I love Fall... Is Fall capitalized? fall Fall fall?... I know it a name so I think it is... But upon further research I guess it isn't... One would only capitalize a season if they are giving it the attributes of a person... Such as: I felt Fall's sweet kiss on my neck, so I called the police and now that mother fucker's doing 5 to 10!...
So anyways, it's fall...Again... One thing I love about fall is all the leaves on the ground. I love finding a leaf that is of perfect crispness... And smashing it. Walking home through the golden-leaf filled streets I like to pretend that I'm a giant smashing cars and buildings and stuff... Or a monster or something... RRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR... Smash, smash, smash.... RRRRAAWWWRRRR... But I only make the sounds in my head... Because, you know, if I made them out loud it would just be weird...
This got me thinking about what other games I like to play...
Airplane/Super Hero
I'm sure we've all played this one: When I'm in a car I like to put my hand out the window and pretend it's an airplane or a super hero. If you keep your hand straight with your fingers together, the wind creates lift underneath it. It's really fun!!! You can pretend you are flying, bird-style, from communists or flying to save a super hottie princess. Playing this game as a child almost made me want to become a pilot, but then I decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life banging stewardesses and eating all of my meals out of shitty little trays. Another fun car game is to put your head right against the windshield and move your hands like you are running, it feels like you're running at an incredible rate!
Say What?
Here in Korea I like to play this one game... At lunch I sit with a bunch of Korean people, naturally... And they always speak in Korean. I even hear my name sometimes... Those mother fuckers! I know they're talking about me... I like to translate their conversations for them... Usually into magnificent stories about myself. I like to think that they're saying something like...
(Translated from Korean)
Korean #1:
Hey, have you seen the new Engrish teacher, Alex?
Korean #2:
Ya! I can't believe how epic and awesome he is!
Korean #1:
I know, he's totally studly and buffed.
Korean #2:
Ya dude, For sure...
(But in real life they're probably just talking about how much of a god damn hairless prick I am...)
Make it Rain.
I give out shitloads of candy to my kids... I mean, I don't have to pay their dentist bills... And candy is a great way to motivate kids to speak English... 85% of the time, it works every time... But just handing it out to the children is so boring, so I have taken what I've learned in strip clubs and from Snoop Dogg videos and brought it to the class room. You see, the children are split up into like 6 groups of 6, right? And the Korean teacher gives each group points throughout the class based on whether they shut the fuck up when I tell them to or whether they give a right answer or something... Stuff like that. So the group with the most points at the end of the day gets candy, so I get like 10 pieces in my hands, throw them up in the air and "Make it Rain" on the children... It's awesome... And makes me feel sweet...
I like to impress the children with my vast array of trick candy throws. So I have come up with a few cool trick throws to give out candy that both impress the hell out of the children and make me feel like a god damn Korean superstar.
The Harlem Globe Trotter:
I like to use the good old behind-the-back throw, I think I'm the first person to bring it to Korea because my kids all look stunned and can't seem to figure out where the candy came from.
The Snap Dragon:
For this one I hold the candy in my hand, throw it towards my bicep, snap my arm and bounce it off my bicep towards the children... This one is less accurate but the children love it...
The Tasmanian Devil:
For this one, I sit in my computer chair and spin around at an incredible rate. I then, using centrifugal force, hurl the candy towards the children... This method is also not very accurate but the children also love it...
The Throw Up/Poop Out:
This one is for the older crowds, but the kids love it as well. It can be used in conjunction with one of the other methods or can be employed by itself. For this method, I hold the candy in my closed fist, place my closed fist near my mouth or my ass, and pretend to "vomit up" or "poop out" the candy. It's great! Although... I did make that one girl cry... But she shouldn't be so fucking uptight!
The Fastball:
This method can be used to test the student's catching ability and hand-to-eye coordination. For this method I stand like a major league pitcher, give a grandiose wind up and hurl the candy towards the student... They usually never catch it... But I've found that there are very few things more satisfying than throwing stuff at kids...
The Stalingrad:
I've only attempted this maneuver once as it necessitates a lot of candy. For this one I crouch down behind my desk and throw candy after candy at the children like mortars flying out of a fox hole. It's pretty fun and the kids love it.
The Reverse Emperor's New Clothes:
This is one of my favorites. This one takes some time to prepare. You need a used candy wrapper and something to act as a dummy candy, usually a wad of wet paper or a chewed up piece of gum or something... You then place the dummy candy in the used candy wrapper and wrap it up like a fresh piece of delicious candy... The trap is now set! Then you ask if anyone wants apiece of candy... Sure enough about 15 kids run towards you with a look of childhood wonder on their eyes... I usually pick the kid that pisses me off the most to give it to... Then I sit back and bask in the glory of watching that innocent, happy childhood wonder turn into a mad, had and super bad gloom... Hahaha... Stupid kids...
Other moves include The Hiding Mexican, The Plumb Smuggler, The West-Coast Hustler and The Kentucky Skateboard...
But I mean, some people seem to have a problem with my foot-loose-and-fancy-free approach towards teaching... People around here are always saying that I...
"Don't fit the mold of a proper English teacher"
or I
"Constantly walk around with an apparent erection"
or I am
"Openly racist towards people who aren't like me"
or I
"Never take a shower"
or I
"Constantly have loud arguments with people who aren't there"
or I
"Sweat Profusely"
or I
"Eat my own dandruff"
or I
"Usually have food in strange places on my body"...
Oh ya... Speaking of food... I'm going to have blowfish later today!!! I'm pretty excited. I've been wanting to try it for years. It is illegal in America, except for 5 restaurants in the entire country. I'm not sure why these places are so god damn special and get to side step the law... But I don't really care.
1 comment:
by far the best blog yet!! keep 'em coming!!
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