Sherlock Homie

The sky above Korea was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel... And this was the week that I was to start taking beginning Korean language classes at the newly opened Ansan City Migrant Education Center. I was anxious to finally understand what the hell all these dashes and dots on store fronts mean... And plus, I have a lot to say to these Korean people... As Jane Wagner once said, "I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain." I mean, I was really looking forward to learning another language... It was a pleasure to learn...

So the class is supposed to be from 7 to 9pm every Tuesday and Thursday night, right? So on the first Tuesday of class I get this text message to be there at 6:30 for a placement test... Dammit, this is going to severely cut into my drinking time... (Just kidding mom...)

I walk into the classroom at 6:30pm and see like 2 people, one guy wearing a brown cardigan and another guy with a rat-tail hair style... I took a seat in the back and watched the crazies flow in... The most outstanding was a black chick wearing huge circular glasses and a silver sequins beanie with bills on the front AND back... She looked like Sherlock Holmes... Sherlock Homie???... haha... Good one... But is that racist??? Oh well, no black people will probably see this, they don't know how to use the internet...



Because this was the opening night of the center, they had a bunch of TV cameras and press all over the place filming stuff for a local TV channel. They brought the cameras into our classroom to film the happy white people learning the fine Hangul language ... They made us all give a thumbs-up to the camera and say "Wonderful"... It wasn't wonderful...

So around 7:15pm they finally start giving out the placement test... It was 4 pages and was totally in Korean... Multiple choice though... So I put ACDC for every 4 answers and felt pretty sweet... That'll teach em... Bastards...

Actually no one knew what the fuck was on the test, as I said before this was a BEGINNING Korean class... About 5 minutes into the test the lady stopped the test and told us we would be given a verbal test instead... Great... If they ask me how to say 'hello' or 'beer' or 'mother fucker' I'm golden, other than that I'll be in the beginning class with Sherlock Homie and the creepy guy with the lisp...

Because this was the official opening night of the center, a huge opening ceremony had been prepared. The mayor of Ansan was even there, and a bunch of other old Korean people... So around 8pm, our teacher ushered us into this auditorium... As our class of about 15 walked into the room, a hush grew over the crowd and all these 50-something Koreans all turn around in unison, like a group of a thousand prairie dogs all looking in the same direction... We were the only western people in the place and it seemed like we were the only western people these K's had ever seen... I asked myself, "Am I integrating this place?"



What's the deal with the staring in this place? I mean, I walk down the street and people look at me like I'm juggling dildos... Little kids, old ladies, middle age men... All staring... It makes me feel like I'm either super attractive, extraordinarily ugly or that my fly is down... And the little comments... Always with the little comments... At least twice a day people I walk past will shout out little salutations at me... "Herro" followed by laughing (this is usually the middle school or high school girls, sometimes dudes too)... "Hello Moto" (god damn kids)... "So handsome!" (ok, this one can stay, except when fat high school boys shout it out, then I just feel uncomfortable)... "Bruce Willis!" (how do they know about him, isn't he like 90 by now?)...

I have always heard beautiful women in America say how bad it is to get tons of attention from strangers and I always thought that those women were just spoiled... I mean, I used to think that I would love to have the opposite sex whistling at me, shouting cat calls, buying me drinks all the time and generally throwing vagina at me like one of those pitching machines at the batting cages... Only with vaginas... But after walking a mile in women's shoes (figuratively speaking of course)... I see that it's kind of annoying and creepy...

But back to the opening ceremony...

So we walk in and sit down... Still getting stared at... The ceremony commences with a choir of about 30 walking in from the back... There were thunderous applause, champagne rained down from the ceiling and angels in white cotton panties danced all around me... Oh crap, I was only day dreaming... When I came back to reality, a Korean reality, the choir had taken their places and started to perform. Their first song was the William Tell Overture... But they said "Bum" for every note... It was kind of bizarre... "Bum bum bum, bum bum bum, bum bum, bum, bum, bum..." Ok, that was weird... But the next few songs were really impressive. They did Nessun Dorma and it was really impressive. The look on the tiny Korean guys face when he was belting it out was classic, it was like he was trying to throw up a basketball. The choir was actually really good and after 4 songs they got a clap and a wink out of me...

But next... Well...

Three beautiful women entered from stage right... They were all wearing super short black skirts, had their hair done in excellent stripper fashion and were all wearing heels that were 6 inches high... Was I day-dreaming again??? Oh no, even my twisted mind couldn't make up what I was about to see... Now, mind you, there were about 400 people at this event... All of them old Korean people, the average age was probably 50 or so, also the mayor of Ansan and his posse were there... So when the Korean spice girls came onto the stage... I'm sure a few tired old hearts started to pump...

One of the Korean Spice Girls had an electric cello, one of them an electric violin and the other had a key-tar...



Their first song was a rousing rendition of the James Bond theme... Now, you could definitely tell they weren't really playing their instruments... What is the word for lip-syncing, or is it lip-singing, an instrument??? I mean, what is it called when you are pretending to play an instrument, by aren't, because you are too busy humping the back of your fellow Korean spice girl on stage in front of the mayor and a bunch of old people... I'm sure there's got to be a word for it...

Now, these girls certainly had... "Talent" I guess is the word I'm looking for, or "Assets" maybe... I looked around the crowd and these old folks seemed to really enjoy the show. The men all had huge grins on their dirty old faces and were clapping like little kids at a circus... And the women were at least clapping along...

The second song was a river dance type song... Again... More humping, more trying to get the crowd to clap along and more happy old men... But it was starting to get weird... I mean, was this appropriate, or normal, or even right? So after like 3 key-tar solos, they were off the stage...

But wait... Oh, they're back for an encore! Oh goody... This time they're playing flash dance, or is it last dance? You know, that disco song by Gloria Gaynor or something... God kill me now...

Fast Forward...

Clapping along...

Humping...

Clapping along...

Is she walking around the crowd now pretending to play???

Key-tar solo...

Did she just hump the mayor?!?

Applause...

I think they're done... Wait... Ok they're done... Wow... That was something... What could possibly follow that? By this time it was 8:45, and our class was supposed to be done by 9... It was a race against the clock at this point, how much more bull shit could these K's fit into 15 minutes?... How much more boring and strange could it possibly get? Maybe someone will have a heart attack or start shooting up the place, then I could slip quietly out the door...

After the freaky freaky girls came the speeches... Oh lord the speeches... Now, if you haven't already noticed, the Korean language is spoken in a monotone voice... Like Joe Friday at a sushi bar or something... Now this makes for extremely painful speeches... I considered faking a heart attack... Nah, I'm too young, no one will believe it... Maybe a seizure? No, only 15 more minutes, I can last that long, right?

There was this one guy who was somewhat of a comedian, I guess... He would say something and the crowd would all laugh and look at each other and nod as to say, "that IS funny because it's true, oh blessed Korea!!!"... But it was weird... Because Korean is spoken in a monotone voice, there is no change of intonation for sarcasm or humor like their is in English... Instead, to make their point, Koreans elongate their words and make a "kashshskshsh" type of sound... Like they have something stuck in their throats, or like when my cat used to puke up a hair ball or something, it's kind of unique... This got me thinking about what a stand up comedian in Korea would be like... Completely monotone and then kashshkashs... BAM... laughs... This night was like a bad SNL sketch, only it was my life...

I looked at my watch, it was 9:05... HEY! This is Alex's time now... No more BS...please?... There were whispers among the westerners, like a bunch of prisoners planning a break... They WERE planning a break! I caught wind that after the next speaker finished we were all going to start up and move towards the door... They can't stop all of us... Maybe a few will be taken down, but the good of the group is worth a few casualties... Well, it's bad for those few, but... I was second farthest from the door, so if I was going to make it, I had to be quick... So the speaker finishes and we all stand up, all the Korean prairie dogs all turned around again, probably wondering what these crazy western fuckers were doing now... Like a group of sardines slipping past a mighty shark, we all walked towards the door... But... Not so fast soldier boy!... Damn, I was caught... Some Korean lady came running over with both of her hands up... She stopped the person in front of me... I was trapped!!! I couldn't go back the other way... Maybe if I started crying they would let me go... Or if I just started peeing... No, I was wearing my good pants, can't pee in those... So, defeated, I sat back down... I moved a few seats closer to the door though, and whoever was sitting in this seat before me sure left it warm... I just hope it wasn't a dude, that would be kind of gay...

9:15...

9:20...

9:27...

When will the hurting stop???...

At this point I began to chew on my own hand...

They then brought up this guy and a bunch of kids to, I think, give him a key to the city of something... I noticed that he had a bunch of kids with him... It made me think that he was corrupt... I mean, why would you go the extra mile to have a bunch of kids around you if you WEREN'T a corrupt bastard... It seems like a public relations move that is all to obvious and telling... He probably hired the damn things...

Finally some lady came up to the microphone and said something, and everyone clapped and got up...

Freedom never tasted so sweet!!!

Damn what a night...