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Walking off the plane at the Bangkok Airport I was greeted with the sign "Warning: The age of consent in Thailand is 18 and is STRICTLY ENFORCED"... Wow, no "Welcome to Thailand" or anything like that? Kind of fucking rude... Who are these damn perverts visiting this country anyway??? So I walk to immigration, have my picture taken, and continue on to the baggage claim. One quick thing, why is my bag always the last god damn bag off the plane? I mean honestly... In Hong Kong, Bangkok and Seoul... It's not that big of a deal but kind of crappy and interesting if you want to know the absolute god damn truth about it... So I grab my bag, walk out into the hot, dirty air of Bangkok and take a deep breath... I immediately start coughing and sweating... I've arrived!
I walk back inside looking for a bus ticket to Khao San Road. The airport in about 45 minutes from downtown Bangkok so I need to get a ticket and get this fucking show on the road... I find a ticket counter and said "Khao San"... "One fiddy Baaaaht" the women replies...
Side Note:
Coming from Korea, the land of bad English, I really expected the same out of Thailand, but it was completely different. Mostly everyone spoke and understood enough English to at least get by and in some cases have a conversation. In Korea, English is spoken mostly by the educated and wealthy, while some of the younger generation can speak English thanks to learning it in schools and watching The Simpsons... But in Korea, most of the jack off taxi drivers, middle class workers and anyone over 35 that doesn't have a reason to speak English, doesn't...
In Thailand, the tuk-tuk drivers spoke English very well... (You want ping-pong show buddy? *pop* *pop* "Ping Ping Pong Pong???) The old women making my pad-thai spoke English enough to tell me how great hers was and how crap the prick down the street makes it...
End Side Note:
This bus driver was a fucking maniac... He was passing people like he was fucking Richard Petty, he was weaving in and out of traffic like he was in a go cart, and he was smoking like Lucille Ball after her second divorce... But I wasn't really all that scared... It was kind of like a ride...
(Whatever the fuck this means...)
There were five of us on the bus, all male... I was looking around trying to figure out what the fuck these people were doing here... One of the guys looked like a heroin addict who had just been kicked out of a garbage bin for being too dirty... One looked like a wide-eyed Mexican witnessing the birth of Christ... The other two were "Some kind of Asian" (is that racist?) and seemed like your average tourist... They had wide circular glasses and cameras around their necks. Both were wearing hats like Gilligan and were obviously wearing money belts stuffed with something obviously valuable. At this point I wondered where I fit into this equation? I didn't really give a shit after like a minute and continues looking out the window as my new home for the next 12 days sped past me.
The bus lurched to a halt and the bus driver got off and walked away, like a rock star slamming his guitar on the stage and walking to his dressing room, he just washed his hands of the whole damn bus... I guess this is my stop... As soon as I walked off I started to sweat again. I was wearing a thermal long sleeve shirt, a button up long sleeve and long pants, just in case you were wondering, I was also wearing a red thong... About 7 different Thai guys came up to the bus, smelling fresh meat. "Hey my friend, where you go?" "Hey buddy, come with me"... I walked passed them with a look on my face that was a mixture of I'm going to barf/ I'm going to kill you... Works every time...
Walking down the Khao San Road for the first time it hit me, "There's a lot of god damn hippies here"... "And they all have varying degrees of bad tattoos"...
But who am I to judge really? I'm just some jerk who writes a bad blog... But, it's probably just the heat... I'm sure when I get some cool clothes and cool drinks on and in me I'll see the light...
Where the fuck is my guest house???
I have a crude map printed from the internet, and directions to this place printed in Thai... So let me see, it say dash, dot, line, curly line, dash, dot, dot, curly line with dot... Hmmmm... What does the map say?... Ok, it says from the end of Khao San road, turn right, then turn left at the 7-11... I didn't realize how ubiquitous 7-11 was in this world... Look, here's one next to a whore house in Pat Pong...
So I turn left at the 7-11, at this point I've been walking for 15 minutes with about 50 pounds of shit and long pants and a long sleeve shirt in 90 degree weather, things started to go blurry... See, I took a picture...
Then I see it... Siri Baan Guest House... The first thing I think is, "Damn, this place looks different from the pictures on the internet"...
So I walk in and there's 2 thick mustaches to greet me... One on a man, and one on a women... "Hi, I have a reservation"
"Oh Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii, where you from where you go?", Says Mustache Women.
"What?", I reply.
"Hahaha, Thailand sooooo beautiful, so many beauty"
"Ya, I..."
"Or you see so many sites"
"I don't think you can start a sentence with "Or"..."
"So your room not ready, you have some hot coffee or tea?"
"It's like 90 degrees..."
At this point the bearded lady runs off and comes back with a piping hot mug of coffee... I literally have sweat stains the size of dinner plates and my mouth feels like a camel farted dust into it... But, not wanting to be rude, I drink the damn coffee...
Sitting in the courtyard at a bamboo table, drinking coffee in the direct sunlight, I begin to ponder life's mysteries, but was interrupted by...
"Oh Hiiiiiiii, room ready, room ready..." Captain Lady Beard screams...
"Oh I..."
"Room is now ready"
(At this point I begin to speak very fast in order to get my sentence out before the bearded women has a chance to start talking.)
"Thank you it looks nice I hope to have a nice stay at your fine establishment..." (All in one breath)
She hands me a pad lock and key, smiles, probably not understanding me, and walks off... As soon as I get into my room I change into something a little more appropriate and dry...
I notice that I have profusely sweated through my money belt, and now have the imprint of a 1000 Baht note slightly visible on my stomach...
So I put the giant padlock on the door, smile and wave as I walk past the mustache twins, and step out onto the streets of Bangkok...
With sight seeing planned for the next 4 days, today would just be a chill day for me... Exploring Khao San Road and getting familiar with Thai culture, i.e., drinking...
I pop into the 7-11 on the corner and buy a bottle of water and a Thai red bull, this stuff is banned in every country in the world except Thailand due to it's awesome ability to keep you more wired than River Phoenix at the Viper Club... In fact, Red Bull was invented in Thailand... Krating Daeng, it's original name, means Red Bull in Thai... I was immediately struck by how cheap everything was here... The exchange rate is roughly 30 Baht to the Dollar... A Thai red bull costs 10 Baht and a 2 liter bottle of water costs 12 Baht... Awesome! With all this extra money I can afford to get a Thai hook... I mean... Save it for college... Ya... College...
It's around 2 P.M., lunch time... Walking down some main road in the direstion of Khao San, I see a plethora a street vendors, bums and people who are either super ugly chicks, or lady boys... See, lady boys are like wigs... You can only spot a bad one... Which is why I need to be super careful when dealing with the opposite sex here in Thailand, because what is perceived to be a friendly valley could turn out to be a mighty peak... Gross...
You can literally buy anything you want in Thailand...
For 300 Baht I could be a student, driver, member of the press AND a college graduate... People selling batteries, Levis, little pink candies, fried scorpions, purses, shirts, fruit, pad-thai, Suits...
The fucking Suit people... These people looked different from the Thai people, I'm going to guess "some kind of Arab"... They would stand in a row of usually 2 or 3 slapping a worn-out laminated card against their other hand and saying, "Oh buddy, nice suit for a nice buddy?"... "Suit, suit, suit suit..." ... The entire time I was in Thailand I didn't see anybody wearing a god damn suit...
Walking around Khao San, I got the distinct feeling that this isn't what Thailand was really about... Let's examine this place in more detail...
Advertising:
What pops out? iPod touch, Subway and Durex... Listening to music, eating and fucking... Sounds like a pretty nice little Saturday, but not what I came to Thailand to do...
People:
( My guess is that he wears that shirt a lot)
The people on Khao San were an interesting mix of drunk bastards looking to get more drunk, and hippies...
Let's take a time out and define hippie. By hippie I don't mean free loving, people from the 60's, I mean dirty, probably dreadlocked, kind of socially inept, kind of weird looking, usually has some kind of weird scar, wearing what they think the earth would want them to wear type of people... Let's call them power hippies...
Seeing the power drinkers and the power hippies together was super weird, like seeing a cat mounting a dog or hearing Sarah Palin saying a sentence that doesn't end in "Don't cha know..." If there's one thing I can't stand... It's bears... And if there's two things I can't stand, it's bears and power hippies...
Next -> Part 3 - Wat the Fuck, Po?
Beep Beep... Beep Beep...
Fuck, 730AM... Oh wait, today I'm going to Thailand!
I jump out of bed wearing 3 layers of clothes, in about 26 hours I will only be wearing 1. That's right 26 hours. Does it take that long to fly to Thailand from Korea? No, but I have the mother of all fucking layovers... 15 hours in Hong Kong... Sounds kind of like a porno or something doesn't it?... But I'm thinking that it will be cool to explore the airport and stuff... Ya right...
My flight leaves the Seoul airport at 3:15pm... So leaving myself ample time, I leave the house around 8AM... By the way, I have to take a subway, strike that, 3 subways, one bus and a train to the god damn airport...
Waiting by the bus station by my house I feel super excited, even to the point of smiling... Actually, smiling is the only way I can keep warm at this point... With the weather in Bangkok about 40 degrees warmer than that of Seoul, I dressed right in the middle, actually screwing myself in both climates... Too cold for Korea and too warm for Bangkok...
So I get off the bus and onto the train, still smiling, still strong... I get to the station where I will make the first transfer... 5... 10... 15 minutes with no train... Suddenly some Korean dude jumps on the intercom and says something in Korean... All the Koreans on the platform start to moan and a few leave... What did he say? Is the world ending???
So I had to make a split decision, either wait for this train or reroute myself on a different train that will still take me to the same destination, only with like 15 more stops in between. I chose the latter... I wonder how long those people waited on the platform? They might still be there...
Standing on a packed Korean subway dreaming about Pad Thai is when it finally hit me, I guess I just really woke up... I'm going to be in Thailand in like less than a day... Ahh the land of smiles...
One thing though... This fucking crazy ass Korean chick, maybe around the same age as me, gets on the train about 7 stops before the airport... At this point there were like 8 people in my particular car... This chick takes a seat adjacent to me and screams out, I'm serious, she screamed out... "Anyanghaseo, ordomayo?"... Now I don't speak Korean, but I know what she said, she said, "Hello, where are you going?" At least I'm like 95% sure that's what it means... "Anyanghaseo, ordomayo?", she screams it again... The whole time I'm just sitting there looking at the Korean subway map in my hands and trying to get this freak to move on to different pastures... The 6 or 7 people onthe subway car are all looking at me and the crazy chick at this point... "Anyanghaseo, ordomayo?", "Anyanghaseo, ordomayo?"...
But...
This chick was pretty hot, I mean, I would go there... So this got me thinking, would I hook up with this chick, putting aside her obvious mental problems? Is this right? Or legal??? I mean, what is crazy, really??? Can you gauge crazy, or put a number on it, and then put a limit on who can hook up with who??? Like for example, this chick on the subway is an 8 on the "crazdar" and I only rank a 3, so is she out of my sanity league? I don't know... But around this time the chick got off the subway... Weird...
Getting to the airport, I felt bad vibes coming in from all around... The crazy chick on the subway freaked me out, like finding a beetle in your underpants... But I shook it off like a dog just getting out of the water and my smile returned...
Walking through the terminal I got freaked out by the amount of ice and snow on the runways... See...
But then I got distracted by the show going on right behind me... This Chinese couple was having a HUGE fucking fight... She was screaming at this guy who I assumed was her boyfriend, and he was crying and speaking Chinese in a very apologetic tone... Then she slapped the shit out of him... Like a 3 year old getting slapped at K-Mart, she let this mother fucker have it... Even I felt sorry him... Then she got up and started walking away. He said something to her, I think she had his passport and ticket or something... So this chick takes a few steps towards a garbage can, takes his ticket and passport out of her fanny pack, and fucking throws them in the trash can! This is the greatest thing I have ever seen! So she storms off and this blubbering Chinese guy gets up and starts rifling through the trash can! Still sobbing he's like throwing trash on the floor, picking up pieces of paper, holding them up to the light and examining them... He finally finds his passport and ticket... So he goes back and sits down, still sobbing, and gets on his phone and starts screaming in Chinese! So, since I was the closest person to the trashcan and didn't want people to think it was me, AND, I had had my fill of high pitched blubbering/screaming of Chinese, I decided to go and get a coffee...
MMMM airport coffee, best $12 I've ever spent...
Boarding time! I'm really on my way! As I'm walking onto the airplane I take a Korean newspaper... Maybe I can make a little captains hat out of it, but I forget how the folds go, so I just end up looking at the pictures... On the plane they had this interactive multimedia display in each seat back, which was super epic. They had movies, games and TV shows. So I ordered a San Miguel and sat back and watched some Entourage... Lloyd!!!!!!!!!!
We arrived in Hong Kong half an hour early... What the fuck? How does this happen? Did the pilot haul ass or something? Did he kick it into overdrive? Anyway, this increased my layover time to 15 hours 30 minutes... Ok I can do this, I guess I could always just spin around and get dizzy, that used to kill time when I was a little kid, I guess it's back to basics... But about 5 minutes in a security guard came over and recommended that I stop...
Hong Kong airport is huge, and I have walked the entire length of it... From gate 1 to gate 78... Around gate 50 I saw a sign saying resting area... I took a peek and there were these reclining chairs! Sweet! So I took a seat and tried to get some sleep. They were playing music like you would hear in a baby's room, only it was Christmas songs... Bizarre, since it was the middle of January... But I found it rather soothing... So anyways I couldn't sleep, I was too cold, I took off my long sleeve shirt and used it to cover my lower half, but then my upper half got cold so I moved the shirt to my upper half, but this left my lower half cold... I tried to curl up into a cannonball fetal position and cover my entire self with the shirt, but is wasn't big enough and this wasn't comfortable at all... I tried covering myself with a book, unzipped backpack and shirt, but this just looked ridiculous and wasn't warm either... A Ha! I know what I'd do... I got the plastic bag that my crappy airport sandwich came in, went to the bathroom, filled it with hot water and came back and put it right on my stomach, with my long sleeve shirt covering my lower half... God dammit fucking shit... The bag had a little hole in it so I woke up like 20 minutes later soaking wet, making me more freezing than before...
I decided sleep wasn't going to come, so I read a book... 170 later I sat down and watched Avatar on my iPod... I looked at my clock 10:45PM, since (I thought) Hong Kong is 2 hours behind Korea, I had set my watch accordingly... However, Hong Kong is actually 1 hour behind Korea, making it only 9:45PM...
Sleep found me around 2 A.M., (which was actually 1 A.M.). I woke up around 5:45 A.M. (actual time 4:45A.M). I wondered why the hell the airport was so damn empty... Walking around I finally found a clock and became aware of the error of my ways... I was super starving at this point... I walked for literally 25 minutes and found nothing open... The noodle shop, burger king, the other noodle shop... All closed... Then I saw it, Starbucks... I ordered coffee and a crappy pastry of some kind, then I walked to my gate, and waited for 5 hours until my plane departed... Around 6 A.M. the sun began rising over the mountains of Hong Kong...
This is when I got into vacation mode and my smile was on full blast... In just 5 short hours I would be in Thailand, the land of smiles, the land of lust and the land of love... I made those last 2 up...
Next -> Part 2: Bangkok
This week Korea received record snowfall.
One thing that I noticed is that Korean people don't know how to fucking use tire chains... But they try... Oh do they try... I saw this one guy with white rope woven in and around his tire and rim... How cute.
Most people just drive super slow and skid and spin their tires and stuff. And the people that ride motorcycles just ride with their feet stretched out and skidding along the sides of their motorcycle like they're stand up but riding at the same time... You think Asians are bad drivers??? Add snow and ice to the equation... Damn...
So this week something terrible happened. Really fucking terrible. I got a terrible toothache. I got a really terrible toothache. So, naturally, I decided to seek professional help.
Now...
I hate dentists... Always have... I'm definitely an anti-dentite... A rabid anti-dentite...
What do you call a doctor that flunked out of medical school?
A dentist...
Now, I'm not sure why I hate dentists so much. I guess they have a hard enough job, they usually are nice people... I just don't like dentists...
And dental hygienists... Don't even get me started on this group of flunkies...
But dentists do kind of get a bad rap. I mean, you go to them and they dig around in your mouth with metal spikes and usually inflict pain on you. Not really the kind of thing that most people look forward to... So I guess most people don't really like dentist... But I just hate dentists...
AND FURTHER MORE... I really wasn't looking forward to going to a Korean dentist. I mean, Korea is an advanced first world nation and stuff... But I was just nervous... Really fucking nervous... Like O.J. on verdict day nervous...
So I walk into this office and no one speaks a god damn word of English. They hand me this little slip to fill out and, of course, it's totally in Korean. So I write my name on one of the lines and give it back to the lady and sit down in the waiting area... They have a little TV on, and sure enough, it's playing the fucking worst show in the world, America's Funniest Home Videos... I have finally found hell my friends, and it's in a dentists office in Korea...
So I wait like 15 minutes and the lady starts signaling to me... So I walk over to the actual dental part of the office... It looked like a standard dentists office... Chair, Spot Light, Tray of tools...
But wait... Why is there a fucking cigarette lighter at every chair... Look. I managed to get a spy picture...
It's the purple thing in the top right corner... What the hell is it for? Sterilizing things? It seems to me that only heroin addicts sterilize things with lighters these days... Is this guy going to be puffing away while he works? I can just see him dropping ash in my mouth and having the little hygienist vacuum it out with her little spit vacuum...
And another thing... There weren't any protective plastic coverings or anything, anywhere. But I didn't really give a shit... Talk to me in 6 months when I have Hepatitis... So I sit in the chair and this 50 something Korean dude comes over, gives the chair a violent kick, like a drunk Alabama man kicking his dog, and the chair reclines... He sticks his ungloved hand in my mouth...
Did I mention the whole office smelled like fucking fish... Fish... Ya it was bad...
Ok where were we? Aw yes, so this Korean guy was knuckle deep into my mouth with his ungloved hand... Is ungloved a word? My spell checker says no but FUCK YOU computer, I think it's a word... So he feels around a little and then says something in Korean and leaves... Is this the end??? Am I cured???
So he gives the chair another violent kick and I return to my upright seated position. At this point the hygienist grabs me by the arm and takes me into this little room with what I think was an x-ray machine. She makes me put my chin on this little chin rest and bite down on this little piece of plastic, again, no covering... Then she hurries out of the room and pushes a button. The machine starts to humm and whirr and a computer voice begins to speak to me in Korean. What the fuck are you saying computer voice???
HOLY SHIT... I just realized that I didn't get a lead vest or any kind of ball covering... Sorry future children...
So the x-ray machined does like 3 laps around my entire head and them comes to a stop. The lady comes back in, grabs me by the arm and takes me back into the dental exam room... The dentist walks over with the picture and says something, I think he said "Son of Sam"!
But then he said "root pain"... Ok, I have no idea guy... So we stared at each other for like 15 seconds and then the lady again took me by the arm and hurriedly rushed me to the appointment counter... The new lady at the desk spoke a little better English than her co-workers... She told me "Monday" "6" and "surgery"... Hmmm...
Ok, so I was to come back on Monday... I think...
Monday...
So I walk into the dentists office and sure enough, more fish smell and more America's Funniest Home Videos... Is there a bigger douche bag than Bob Saget? If there is I'd hate to see him... When will the hurting stop?
So I check in at the counter, by check in I mean say stuff in English to the lady and have her reply in Korean... I could have said "money balls" or "cock trout"... But I didn't... So I guess they know I'm here...
There were 2 other Korean dudes in the waiting room with me. One carrying a super huge man purse and the other wearing a hospital gown... Why the fuck did he have on a hospital gown? And the whole time hospital gown man was standing right in front of me, starring at the window at his reflection and combing his bleach-orange hair. He was super close to me, I could have rolled up a copy of Korean Golf magazine and slapped the shit out of him. Why was he so close? The waiting room was huge and hospital gown man was literally in my American sphere of personal space... USA.... USA.... USA....
In Korea, the word excuse me doesn't exist, if you're walking somewhere and there's someone in your way, you just bump them and continue... It's not rude, just the way it is...
So I was sitting in the waiting room with hospital gown guy and man-purse man for a good 25 minutes... I kept a good eye on hospital gown man, you know, in case he tried to start something I could be ready... He weighed himself about 3 times on the scale they had in the waiting room, combed his hair in about 5 different windows, laughed like a tyrannical mad-man every time a fat lady slipped on ice on America's Funniest Home videos... It was terrible...
Strangely enough, what kept me calm during the whole wait and procedure was thinking about fried chicken... Fried Chicken... I don't usually eat the stuff or think it's particularly delicious, but thinking about it made me feel a zen-like calm... I wonder if that's the same thing Ghandi or Buddah thought about? Probably...
So finally the lady signals to me to come over, it's time to get drilled... So I walk over, hang up my coat and sit in the chair... She put a little bib around my neck like I was going to be eating lobster, say something to me in Korean and walks away.
BAM...
The familiar kick strikes my chair and I all of a sudden am descending to drill level... The doctor doesn't say "Hi" or anything, he really doesn't look at me, he just holds this huge needle in front of me and I realize that it's time to open up... The bastard gives me 4 shots, 2 in the side of my gums and 2 right into the roof of my mouth, my palate... Those fucking hurt... My eyes watered... But I wasn't crying... Whenever I get a dental shot it makes my eyes water, and I always am worried that the dentist is thinking that I'm a super huge pussy or something, but I'm serious guys... I wasn't crying...
BAM...
Another kick and I'm returned to a seating position... I started to get super drowsy all of a sudden. I wonder what the fuck was in that shot?
BAM...
About 10 minutes later the doctor returns and it's time for the nitty gritty... He pulls out a knife... What is a doctors knife called? Sucher? Scalpel!!! He pulls out a scalpel and cuts the shit out of my gums, folds them back and starts drilling directly into my jaw bone... The beauty part was, I couldn't feel a thing! Whatever they gave me was working pretty well...
One thing I was thinking while the procedure was going on, besides about fried chicken, was that I finally know how people that think that they get abducted by aliens and have weird experiments done on them feel. There were 5 random Koreans all buzzing around me, speaking a completely foreign language, and using instruments and tools to do something to me that I really didn't understand... Fried chicken, Fired chicken, Fried chicken...
One thing I didn't appreciate... The dental hygienist, the one manning the spit vacuum, would always, after she was finished vacuuming out my spit and blood and stuff, play with the hair on the bottom of my lip with the spit vacuum... See, I have a little patch of hair protruding from the bottom of my lip, some would call it a soul patch, but I hate that term... And every time this lady had the vacuum in her hand she would be playing with my patch with the spit vacuum... It was bizarre... But I let it go... Fried chicken, Fired chicken, Fried chicken...
So about an hour later, the doctor began to sew me up... 3 stitches...
BAM...
Another swift kick, like a Floridian kicking his wife, and I was back to seated level... This fucking guy really let his leg fly too... Like he was punting a football or something... Fucking bastard...
So I walk to the desk, feeling a little woozy...
The dentist walks up to me and says, "Saturday", "11AM", "No sauna and no smoking"... Like I'm some kind of fucking swinger or gigolo or something... Haunting the sauna's with my pencil thin mustache and soul patch smoking and looking for ladies... But I was like whatever at this point...
The total charge for the procedure? $19... With medication... So I walked home, filled a sandwich bag full of snow from the ledge outside and iced the shit out of my soar cheek...
Fried chicken, Fired chicken, Fried chicken...
So it's Christmas time in Korea... And by fuck it's cold! When I go outside it feels like a snaggly toothed and drunk old man winter is giving me the finger... It is, in fact, so cold that whenever the Koreans enjoy one of their favorite past times - Spitting - the loogies freeze and leave beautiful little creations that resemble snow flakes... Only real snow flakes don't have little pieces of kimchi and phlegm in them...
Heat is very important this time of year... It's like 15 degrees Fahrenheit at night... In Korea, heaters are different than those in America... They are under floor heaters, heated by running hot water flowing through pipes... This is, in fact, the reason why some Korean people sleep on the floor... The water is heated by the water heater which is in turn heated by gas... Now, gas is fucking expensive here. A friend of mine recently had a gas bill of 150,000 Won or around $150... That's a lot of soju my friends, it really is... But what is my gas bill you ask??? 9,000 won or around $8... Haha... How do I keep it so cheap you ask? Location, location, location... I live on the second floor right? And directly below and above me live people with small children, so naturally they want to keep their kids warm... So the people above and below me are constantly spending hundreds of thousands of won running their heaters in a frantic attempt to keep the next generation of proud Hangul speaking shits alive and happy... And I'm reaping all the benefit!!! I live in a service little warm pocket, a free cocoon of heat... Excellent, right?... Right...
(Cocaine's a hell of a drug...)
Cocaine - A terrible little white powder that this author has never tried... However, the subject has come up twice this week and has taught me powerful lessons about Korea and Korean's way of thinking... Weird... A lesson wrapped in Cocaine... Like Paris Hilton's dreams... Only not as whorish...
Lesson 1 - "Korean Ostriches"
So I'm teaching a class last Thursday... So I'm walking around, milking the clock while the kids are doing some kind of bull shit activity, I don't even remember what it was really... And all of a sudden the noisiest group goes quiet... Which is never a good sign... Like the calm before the storm... So I walk over to investigate... Very quickly one of the kids who is kind of a douchy dick head puts something in his pencil case really quickly and pretends to be doing his work...
Side Note:
Damn, seeing how these kids try to hide stuff and get away with stuff and lie about stuff reminds me of when I was a kid... I thought I was so cunning, yet, I was so obvious...
End Side Note:
So I grab the pencil case to investigate... I look inside and there's this little bag of white powder... What could it be??? I like in Cops where the policeman sticks his pinky into a similar bag of white powder and tastes it with his tongue and says, "Yep, that's the real stuff..."... I thought about doing that but A) I don't know what Cocaine tastes like and B) it could be rat poison or crystallized semen or something nasty... So I show the bag to my co-teacher and she has a little conversation with the kid in Korean... He's all wide eyed and emphasizing his words like a guilty dip shit... So she simply walks over the the trash and throws it away and goes on with her day... So I walk up to her and ask her, "What the fuck, bitch?"... Not in those words, but... So she tells me that the kid got the bag from a museum and it's part of a science experiment... Really??? Really??? Now, I've been part of a few "Science Experiments" too in my life and I would never come up with a crock of bull shit like that... But, hey, I really don't care what it was... So I said, "Oh, I thought it was drugs or something." She looked at me like I had just slapper her mama... "No, NEVER in KOREAAAA!"... (She kind of exaggerated the final A in Korea... Which made me laugh on the inside...)
Now this brings up lesson number 1 - Koreans simply don't think certain things exist in Korea... Drugs, Homos, Crime... These things don't exist... Dragons and Unicorns exist here... But Drugs, Homos and crime don't... Really? If you really believe that I think you've done one to many "Science Experiments" in your day...
I've found that Korea is becoming more and more like an onion... The more layers you peel away... The more it stinks...
However... Is that really a bad thing... I mean, ostriches that bury their heads in sand seem pretty happy don't they?... And furthermore... If you tell children that something doesn't exist, doesn't that make it more likely that they won't think about ever doing something because they think it doesn't exist, they aren't even given an option? So if a Korean person thinks that being a criminal or a homo or a drug user is as possible as an American person thinking that being unicorn or a dragon is possible, isn't that a good thing???
Mid Lesson Side Note:
You know what pisses me off??? Well there's the obvious: Clowns, Canadians, Gingers, Kids, Old People and the 18 - 50 Crowd... But other than that I'm a pretty peaceful guy... But recently I've found something that pisses me off and I think it should piss you off too... Super Squeeky Clean Conservative Religious Gangsters... That's right... Super Squeeky Clean Conservative Religious Gangsters, or SSCCCRGs...
You know the type, those kids that talk like 2pac and think like Billy Graham. Terrible, like watching Mickey Rourke and Camilla Parker Bowels having mayonnaise sex... In K-Land, there's plenty of SSCCCRGs around... People that think they're super epic and chill and say things like Fo Sho, Playa, Duder and other gangsta epitaphs, but then instead of a Glock 45 in their pocket they have a bible... Is there anything more pathetic?
End Mid Lesson Side Note:
Pre-Lesson 2 Side Note:
Student: "Teacher, what's wrong?"
Teacher: "I have a hangover, do you know what that means?"
Student: "Does that mean you're drunk?"
Teacher: "No, it means I was drunk yesterday."
End Pre-Lesson 2 Side Note:
Lesson 2 - "Bare Knuckle Minsu"
So there's this bar in Jungang called Hangout bar... It's a super small bar that local English teachers frequent because the bartender speaks pretty good English and he's always pumping heavy metal instead of the dreaded K-Pop...
So a group of 4 of us stroll into the bar last Friday night... It was like the beginning of a joke... "So an Irishman, a New Zealander, a Korean and an American walk into a bar..."... What would the punch line to that joke be I wonder? "No, I said I want some BASS", "No I said BOUYS"... That's all bar jokes usually are really, misunderstandings... Like most bar incidents I guess...
So we walk into this bar and there's a sign on the door saying "Foreigners Welcome"... This made me think... Am I not welcome at most other bars? Should I use a different water fountain? Can I sit at the lunch counter??? Weird sign... But... Fuck it... So as we're walking in we notice that the usual atmosphere of western teachers has changed into that of 4 quiet Korean dudes drinking...
As we walk through the crappy wooden door the music stops and all the Korean dudes turn around... We're staring at them and they're staring right back at us... For a good 15 seconds there's not a sound as we're feeling each other out like a mongoose and a cobra getting ready to fight. It was 4 on 4, evenly matched... I was thinking about going for the small guy with a bottle... If I was wearing a gun and a holster I would have had my hand nervously hovering just above it the way that old-time cowboys did in the old west... Go ahead Koreans, make my day!!!
(Say when...)
But the tension eased pretty quickly and we sat down amongst the enemy and ordered a drink... We all had a pretty good time together... There was this one drunk guy sitting one seat away from me. He was nice, at first... He kept telling me about his daughter who was studying in Dallas... He said Dairrus, I think that's Dallas... Or maybe there is a Dairrus in this world, who am I to say there isn't...
Around this time a guy walked in wearing a sweater that would make Bill Cosby say, "God damn that shit's ugly"... But he was a really nice guy, a westerner, giving us a 5 to 4 edge over the native team...
This guy turned out to be from Trinidad... So all five of us were talking about random topics: Butt implants, Monkeys, Geography, Conspiracy Theories... Bla bla bla... We were then talking about our respective home countries... I, of course, tried to start a "U.S.A, U.S.A, U.S.A" chant, but to little avail. Then the Irishman brought up how a huge shipment of Cocaine was just seized in Belfast. So we started talking about how it had effected the country and stuff... More bla bla bla...
(Cocaine's a hell of a drug...)To tell you the truth, the whole time I was wishing I was at home in my underwear eating cookies. I really did. As I looked to my left, I could sense that the Dairrus guy was starting to get agitated... And more drunk... Which is a bad combo... Like nakedness and snow or knives and wieners...
All of a sudden there was a barrage of Korean... The Korean guy was obviously livid about something. He started to speak really good English... Fucking bastard. While he was delivering his mis-guided soliloquy, he was also shaking his fist at us like he was a drunken Irish man in a pub at closing time... "You foreigners!... You are guest in our country!... Drugs bad!... NOOO!! IN KOREA!!!" This guy flipped out like we were doing lines off of his wife's ass. I mean, he was ready to fight. The bartender quickly told the guy to shut the fuck in Korean and began to profusely apologize to us about his drunk countryman. The Trinidadian went over to him and spoke in his best talking-to-a-child voice said, "You made a mistake, you should say sorry"... The Korean guy thought about it for a second, and then said, "Sally"... That was good enough. Korean people can't speak English at all anyway, much less when they're fucking pissed.
So at this point we decided to find other pastures, maybe a pasture without so much hostility and rampant nationalistic foolishness.
But this got me thinking again about Koreans and their wacky wacky thought processes. Being brought up from a child to believe something doesn't even exist makes it harder and harder to accept when reality finally hits you in the face. And while teaching your children that something doesn't exist might be a band-aid solution to some of the worlds wrongs, I believe that it will eventually turn into something terrible. I believe that people must be shown right from wrong, instead of just told that wrong doesn't exist, and furthermore taught why it is wrong. I've gotten kind of preachy in the last paragraph I feel. So to lighten it up, a light-hearted joke...
Light-Hearted joke:
There's an African American guy, a Mexican guy and a white guy exploring a cave. They suddenly come upon a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie pops out.
"Because you have released me from my lamp prison, I wall grant each of you 1 wish."
So the genie looks at the African-American guy, "What is your wish?"
The African-American guy says, "I wish for me and all of my African brothers to be happy and back in Africa."
So the genie snaps his fingers and, POOF, all of the Africans in America are returned to Africa.
So the genie turns to the Mexican guy, "What is your wish?"
"I wish for me and all of la raza to be happy and back in Mexico."
So the genie snaps his fingers and, POOF, all of the Mexicans in America are returned to Mexico.So the genie turns to the white guy, "What is your wish?"
The white guy says, "You mean to tell me that all the African-Americans and Mexicans are out of America?... Hmm... Then I'll just have a coke..."
End Light-Hearted Joke:
3 months... That's roughly 90 days... 3 months have gone by and I'm half way around the world from home... What the fuck have I done over the last 3 months? It seems at the same time so short and yet so long... Like a pig's tail... Living in America and going to college feels like a lifetime ago, 2 lifetimes really... When in reality it was only 4 months... But why? The weeks have been flying by at an incredible rate, when Monday rolls around it feels like the next day is Friday and it's time to go out and party again. Like a mighty pterodactyl flying through a prehistoric forest or something... Ya, it's not really like that at all... Oh, and in just half that time I'll be sitting on a beach in Thailand sipping some kind of beverage out of a coconut... Excellent...
But until then... It's lunch time...
And boy what a lunch it will be... When I first got to Korea I thought the lunches were terrible... I really did... But now I actually look forward to them, which really kind of scares me... It either means that I have actually started to enjoy this crap, or, that I'm so starving that I'll eat anything that's put in front of me... During my days of solitary lunches my thoughts usually begin to wander... I guess like all dreamers, I confuse disenchantment with truth...
Korean school lunch consists of five sections... Please... Dine with me...
Noodle course:
So I eat lunch with people that mostly only speak Korean... I mean it's great... People don't really bother me and I'm usually free to eat the "food" that they serve in peace... And oh ya, since people in Korea eat like vikings enjoying a drunken feast at Valhalla, I can literally do whatever I want. I can eat with my mouth open, slurp, sip, gurgle and burp all I all I want... But one thing... If you're listening to headphones really loud and burp... Other people CAN still hear you... Maybe you can learn from my mistake...
Kim Chi Course:
Laser Eyes...
Today I was thinking about how cool yet challenging it would be to have eyes that shoot laser beams. I mean you could easily fend off attackers and impress chicks and stuff... But I bet people who actually have laser beam eyes don't really enjoy it ALL the time. I mean, there's probably a lot of destroyed stuff... Tons of sun glasses, clothes, house decor and other things that all have like laser beam marks on them.
And I wonder if people with laser eyes have like different strength settings. Like stun and kill and stuff like that... Today, enjoying another lunch in beautiful Korea, I was thinking about how cold my potatoes with some-kind-of-sauce were, and how I would like to just sort of heat them up a little bit if I had laser eyes... But I bet it's hard to gauge the strength, so I would probably just burn a hole through the table and that would RUIN my potatoes and probably piss people off...
Also, working with children would probably be out of the question. I mean, I probably would have to register with some kind of government agency and that would lead to all kinds of red tape and medical exams I would have to take... It seems like a lot of people with laser eyes probably have a lot on their mind... Do they constantly think about things like this? Or are they trained from an early age to live with their special condition...
And also, I wonder if people who are born with laser eyes are biased against people who gain the ability later in life... And I wonder if there's a natural vs. synthetic fight raging in the laser eye crowd. If I was a pure born laser eye, and I see a synthetic wannabe laser eye coming my way, I would totally give him the stink eye... The laser stink eye... OOoooo, that sounds cool...
Soup Course:
Being a Kid...
Being around all these kids makes me think about when I was a kid... But things have changed. Every morning on my 10 minute walk to school I see the same kid. He's about 4 feet tall and probably about 50 pounds. Every morning he's talking on a cell phone, listening to an ipod AND watching a little tv... What the fuck little kid?
I remember back in my time...
Does anyone remember all the great games of the days of yore? Playing hide and go seek?
Heads up 7-up.
Skip-it.
Pogo Sticks.
Connect four.
Old-school Nintendo.
What about all the good TV from back in the day?
Salute Your Shorts.
The Secret Life of Alex Mack.
Legends of the hidden temple.
Wild and Crazy kids.
Hey Dude.
Pete and Pete.
Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Snick.
Nick-Jr - Face...
Ahhh face... Wasn't face the most pompous little bastard that you had ever seen? What a fucking tool. He was like the Bill Reilly/ Rush Limbaugh of kids television.. I hated face... Still do...
Or what about Toys-R-Us... That place was fucking awesome...
Rice Course:
Rumors about Korea that I'd like to start...
Did you know that Kim Jong il got a 1600 on his S.A.T's?
Did you know that Fart and Fresh is the same word in Korean?
Did you know that all Koreans must eat Kim-Chi once a month by law?
Did you know that due to the international economic down-turn, North Korea now has the 3rd most stable economy in the world?
Did you know that South Korea's love their porn... 29% of the world's adult content is consumed on this tiny peninsula.
Did you know that every Koreans must have 2 things in their house by law, a picture President Lee Myun Bak, and a copy of the book he wrote in college, "Toke-a-holic"?
Did you know that the Korean government openly puts salt peter in the drinking water in an attempt curb the over-population problem?
Did you know that in Korea, it is illegal for a woman under the age of 40 to speak without first being spoken to?
Dessert (or maize, as the Indians called it...) :
Solving Problems Like A Korean...
I've noticed that there's little to no fighting or problems in my school... Actually in Korea as a whole... Everyone seems super zen and chill and other meditative words. I thought I came upon a foreign utopia when I first got here... But then I realized that Koreans have a secret weapon for solving every little problem... After a few weeks I was given incredible insight into something that has been passed down from Korean generation to Korean generation... An incredibly simple and effective problem solver that is so simple that even a small child can use it, but so powerful that with one fail swoop of the hand, the word of god can be handed down... Now, a few weeks ago when I went hiking, I came upon a little temple in the forest... Everyone there was super peaceful and the vibe of the place was extremely sublime... After an hour of meditation, a Korean Monk came over to me... I offered him the hefty sum of 25,000 won for this knowledge...
I don't know it I'm supposed to be telling you people this, so if anyone asks you, you didn't get it from me...
Bari-Bari-Bow as the "keepers" call it, has turned my life upside down, in a good way... It can be used to solve problems between 2 people, or as many as 100...
The method is very simple...
When there is a problem that needs to be solved, each side stands facing each other... They hold their hands in a closed fist and chant the phrase "Bari-Bari-Bow"... When the "Bow" is spoken, each side, evoking a might ancient Korean god, morphs their hand into one of three shapes.
Shape 1: Loosely translated as the almighty hard Earth...
Symbolizing the mighty Earth and, in extension, all of god's mighty creations, players forming this shape summon the force of the almighty to their side... It's literally like god himself coming down from heaven and pointing his hand at your side of the argument... Powerful stuff... Now the almighty hard earth easily defeats that which slices, but is defeated by the everlasting word...
Shape 2: Loosely translated as the everlasting word...
This second form is also very powerful... Like the mighty texts from various lords, The Bible, The Koran, The Bhagavad Gita, The Yellow Pages... For many centuries, this form has been handed down from powerful and omnipotent beings that obviously have their shit figured out...
Shape 3: Loosely translated as that which slices...
Like a ninja shuriken, a kitana or a ginsu, this form kicks some serious ass...
Wait a god damn minute...
Rock?!?
Paper?!?
Scissors?!?
THAT GOD DAMN MONK!!!!!!!
(But really, RPS is everywhere in this country!!! Every day and every where I see people playing it... Last weekend I was in a club in Seoul and these 2 20-something Korean dudes were sitting at a table drinking and playing fucking rock-paper-scissors... I wonder why they went home alone?.. But ya, it's everywhere... You'd think it would get old but I guess not...)
(And speaking of something getting old, another game that my kids love to play is Hang man... The only problem is... That they use like 3 words... But that won't stop them from playing for like an hour... Literally, an hour with the same 3 words... It's bizarre...)
The Lunch bell has rung, another great day in Korea is half done... Or is it half started???
A squat red building of only five stories. Over the main entrance the words, Sigok Elementary School, and in a shield, the school's motto, Honesty, Originality, Respect, Education... Did you notice that the first letter of each word spells out hore? That's dangerously close to whore... Haha... I noticed it, and that is what I have laughed at every morning as I walk into this place...
When I arrived in Korea 3 short months ago it was late summer. I was told I was going to be living in an apartment in a village that looked across the river and the rice paddy to the mountains. It is a super-small apartment that is, in fact, so small that if I stand directly in the center of it, I can spit in any direction and hit any part of it... Not that I have done this but I truly believe that it is indeed possible.
Before I got to Korea I thought it was going to be really different than it has turned out to be. I expected to see people plowing fields with horses, people to be wearing rags and riding horses... I pretty much expected a lot more horses... Where are all of the god damn horses???
But Korea is pretty much like America... People get up, go to work, work, get off work, and then they do whatever... But it's the little things that are different.
For instance...
Apartments...
95% of the 50 million people in Korea live in apartments. Korea is the size of the American state of Indiana and is home to over 10 times the population... So these people are at a serious loss for space... My co-teacher and I were discussing this one day. I was telling her about back home and explained that my mother lives in a house with a front and back yard... She got super excited and asked if I was super rich or something... I said yes... I guess an average piece of land with an average house on it is SUPER expensive here... Like over one million dollars... According to my co-teacher... Actually she doesn't speak very good English so she either said that, or something about a goat... But I think she said that...
The People...
There are the obvious differences in looks and language and stuff like that...
For Example:
Korean
Not Korean
But taking a more in depth look at the population around here brings to light some very interesting differences... First and most importantly, Korea is a very conformist and nationalistic society. I noticed this the first day I got here... The gentleman who picked me up at the airport was blabbing on and on about how Korean's don't get swine flu because they are a strong race... About how Korean's live so much longer and healthier lives because of their unique national diet... Bla bla bla... And living here the past 3 months I've just noticed more of it. Korean's truly believe that they are better than other people, but not in a slave-owner type of way, they just take it as a known fact like that the sky is blue of that water is wet. It's weird... Also, Koreans are super racist... But, again, not in a slave-owner type of way, but a matter-of-fact kind of way. Especially towards Japanese people... One of my students, a super nice girl who looks like she just plays hopscotch and sings all day came up to me the other day and said, "I hate Japanese people"... I was like, "hmmmm... Ok... Cool..." And she skipped off on her merry way... What the fuck little girl??? I thought she was joking but the look on her face was super serious...
And that leads to another thing...
Korean Humor...
(Guy walk into doctor office, guy say, "Doctor, it hurt when I do", doctor say, "Don't do!")
The Korean sense of humor is WAY different than the American version, or my version for that matter. I mean, look at this shit from popular Asian TV shows...
What the fuck is going on in this mix? I mean, Korean humor is super weird... It's all about doing dumb shit and letting everyone else laugh at how you react to it. And Korean comedy shows are the worst, they're a combination of super slapstick and soft core porn... Which I admit, is kind of awesome... But bizarre... And sarcasm is definitely lost on our Korean brothers and sisters... Whenever I say something sarcastic, which is very often, people look at me like I'm an idiot... Which is pretty much what people do in America, but back in the homeland I at least get comedic recognition points. For example... Now, I have like 300 students right, and instead of learning all of those names, I just point and say, "You", whenever I call on someone... And sometimes there is a lot of apparent confusion about who I'm pointing to, although it's fucking obvious who I'm pointing at. So, sometimes like 3 kids will point to themselves and say, "Me?"... At this point I'll point to the other side of the room and say, "No, him" in a sarcastic tone with a grin on my alabaster face... Right? Good stuff... But then the god damn kid who I pointed at on the other side of the room will start talking... God damn kids...
Dammit... Not this guy again...
(Grasshopper walk into bar. Bartender say, "Herro glasshoppa, we have drink name after you". Grasshopper say, "You have drink name Kim Chan Bae Young Ho?")
Side Note:
(Does there need to be a red cross through this guy??? If I saw a mother fucker like this around my neighborhood I'd call the fucking cops in a second... Do we need to be told??? And why is he black? A little racist isn't it? And also, why does he have no head? A HUGE body, no head and a huge mouth... HMMM... Hey, that's Marlon Brando!)
End Side Note:
Money...
Obviously the money is different... But what's the deal with all the fucking zero's??? This has been pissing me off for some time now... And not just about Korea... The Italian Lira is the same way... It's like 100,000,000 Lira for a can of coke and if you want to buy a car??? Fuck, you have to spend like a kazillion Lira or won... The smallest increment of paper money available is the 1,000 Won note. It's like $.85... Why don't they just lop off those 3 zeros and call it a 1 won note??? I mean honestly... I am literally a millionaire here... But with the exchange rate being like 1500 KWN to 1 US Dollar... It makes telling babes I'm a millionaire almost meaningless!
The sky above Korea was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel... And this was the week that I was to start taking beginning Korean language classes at the newly opened Ansan City Migrant Education Center. I was anxious to finally understand what the hell all these dashes and dots on store fronts mean... And plus, I have a lot to say to these Korean people... As Jane Wagner once said, "I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain." I mean, I was really looking forward to learning another language... It was a pleasure to learn...
So the class is supposed to be from 7 to 9pm every Tuesday and Thursday night, right? So on the first Tuesday of class I get this text message to be there at 6:30 for a placement test... Dammit, this is going to severely cut into my drinking time... (Just kidding mom...)
I walk into the classroom at 6:30pm and see like 2 people, one guy wearing a brown cardigan and another guy with a rat-tail hair style... I took a seat in the back and watched the crazies flow in... The most outstanding was a black chick wearing huge circular glasses and a silver sequins beanie with bills on the front AND back... She looked like Sherlock Holmes... Sherlock Homie???... haha... Good one... But is that racist??? Oh well, no black people will probably see this, they don't know how to use the internet...
Because this was the opening night of the center, they had a bunch of TV cameras and press all over the place filming stuff for a local TV channel. They brought the cameras into our classroom to film the happy white people learning the fine Hangul language ... They made us all give a thumbs-up to the camera and say "Wonderful"... It wasn't wonderful...
So around 7:15pm they finally start giving out the placement test... It was 4 pages and was totally in Korean... Multiple choice though... So I put ACDC for every 4 answers and felt pretty sweet... That'll teach em... Bastards...
Actually no one knew what the fuck was on the test, as I said before this was a BEGINNING Korean class... About 5 minutes into the test the lady stopped the test and told us we would be given a verbal test instead... Great... If they ask me how to say 'hello' or 'beer' or 'mother fucker' I'm golden, other than that I'll be in the beginning class with Sherlock Homie and the creepy guy with the lisp...
Because this was the official opening night of the center, a huge opening ceremony had been prepared. The mayor of Ansan was even there, and a bunch of other old Korean people... So around 8pm, our teacher ushered us into this auditorium... As our class of about 15 walked into the room, a hush grew over the crowd and all these 50-something Koreans all turn around in unison, like a group of a thousand prairie dogs all looking in the same direction... We were the only western people in the place and it seemed like we were the only western people these K's had ever seen... I asked myself, "Am I integrating this place?"
What's the deal with the staring in this place? I mean, I walk down the street and people look at me like I'm juggling dildos... Little kids, old ladies, middle age men... All staring... It makes me feel like I'm either super attractive, extraordinarily ugly or that my fly is down... And the little comments... Always with the little comments... At least twice a day people I walk past will shout out little salutations at me... "Herro" followed by laughing (this is usually the middle school or high school girls, sometimes dudes too)... "Hello Moto" (god damn kids)... "So handsome!" (ok, this one can stay, except when fat high school boys shout it out, then I just feel uncomfortable)... "Bruce Willis!" (how do they know about him, isn't he like 90 by now?)...
I have always heard beautiful women in America say how bad it is to get tons of attention from strangers and I always thought that those women were just spoiled... I mean, I used to think that I would love to have the opposite sex whistling at me, shouting cat calls, buying me drinks all the time and generally throwing vagina at me like one of those pitching machines at the batting cages... Only with vaginas... But after walking a mile in women's shoes (figuratively speaking of course)... I see that it's kind of annoying and creepy...
But back to the opening ceremony...
So we walk in and sit down... Still getting stared at... The ceremony commences with a choir of about 30 walking in from the back... There were thunderous applause, champagne rained down from the ceiling and angels in white cotton panties danced all around me... Oh crap, I was only day dreaming... When I came back to reality, a Korean reality, the choir had taken their places and started to perform. Their first song was the William Tell Overture... But they said "Bum" for every note... It was kind of bizarre... "Bum bum bum, bum bum bum, bum bum, bum, bum, bum..." Ok, that was weird... But the next few songs were really impressive. They did Nessun Dorma and it was really impressive. The look on the tiny Korean guys face when he was belting it out was classic, it was like he was trying to throw up a basketball. The choir was actually really good and after 4 songs they got a clap and a wink out of me...
But next... Well...
Three beautiful women entered from stage right... They were all wearing super short black skirts, had their hair done in excellent stripper fashion and were all wearing heels that were 6 inches high... Was I day-dreaming again??? Oh no, even my twisted mind couldn't make up what I was about to see... Now, mind you, there were about 400 people at this event... All of them old Korean people, the average age was probably 50 or so, also the mayor of Ansan and his posse were there... So when the Korean spice girls came onto the stage... I'm sure a few tired old hearts started to pump...
One of the Korean Spice Girls had an electric cello, one of them an electric violin and the other had a key-tar...
Their first song was a rousing rendition of the James Bond theme... Now, you could definitely tell they weren't really playing their instruments... What is the word for lip-syncing, or is it lip-singing, an instrument??? I mean, what is it called when you are pretending to play an instrument, by aren't, because you are too busy humping the back of your fellow Korean spice girl on stage in front of the mayor and a bunch of old people... I'm sure there's got to be a word for it...
Now, these girls certainly had... "Talent" I guess is the word I'm looking for, or "Assets" maybe... I looked around the crowd and these old folks seemed to really enjoy the show. The men all had huge grins on their dirty old faces and were clapping like little kids at a circus... And the women were at least clapping along...
The second song was a river dance type song... Again... More humping, more trying to get the crowd to clap along and more happy old men... But it was starting to get weird... I mean, was this appropriate, or normal, or even right? So after like 3 key-tar solos, they were off the stage...
But wait... Oh, they're back for an encore! Oh goody... This time they're playing flash dance, or is it last dance? You know, that disco song by Gloria Gaynor or something... God kill me now...
Fast Forward...
Clapping along...
Humping...
Clapping along...
Is she walking around the crowd now pretending to play???
Key-tar solo...
Did she just hump the mayor?!?
Applause...
I think they're done... Wait... Ok they're done... Wow... That was something... What could possibly follow that? By this time it was 8:45, and our class was supposed to be done by 9... It was a race against the clock at this point, how much more bull shit could these K's fit into 15 minutes?... How much more boring and strange could it possibly get? Maybe someone will have a heart attack or start shooting up the place, then I could slip quietly out the door...
After the freaky freaky girls came the speeches... Oh lord the speeches... Now, if you haven't already noticed, the Korean language is spoken in a monotone voice... Like Joe Friday at a sushi bar or something... Now this makes for extremely painful speeches... I considered faking a heart attack... Nah, I'm too young, no one will believe it... Maybe a seizure? No, only 15 more minutes, I can last that long, right?
There was this one guy who was somewhat of a comedian, I guess... He would say something and the crowd would all laugh and look at each other and nod as to say, "that IS funny because it's true, oh blessed Korea!!!"... But it was weird... Because Korean is spoken in a monotone voice, there is no change of intonation for sarcasm or humor like their is in English... Instead, to make their point, Koreans elongate their words and make a "kashshskshsh" type of sound... Like they have something stuck in their throats, or like when my cat used to puke up a hair ball or something, it's kind of unique... This got me thinking about what a stand up comedian in Korea would be like... Completely monotone and then kashshkashs... BAM... laughs... This night was like a bad SNL sketch, only it was my life...
I looked at my watch, it was 9:05... HEY! This is Alex's time now... No more BS...please?... There were whispers among the westerners, like a bunch of prisoners planning a break... They WERE planning a break! I caught wind that after the next speaker finished we were all going to start up and move towards the door... They can't stop all of us... Maybe a few will be taken down, but the good of the group is worth a few casualties... Well, it's bad for those few, but... I was second farthest from the door, so if I was going to make it, I had to be quick... So the speaker finishes and we all stand up, all the Korean prairie dogs all turned around again, probably wondering what these crazy western fuckers were doing now... Like a group of sardines slipping past a mighty shark, we all walked towards the door... But... Not so fast soldier boy!... Damn, I was caught... Some Korean lady came running over with both of her hands up... She stopped the person in front of me... I was trapped!!! I couldn't go back the other way... Maybe if I started crying they would let me go... Or if I just started peeing... No, I was wearing my good pants, can't pee in those... So, defeated, I sat back down... I moved a few seats closer to the door though, and whoever was sitting in this seat before me sure left it warm... I just hope it wasn't a dude, that would be kind of gay...
9:15...
9:20...
9:27...
When will the hurting stop???...
At this point I began to chew on my own hand...
They then brought up this guy and a bunch of kids to, I think, give him a key to the city of something... I noticed that he had a bunch of kids with him... It made me think that he was corrupt... I mean, why would you go the extra mile to have a bunch of kids around you if you WEREN'T a corrupt bastard... It seems like a public relations move that is all to obvious and telling... He probably hired the damn things...
Finally some lady came up to the microphone and said something, and everyone clapped and got up...
Freedom never tasted so sweet!!!
Damn what a night...
(Whatever the fuck this means...)
( My guess is that he wears that shirt a lot)
