Trick Ass Marks and Mark Ass Tricks

Last week I hit the road...

Wednesday through Friday I went to GEPIK (The company I work for) orientation in Osan, about an hour and a half away from my home. There were about 150 teachers from all over Korea at this thing. With ages ranging from about 23 to 65. The maturity level reached only half of that while the insanity level reached very very high, almost to dangerous levels.

Several people in particular stood out...

The first time I got a taste of the craziness was in the hallway right outside of my dorm, right when I got there. The first guy came walking up like a pirate with 2 peg legs, or like a Japanese woman who's had her feet bound... He was wearing sandals. In the dorm rooms, there were 2 pairs of slippers provided, one per person as we had to share a room. They were all around a size 6...

This psycho comes tip-toeing up in shoes WAY to small for him and says "Hi there". The entire time he was talking his eyes were watering like an emotional chick watching a Barbara Walters special. Like super heavy tears were dripping down this guys face, he casually wiped them away like it happens to everyone... I asked him if he had allergies and he said "No, why?"... I decided not to push the issue.

The conference was about 35 minutes of information stretched into 3 days of cafeteria food and pretending to like people. There was an older women from Canada that had "been teaching for 30 years and has seen it all"... Great... This bitch had a huge scowl on her face the entire time and asked questions like she was the queen of England talking to a homeless person. Another great quote from this wench was, "I teach like a bullet coming out of a gun"... Whatever the fuck that means... Gun?... I wish I had a gun...

And while I'm on the subject, Canadian's fucking LOVE Canada. The only thing they love more than Canada is telling other people about Canada. They love to tell about all the great shit that Canada has and why it's better than what your country has. Maple syrup and mounty talk only goes so far one would think, but these people can stretch it out into a 3 hour rant... As June Calwood said, "The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off it's own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees."

Moving right along...

There was another old guy who dressed like Johnny Cash, looked like Hagar the Horrible and smelled like a rotting corpse. He had worked "in the casino business" for some-odd years, and decided to become a teacher because... Well I didn't really give a shit why... But he proceeded to tell me, for about an hour... You know when you try to find an out from a conversation, and can't? Every time this guy would end a sentence I would look to another person and try to start a convo with them, but he kept talking. Like Michael Corleone said in the Godfather, "Every time I get out, they keep bringing me back in".

I employed several tactics to try and get away, such as:

The Gross Out-
I tried to gross him out by telling him that my stomach really hurt and that I had to go and drop a deuce... This just gave him something to talk about... It made things worse... Didn't work...

The Fake Out-
I then tried to feign an injury... I told him my side suddenly hurt, I might need to go to the hospital... At this point he tried to examine me, I suddenly felt way better... Didn't work...

The Refill-
I then told him my drink was empty, and I was going in search of another... He offered to buy me another one and sit down and talk, I became very full at this point... Didn't work...

The Last Resort-
Then I remembered my old stand-by... The yelp! I let out a loud "Yelp"... And then another..."YELP, YELP"... Then walked away. IT WORKED!... The shocked crazy bastard didn't talk to me again for the rest of the conference. I've found that, in life, the only way to fight crazy is with more crazy...

People tended to get very annoyed during the the classes, like an old man trying to return soup in a deli. They would ask rude, random, sometimes very personal questions, like "Is there a psychiatrist on hand, I need to talk to someone"... Why the fuck would you ask this in a room with 150 people in it, while we're talking about lesson planning? I felt like screaming, "Shut the fuck up you god damn psycho!" But I restrained myself. This kind of response is usually frowned upon at these things.

Another gem came during the class on Korean culture... "Wouldn't it be easier if everyone just spoke the same language, I mean, COME ON, you have to learn a new one in every country you go to!" I thought she was joking but she then looked around for affirmation. I can't believe this woman's gene pool didn't go dry thousands of years ago. The native Korean lady who was teaching the class was super nice and tried to play it off like she didn't understand. Fucking idiot.

Aside from the craziness, the conference did have it's bright points, I guess it was like being in prison. Those 2 hours on the exercise yard seem pretty awesome after being spooned by Bubba all night. There were some cool people, I guess.

I did learn a lot as well. The book they gave us should be called "Teaching for Dummies". Which is pretty accurate... It contains stuff like how to write a lesson plan, how to control a class (Step 1 - Roll up book and hit students)... It gave us some cool websites to go to and examples of games and stuff like that. I'll definitely use it the rest of the year.

On the way back, I was actually kind of sad. Eating the mayonnaise sandwich they gave us and listening to the conversation going on behind me about how Ireland has the best military in the world, I was reminded of all the unique people I had met and the interesting and useless information I had learned. Sitting on a super gaudy bus, like I was one of the Indian Beatles or something,

I was hit with a wave of nostalgia. Crazy Red-haired guy, Old Canadian Bitch, Crying Man... Like a suicide bomber, they all left a little piece of themselves with me... And I will never forget them...