Asian languages are fucking WAY less complicated than English. And their numbers are the same way. They have the standard 1 through ten, but after 10 comes... Ten One... Then Ten Two... and so on... In English we have eleven... What the fuck is eleven?... And then twelve... I know it's easy for us English speakers to know what it means but honestly what is easier... Eleven, or Ten-One... Korean numbers follow a certain pattern that is very predictable and very easy to learn and follow. In the English language, you must know 24 different words in order to count to 100, in Korea... 11. It makes visualizing and comparing numbers so much easier.
Also, the way they pronounce the number's is super more logical. Take the ratio 4/7... Four Sevenths... What the fuck is a Seventh? Like the date? In Korean, 4/7 is translated: Out of 7 take 4... Way easier. I think it is this basic ease at the very beginning that allows Asians to feel more comfortable with numbers and allow them to excel at math.
3 - Their schools...
Korean schools are way more rigorous than American schools. These kids go to school all day and then probably 75% of kids go to private study academies, or Hagwons, after school... And, like an underfed elephant at a 3rd rate circus, these kids are expected to perform. How a kid performs on his elementary exam dictates which middle school he will go to... And doing well on a middle school exam get them into a good high school... and so on and so on... So getting on the right track early is EVERYTHING to these people. Schools and parents put so much pressure on young children that it makes them sick, literally. 2 kids in my class had to go to the hospital last month before a big test... One was breaking out in hives from the stress and the others hair was falling out from all of the pressure...
Math Verdict: TRUE
(2) All Asians have small cocks.
Now I don't have any first hand evidence for this, I've never seen an Asian's cock before. But I do have 1 piece of circumstantial evidence and one sworn testimony that could shed some light on the subject.
First and foremost, have you EVER seen an Asian guy in a porn film? Me either.
Now to the testimony... So I was talking to a friend the other night who just happened to be a girl. We were shooting the shit and the subject of hooking up with Asians finally came up. I asked her if Asians were her type and if she had ever hooked up with a "real Asian". She told me the best story.
So she was down in Busan, a large San Francisco style city at the far south of the Korean peninsula. She was out clubbing it up and started dancing with a Korean guy... One thing led to another and they ended up at this little love motel. (In Korea, love motels are EVERYWHERE, they are super cheap and always super tacky... We're talking neon cherry's everywhere and heart or lips shaped jacuzzis...) So they were doing their thing, and the guy pulled out a little case with something in it... It turned out to be a penis extension! This guy popped it on and... Boom goes the dynamite...
These things are for sale in hotels and bars in dirty little vending machines. I have seen them!
Cock Verdict: INCONCLUSIVE
(3) All Asians are terrible drivers.
I don't know if it's really bad driving, or just controlled anarchy. I have yet to see a car crash here in Korea and have seen some fucking TERRIBLE driving. Motorcyclists drive on the sidewalk all the time, they drive in bike lanes, they drive around cars stopped are red lights... On the wrong side of the road. Motorcyclists drive with no helmets, they have 2 of their friends on the bike behind them and I have seen a few times 3 people on a bike with EACH one smoking a cigarette and laughing... But I have never seen an accident...
And the bus drivers and taxi drivers... Holy shit! These guys run red lights, pass people on the wrong side of the road and make turn from like 3 lanes in the opposite direction... It's like a video game sometimes... When I first came to Korea I wanted to get a little scooter and smash around with a long scarf and goggles like some kind of baller or the Red Barron or something... But I have since decided against it... I'm not sure if I can become a part of the controlled anarchy, and don't want to be an addition to some Korean's car hood... And Boom goes the dynamite... Bad Driving Verdict: TRUE
(4) All Koreans hate Japanese people.
I never really knew about this intercontinental rivalry before I came to Korea... But it is alive and well. I was talking to this South Korean guy about a week ago about North Korea... Remember the Pollyanna guy from the last post? He was going on and on about how he doesn't hate the North Koreans and how bla bla bla... But then he goes... "But I DO hate the Japanese"... and I was like WHOA!
I guess there is a super competative/hateful relationship between the 3 different Asian races around this place... Look at this sign from Japan... I asked my co-teacher to translate and she got super offended and acted like I had this sign over the door at my house... Then I explained to her that I too hate Japanese people with all their Judo and sushi and ninjas and stuff...and we connected on a racist/hate-based level... Probably the deepest level 2 humans can connect on...
She told me it says "NO KOREANS INSIDE"... Which is pretty fucked up...
I mean, Korean's have souls too... At least I think they do... Japanese-Hating Verdict: INCONCLUSIVE
(5) All Koreans eat rice with every meal.
This one is HELLA true... Every store you go into has huge 50 pound bags of rice piled up to the ceiling, and there are like 50 different brands...
On the first day of school there was a huge pile of rice vomited up right outside the entrance to the school and I remember thinking to myself, "It's a little early for rice, no?" But, like a withering alcoholic, these people never stop.
I was chopping it up with my co teacher the other day... We were making pancakes... And I asked her what some traditional Korean breakfast foods were... She told me that Korean's don't have different foods for different meals! They just eat 3 meals a day of whatever the fuck they feel like or have around the apartment. She told me that rice is a very popular food in Korea... In fact... Rice is such a huge part of the culture that another way to say hello in Korea is... 당신이 아직 먹었다 밥을 있다... Or, " Have you eaten rice today?"... Crazy Huh?... Rice Verdict: TRUE
(6) All Koreans beat their wives. (Rice Again???)
I have heard this several times before and wondered if it was true. I'm sure not all Koreans beat their wives and truly believe that probably more American's are wife beaters than Koreans... However... I do have, again, 1 piece of circumstantial evidence and one sworn testimony to present...
Evidence... There are like 4 different 911-style numbers to call for help in Korea. 112 is for the police... 113 is to report a spy... 119 is for Fire and Emergency services and... 129 is to report a domestic emergency... I, again, am NOT saying that all Koreans beat their wives but... They do have a special number for it...
And the testimony: A few weeks back a bunch of us fucking white people went out for food. So we were talking and this guys tells us about something he saw the night before right outside of his house. He was walking home around 8pm and heard a scream coming from the little alley way behind his house. He walks over and sees this guy fucking wailing on this lady, he said they were in their 50's or something. So I guess after the sex is gone, and after the love is gone, and after the conversation is gone, you can still enjoy slapping the shit out of your beautiful blushing bride... And boom goes the dynamite...
