Hello Ladies and Gentlemen! My Name is Fuck.

Today I had to give a "speech" in front of the entire faculty at my school. I was told 20 minutes beforehand that I was to go upstairs for something, I thought it was food. So I walk into this auditorium and there are 50 - 60 Korean teachers looking at me and all smiling. I was ushered up to the very front and sat down. A minute later the principal of my school walked over to me and motioned for me to stand next to him. He pulled out this microphone...

But it wasn't a normal microphone, it was like the one that Bob Barker used on The Price is Right. Super thin with a gray little bubble on the end.

He proceeded to talk about me for a good 5 minutes. He was reading a fact sheet about me. The only words I understood were "Aricks", "Hobble" and "University of Americuhhhhh San Diego". He got a wide range of reactions from the crowd. They laughed a few times, one time they all oohed and aahed and said "Gentleman" and "Warrior"... What the fuck was he saying? So then they all clapped and I was handed the Bob Barker microphone and my speech was to commence.

For a second I thought about saying "I have a big one"... Or "Hi, my name is fuck"... But I decided against it... Here is the transcript of my speech.

"Hello Sigok (My school's name), Anyonhaseo (Hello)"

At this point they all clapped like I was juggling chainsaws in a speedo.

"I am very happy to be here and am very happy to be in Korea."

(They all looked around and laughed to each other like they had no idea what the fuck I just said... Should have gone with something awesome)

"Thank you, Camsanida (Thank You)"

They all erupted in applause again and I was quickly ushered out of the hall and back to my waiting class that were given an unsupervised break. I got back to the classroom just in time to see a boy hit a girl in the head with a ball from about 20 feet. And most of the candy was gone...

I thought is was a bad Idea to leave the kids unsupervised. I remember the kinds of things I used to do in class when the teacher wasn't looking.

Projectiles were all the rage growing up. A kid who knew how to make something that shot something was like a nuclear powered Iran, a formidable opponent. School became not a academic competition, but an arms race.

What started out as simply throwing a crumpled up piece of paper became a very sophisticated science. In Junior High we used to use rubber bands and connect like 3 together. Then you would fold a piece of paper into a V shape, then put one staple into the point of the V. The rubber band would then be strung between your index finger and your thumb, with the V going in the middle and then pulled back like a bow and arrow. These things fucking hurt! You could probably take down a small rodent with one of these bad boys.

Speaking of rodents. I was walking along the sidewalk yesterday and saw something in the distance. I thought it was a wallet at first. I've seen like 5 wallets on the ground so far in my short stay here, but I never pick them up because as my mom used to say, "Someone could have peed on it"...

So I get up to the wallet and it's a fucking rat vomiting blood. And not just a little, but a shit load of bubbling blood. It even was steaming. Mind you I was on the way back from the store with dinner and was super hungry... It was pretty gnarly. It made me want to spit up. But instead I created a whole story about how this rat lived and died. I began to wonder if he had accomplished all he had set out to do in life, or if his life was cut tragically short by poison, swine flu or a bike tire...

Last weekend I went to Hongdae, which is a super awesome college town about an hour and a half from where I live. And I went to Osan, which is equidistant from my house. Osan is where there is an American military base. I went there in search of a phone, and to spend my remaining American money. They sold many things here. I was also searching for Nun chucks and a sword. I feel these things would add a touch of class to my apartment... I'm kind of glad I didn't find any, I would probably be tempted to break everything in my apartment.

On the way back there was a classic guy on the subway. He had like 5 bags of the most random shit with him. He had like 4 little bags full of like electric shavers, nuts and bolts, cotton panties and like 5 Dice, dices... Die... No, dice is right. The 5th bag was a huge trash bag full of lettuce. Every time the doors of the subway car would open, the bag of lettuce would fall into the station. My friend would pick it up for him at like every stop. We finally realized that this guy was hella fucked up, and it was like 3pm on a Sunday. He had this hazy smile and slurred his Korean words. Every time she would pick up his garbage bag of lettuce, he would bow and say, "You're number one, I'm number 2". But his bows weren't regular bows, they were like super bows. He would almost touch his head to his knees (No easy task on a super crowded subway). This went on for like 7 or 8 stations. When we got off the train I kind of missed him, I kind of wondered his story and wanted to find out why the fuck he was drunk at 3pm on a Sunday traveling such a long distance in search of lettuce... I hope to see him again...